||Hilarious, this, quite simply, is exactly my type of humor and I enjoyed it completely from beginning to end. To name a few highlights that you should DEFINITELY keep, are the grabbing of the ass, the boy and the girl fucking all day in the way of his breakfast, and him thinking of a joke and poorly working it into a conversation. Keep those for sure. Some weak parts I found, was for one, the part about pooing himself. I think the way it is used is hilarious, how it is always in his head and he is always thinking about it, but I think what he is always thinking about could be better. Maybe he got a boner when watching two dogs fuck (damn what is with me and beastiality this week) or maybe he killed a fly and is paranoid about that. Those are both, probably not ideas you will like, but come up with your own new one! Of course, if you want to, if not...well whatever then. But also you would have to come up with a story for that too. Also the confusion I will explain in prose also makes this a bit less funny than it really is.
||Solid concept and I LOVED the way in which you wrote it. I love first person articles. The idea of a paranoid kid and his train of thought is very funny, and not only that, you do all the right things with it! You add quirky situations, such as the fuckathon and the grabassing, and have him freak out about those. My only problem here, is that this isn't really about Neurotic people. Well...I mean, it IS! But it is more of a day in the life of a neurotic. Maybe the title should be something different, maybe not. Also, this might be a better Unbook. Just throwing things out there really and they all might just suck.
|Prose and formatting:
||The prose leaves a bit to be desired. To be honest, I was VERY confused about this entire thing often. Well, not TOO often but it was a bit TOO rambly. I mean, I know it is supposed to be a stream of conscience and all but a bit more organization might add to the humor of this. His thoughts are all really hit and miss. Sometimes I got them sometimes it was just too rambly. Kind of like I am right now. A readthrough looking for things that maybe are a bit too confusing could definitely help. Besides that the article itself was purty, and there were no spelling or grammar errors.
||Alright the pictures were average. Well, more like the pictures themselves weren't exactly laugh out loud funny, but the captions more than made up for them. I guess thats how most pictures are anyways. The first was mediocre and a bit lazy it seems because it is just words. The second I didn't really understand humorously, but it did help the story so it wasn't random crap. The third was a BIT random but the caption helped it to tell the story. The fourth was probably the funniest just because of the caption. Besides that, there were enough pictures and they didn't ditract from the storyline or humor, which is always good.
||I liked this, I liked it alot. The prose needs a bit of work but once you do that, I would definitely say this is one of the best of Febuary. Then again only two days have gone by. Also I haven't released any of my articles yet and once I do you can pretty much just give up because they will just sweep everything else away, to be blunt. But anyways, very funny! Good luck!
||~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 01:09, 3 February 2009 (UTC)