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So, if you've been watching me lately (you know who you are), you'll know I haven't written anything in a while. Why? Because of lots of glasses of water with strange chemicals in them, and, more importantly, fucking huge writer's block as a result of two features in a week. This is my extremely weak dust-blowing effort to gear myself up somewhat.
I got this. Picked up your rather subtle hint in an edit summary someplace and there is nothing else even remotly worthy of my attention. Will be tomorrow as I'm sleepy but I wanna do it. MuCal. BFF Sir 21:33 7 July 2008
|Humour:||7||This was funny, most of my improvement suggestions have ended up in Prose and Formatting but I will say I think you could maybe have expanded the idea of the damsel towards the end. As it is it sounds a bit too nonchalant. Continuing with my “Modern theme in an unmodern setting” point from later can I suggest the maiden runs away to file sexual harassment charges instead of just running away?
Also I liked the recurring theme of the rats, that was good for the scene as rats were feared in the dark ages. Was a nice little touch I thought.
|Concept:||8||I liked this concept, I thought it was certainly very original. You had some good ideas, some of which need a bit of shoogaling (that is a word) as I explained in a moment (that is the correct grammar too, funny thing time travel).|
|Prose and formatting:||7||One of the bigger problems I noticed was that the “story” seemed to be torn between past and present. From reading the opening paragraph or so I got the impression it was set sort of in the dark ages or medieval times. But then later on you mention very modern things like TV and petrol which felt completely out of place in the setting you appear to have set up. Superficially what I’m about to say may seem contradictory but I liked the bit "Damn environmentalists, taking all the fun in life. " Because you were dropping in a modern theme into an unmodern set, which can work out very funny. (Incidentally I’d probably have put “taking all the fun out of life” but I suppose it doesn’t really matter.) To unmodernise the petrol idea maybe have him ask for “Carrots! Enough to feed my horses for a year” and “Horses! Enough to feed my family for a year!” maybe not the second idea, just thought I’d throw it out there (sorry if I broke anything!).
"We just need to chop down… we'll be on our way. " doesn’t feel like a question, Maybe introduce a sign saying “No Tree Chopping” or have a guy chained to the tree in protest to make the link to "What? We can't chop down those trees? ".
Another minor thing, I’d have this bit "company, wrinkles, arse, breath even worse than yours... " read like this " company, wrinkles, arse-breath even worse than yours... " Subtle change but I think that’s more funny.
|Images:||7||Your first image was good, nicely depicting Mr Judge and the caption was ok too just not side-splitting or anything, I felt it was more parenthesis (which is fine). The second one was similar except the caption was funnier. Giving a seven cos I feel there probably should be another pic. Maybe move the rat picture up a bit and then introduce the maiden or the evil dude as a hilarious unexpected guest-star? Or just a raccoon.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.25||Averaged as normal.|
|Final Score:||36.25||If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything you know where to find me! Sorry this took me longer than I intended I’m just insanely easily distracted. Also do you like the new sig (which isn’t new anymore)? How about my new article?|
|Reviewer:||SK Sir RotM 23:28 11 July 2008|