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edit From Pee Review
Another article I wrote. I thinks it lacks size and would probly get made a stub, but i tired and would appreciate help.--Absurdism 01:48, 6 October 2006 (UTC)
- I think you're onto something with this philosophy series. The fine minds of Citizendium have declared Wikikpedia's philosophy articles "utterly and irredeemably shit," so they sound like they'd make great crib sources. Try the soft-loud-soft-loud method - highfalutin philosophy then a poo or dick joke, then the highfalutin stuff then some low humour - it worked for Nirvana. You clearly know the area, so there's LOTS of opportunity for highbrow lowbrow - David Gerard 10:53, 6 October 2006 (UTC)
I agree (as usual) with Mr. Gerard. Worthy subject. It wants polish, though. Highbrow-lowbrow is a good technique. Also do some prose rhythm changes. One of your paragraphs runs:
"As soon as Max was born, the local priest claimed the child to be the Antichrist. He was the kind of kid who steped on bugs for fun. At sun day services he radomly yelled out "This is motherfucking BORING!". This behavior alienated him and he realized he needed a new hobby. When he got into college he found this hobby in philosophy and drugs."
The first bit might be stronger as:
As soon as Max was born the local priest declared him the Antichrist. He stomped bugs, cut worms in half, poured treacle on the priest's cat, and screamed "This is motherfucking BORING!" right in the middle of the priest's solemn sermon on original sin.
Specific details help the poor befuddled reader see what's wrong with this boy and why the priest would say such a thing about him. In fact, you might put the justifying details first and the priest's condemnation afterwards so that you show first and then tell:
Max started life on the wrong foot. As a boy he stomped on bugs, cut worms in half, poured treacle on the priest's cat, and screamed "This is motherfucking BORING!" right in the middle of the priest's solemn sermon on original sin.
The priest declared Max the Antichrist.
Alienated by this rejection, Max realized he needed an alternative outlet for his creativity. When he got into college he found this outlet in philosophy. And in large doses of psychoactive drugs.
Or not. Do as you will. But do rewrite and polish. Clear, easy-to-read, entertaining prose is of course the goal. Fortunately we will not dock your paycheck if you don't deliver a perfect article, 'cos we don't pay you nuthin' anyways. So play with the words and see what you think works. (Bad advice from a bad, bad man...but there it is.)----OEJ 02:05, 12 October 2006 (UTC)