Talk:Jaws (parallel universe version)
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|Humour:||6||The main humour in this article is all the puns, such as the ones about Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, and Jaws itself. I'm not saying that this bad, but it can rather limiting in trying to make this article reach its potential.
If you are looking to expand the article, maybe you could add a section that talks about the reception of the movie and use a pun about roger ebert as roger fishbert, or something like that (bloody awful I know...) and how we gave it "two fins up" as the scariest movie related to terrain wildlife. Maybe add a section about interpretation of how the movie could be seen as a symbol of the encroaching humans onto marine territory and how they pollute our the schools and hospitals of fish communities with their chlorox and 'plastic.' Maybe even talk about the remakes themselves, giving short summaries of those movies and why they were so bad.
In regards to what you already have, I have this weird feeling that the beginning could be made more funny, the part with the mermaids skinny-walking. Maybe instead of eating her, she is found in the arms of a human crying, "Help, pervert! PERVERT!" while the other mermaids believe he ate her and fled. Then, have another sentence saying how a tail fin that looked eerily similar to that of a Long-John Silver fish special was found on the beach the next day, which was believed to be part of the mermaid. I dunno, I just feel like some ironic satire could be attributed to that part. Maybe a second opinion is in order?
Also, you might be able to insert some satire in this sentence, "The man throws itself against the vehicle, and Quint slides down the slippery deck into its mouth and is eaten alive." Maybe say how Quint slid down in what appeared to be an elaborate plan to fool the human into following him and save the lives of his friends, but is subsequently eaten because he was "too determined to get the human and thought he could jab its tonsils with his fin, severely maiming the creature." Or something less wordy than that. It's just that I feel like some parts could be used to make some ironic jokes about this article and the movie itself.
You might also be able to get some ideas from the wikipedia article about Jaws, such as talking about the other possible choices for the roles in the movie, such as this section, "The role of Quint was originally offered to actors Lee Marvin and Sterling Hayden." Maybe switch it to have some fish puns like, "The role of Quint was originally offered to actors Lee Marlin and Sturgeon Hayden." Or maybe talk about how the movie went over production deadline because of "numerous malfunctions with props and the frequent habit of humans to frolic on the beach during summer during filming." Just some ideas, in case you're interested.
|Concept:||7||An interesting concept, albeit not a 100% unique choice. Maybe it's because it feels like a likely topic for an article, maybe I'm just an ass. We may never know.
The only problem I can think of with this article is that the main way for you to get humour out of it, is to use numerous puns. As I said in the humour section, this can be rather limiting, but if you can find a pun for the memorable parts of this movie, you should be fine. Unless you want to get a little foolish and make some jokes about the ridiculous parts of the movie, like maybe saying how they located the man building, "what appeared to be a giant fortress like building out of sand(a sandcastle), assumably to carry his victims to so he could eat them in private. The savage." This is a little silly and random, and like the great writer Black Flamingo11 once told me, be careful with random jokes as they can become unfunny at times. Or something like that, I wasn't really listening to him, oh well.
So yea, if you could manage to throw in some ironic and humorous jokes here and there like the ones I suggested, that would vary up the use of pun jokes everywhere. That way, you won't be restricted to the use of pun jokes exclusively.
|Prose and formatting:||8||Found a couple of errors and fixed them for you. I may have missed something, so I would just re-read to make sure there aren't any other errors in the article.|
|Images:||6.5||So you only have one image here, but it's a short article so I didn't take off much for it. The image is good though, for the record. If you choose to expand the article or just want to put another picture, may I give you some ideas. Perhaps a picture of a person nose-diving into a pool of fish with a caption like, "Your worst nightmare come true." Or perhaps an image of a person holding a container in a pool of water (somehow, I feel like there may actually be picture like this on google) with a caption like, "Smile you son of a bitch." another idea for a more appropriate introductory picture might be to have a lone fish in water with an outlined person jumping into the water for it with it, like a pun of the Jaws poster. These are just some suggestions, I'm sure you think of better things than my ideas, so I'll let you take care it.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||Dunnnn nuh...dunnnn nuh...dun nuh dun nuh dun nuh dun nuh 7.5!!! Ahhhhh!|
|Final Score:||35||So that's about it for this short article, any questions or comments may be harpooned onto my talk page. Hope I was able to help you out in some way and look forward to seeing the finished version of this article. Cheers.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 00:35, April 6, 2011 (UTC)|