Talk:Insomnia

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edit From Pee Review

Humour: 8.2453453638 This is quite a long article, so I think I'm going to go for my original-style section by section breakdown. Then I'll give you my overall opinion of the humour. From just glancing through it looks interesting. Anyway, let's get started...

Insomnia: This section, which seems to serve as an opening paragraph, is very clever. It seems to set up a well written, funny article. The paragraph itself, while quite funny, is not hilarious. Whether you want to try and make this section hilarious is down to you. Sometimes it can be funnier not to have a startlingly funny opening, because if you do, the rest of the article can seem unfunny and boring. Of course if you want to make really laugh-out-loud-funny, and think you can maintain that level of comedy throughout, then, by all means, do so. I apologise, I'm using too many commas. If you wanted to, I'm sure you could find a way of slipping one or two one-liners in with Boris the sheep's life story. Also I like the subtle Boris Johnson sheep joke that you slung in there, with "Borris " linking to the said blonde politician. It's a strong opening, good work.

When A late Night Becomes Insomnia: This is another very strong sections. I can hardly, see that many mistakes in it, actually. The writing is rich and flowing (and reminds me of some of the better UnProvises). Bits here make you smile, like "I’m sitting on my de-clothed bed, putting antiseptic cream on the hole and preparing the Band-Aids. “No. Wait. What the fuck am I doing?” ". This mislink from "TV B-movie " to "The Descent" looks good, but I'm ashamed to say I've never even heard of said film, so I'm not sure if the mislink is a cleverly crafted expert piece of satire, or not. Anyway, another good two paragraphs, here. Maybe not hilarious, but funny. I think you could add just one or two more stages in there, to add to the insomniac's woes. By "stages" I mean another problem arises, like when he's looking under the sink he could accidently create a leak in the piping and get soaked... Just a thought. A few more one-liners in this section definetely wouldn't do any harm, though.

Now I’m Not Tired Anymore!: This whole saga with the computer is well thought out and quite funny, to boot. "I stand up. And leave the computer area. That never happened. It didn’t. I tell myself. It’ll be fine in the morning. " I liked this (although maybe a ... would be more correct than the . after "up") and I liked the description of the computer failing. When the computer does crash you could maybe make it a bit more dramatic, with sparks and a little bang and maybe smoke? With "“Aww.” I coo “What are we going to call you, then?” " I was expecting that a few actual names would be offered up. What about something like this: "Aww." I cooed "What are we going to call you, then?" I pondered for a moment... "What about...ben...dorris...lorris..borris?" I suddenly remembered the name-changing, head honchoing, avenging sheep, number four-hundred-and-twenty-three and shudder. "Maybe not borris". ...or something along those lines. I just want to mayber, er "kcik some ideas around" here. Obviously if you do want to use that, don't copy it word for word!

Cash Call!!!: This section is maybe the funniest so far, even if this parody of a quiz show came completely out of the blue, and is slightly different to the rest of the article. It's very good though, and I'd say you should keep it. Maybe the title of the section should be "Two AM..." though? You clearly are depicting a really stupid (and as you put it) "inane" show (I liked the link to ITV!). When I first read it I thought you used a few words - including "inane" - a bit too much. But now that I've read it a third time, you don't seem to have used them much, at all. Bits of this section really do peak at 9/10, though. I particularly liked "for god’s sake Gwen-from-Cardiff are you deaf and welsh!? ". This is a strong penpenpenultimate section.

Back to Reality, Sorta: This is quite a long chunk of text here, but it's a funny long chunk of text. The image fits in well and it's an amusing little side-track that you go off on (which is ironic, considering the title!)... The various remarks that are made in this are, at times, very funny. "These walls are green.” I realise. “I hate green.” This gives me an idea " is not only quite funny (for some reason) but also, beautifully wets your appetite for paintjob insomniac Steven is planning. I liked the description of his pink 'n' blue decorating, as well, which matched the picture almost perfectly. There's not much I can suggest for this section: to me it's funny, rounded and quite the little gem. However, there may be one or two things that you personally want to change. The section could benefit from a couple of read throughs on your part. Every time you read through it, force yourself to improve the section, somehow (this is a useful technique I stumbled across). Well done though (again), this is a good little (long, actually) section.

Going to Work on no Sleep = Terrifying: *sighs* Few...the penultimate section. This is quite a hefty read, but it's a good one and a funny one. As soon as the section starts I'm plunged into slightly-less-subtle-than-the-rest-of-the-article-but-a-very-funny-example-of-random-humour jokes - "An old lady beat me up for my drugs " being the obvious example. Again this is a little deviation from the actual insomnia topic (slightly) but it works. The same applies to this section as to the last one! I liked it and it was all good. Apart from the very random change from first person to third person and then back to first person, it was pretty well written, too. "all the interest of a menopausal housewife watching daytime TV " is a good metaphor, that's been thrown in there, accurately and expertly. ""Are you sure, it’s just you urinated in the bin and started shouting about guns when Sophie was preparing those papers. I’m just worried.” He sounded like a nursery teacher all condescending. I hated him. I hated him a lot " was excellent, more random humour. This section's comedy-style is different to the rest of the article, and it makes quite a nice refreshing break. You don't overdo the randomness and keep it all still quite sublte-without-being-subtle...that's the best way I can put it. "it hit me. He was real. I wasn’t dreaming " is another great quote from this section, like "I could only be nice to him for so long without causing myself physical pain ". There's so many great one liners in here... More good work.

And Back to Bed: Oh wow...what a mammoth of an article. But we're approaching the end. (Since I didn't right this in order, I've almost finished the review, here...) Anyway we've not got a very short section, which stands in stark contrast to the other hugeeeeeeeeeee sections. This section rounds off the whole article, perfectly (the giant Zs are a nice touch, too). In fact, just reading this makes me feel a bit sleepy (maybe because I got very little sleep last night, maybe because the writing is outstanding, maybe both). This was a nice way to round things off... Overall: Well this is a very English piece. The humour is quite subtle and not over-the-top-random-humour. I think quite a lot of people may not enjoy this article or find it funny (if this ever goes on VFH, which it definitely should, you're likely to face quite a bit of opposition), but I did like it (and I reckon quite a lot of people will enjoy it). It's long, and so people who come across it probably will dip in, get hooked and read on. On the advice front: there's not much to say, you've almost his this for six (avoiding baseball terminology, in favour of something more British). This definitely is among your better articles (I think it's better than this, for example). I've made a few suggestions somewhere in that sea of text above, I hope you'll find them useful. Also... How dare you write something so funny?

Concept: 9 The concept is very good. I'm extremely surprised that no one's written an article on "Insomnia", yet, it's such a good topic. I would, by the way, move this to the mainspace as Insomnia, not an UnBook. You've covered the insomnia idea with the quality such a topic deserves. The article is fittingly long and slightly tiring to read...tiring in a good way. It's got a splattering of good jokes (although a few more would do it some good) and is well written. Concept-wise I don't believe you actually need to do anything, you've pretty much got it spot-on-perfect, first time around. I rarely give 9s in concept, but I loved this article and its concept...so here it is, a 9!
Prose and formatting: 7.5 A question about the number one heading "Insomnia". I presume, if you move this to the mainspace you're going to lose that heading and just make that section the opening paragraph? I think that would be best, formatting wise, it's a little neater like that. One thing you should watch, though, are your tenses. I just spotted one little tense change, which is slightly distracting from the article (for grammar nazis, anyway): "I looked under the sink, though why I’d have scissors there I couldn’t quite figure out. Cursing as I bash my head ". There may be a few other places where this happens, as well...

One quite big problem, I just spotted...one third of the way through "Going to Work on no Sleep = Terrifying" it changes from first person to third person - all "Steven" and "he". This really was quite a blunder, which needs sorting out. The article does switch back to first person, quite quickly. I'm not sure if you intended to do this for "effect", but I'd correct it...It's just confusing to the reader and makes you think that it's a mistake.

Another thing, which I think I mentioned to you on your talkpage (which is only a very minor quibble), is the lack of capitalisation at the beginning of sentences in the image caption: "four-hundred-and-twenty-two, he may look innocent but underneath that wool lies a real bastard. ". Also I tend not to put fullstops in captions, but that's just personal preference. There are a few other grammatical errors strewn about, and places where wording could be improved. For example, in "it roars at me with a metallic crunching noise, imagine toasters chewing tinfoil, then the monitor started screaming ", instead of commas surrounding the clause "imagine toasters chewing tinfoil" it should be enclosed in brackets. However apart from the few mistakes, the prose in this article is very good, very well written and very rounded. I noted that the quality of the writing deteriorates very slightly towards the end, with more mistakes and weird wording creeping in (maybe because of your "sleep deprived state"?). I'm used to reviewing average-ish writing, in fact the quality of writing is something that often gets neglected. I've seen articles with great concepts, and what I think is great humour, it's just all hidden behind bad writing. Here, that isn't a problem. I like the detail you go into, and the very slight tangents you go off on, occasionally. The very involved description, and the "I'm aware of popular culture and modern life" style all add to the humour.

"I turn on my TV and prepare myself for whatever delights two am has for me " - just another little mistake I noticed (sorry to be just constantly picking on little mistakes). Apart from the tense changing (from past to present), "am" should be in capitals, so as to distinguish it from "I am going to the shops". Now apart from these few mistakes the overall formatting is good. You've put the text in sizeable chunks, but not too sizeable. These chunks are the paragraph equivalent of the swimming-pool-world's warm, bubbling, inviting Jacuzzi. They invite you take a dip and start reading. Generally the formatting seems to be pretty varied and neat. Considering this is about insomnia, the length of the article and the sections, are fine. I would give this 8 or 8.5 for the good writing and varied formatting, but the small scattering of mistakes brings this down to a 7.5, I'm sorry to say. Good work, with not much effort I'm pretty sure you can push this score up to 8 or 8.5

Images: 7.5 Your two images are good, especially the second one and are quite funny. However, for such a long article it's a bit...pictureless. You could do with about three or even four more pictures. There's a lot to chose from here, if you want to get a few images chopped. You could get a picture of a bed, maybe, or the TV? Maybe a picture of the presenter on Cash Call? Maybe more pictures of the various sheep and their lifestories? There's a whole wealth of things you could have pictures on/about... I'm not sure if you chop images yourself...but if not, head on down to UN:PIC and make a few requests. You can get some really good pics from down there. The two images you have at the moment deserve an 8, but I'm knocking off a massive, huge, enormous 0.5 because you don't really have enough images. Good work, so far, on the image front, however.
Miscellaneous: 8.1 Yay an average. Can we keep it, mummy? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Final Score: 40.3453453638 I don't think I've had the, erm, um...er...pleasure...to review anything of yours before, it was fun. This was a great British piece of comedy. Some people may not enjoy it, but quite a few will. I'm sure there are various changes you might want to make (go ahead and make them...) and also there's quite a few suggestions I made. Once you've polished this slightly rough gem into a gleaming diamond I'm sure it'll be ready for mainspace-ing and maybe VFH (I think this is maybe only one review away, if you can measure anything in reviews)... You really have got something that could be a masterpiece, here. Good luck, if you want any more advice, you know where to find me. Good luck!

P.S. Sorry for my explicit use of "you", MDL has warned me about trying to avoid this, hope you don't mind.

P.P.S. I hope you enjoyed my score for the humour section...

Reviewer: - [10:02 21 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise


edit Proofread

Bmup smaller The Proofreading Service has proofreaded your article. Like it? Need more proofreading? Click here!

~FAG! +chatline "if it ain't broke, break it" (CUN·VFH) 14:28, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

edit More From Pee Review

Humour: 8 Wow, this is interesting! OK, the intro is a bit different - I wasn't sure where this was going for the first couple of lines, and I was starting to worry. Then a couple more lines and it became clearer, and I started to enjoy it. In the main, this is very good - there are some good ideas here, and they're used pretty well. I guess my main concern is the length - longer articles often struggle on VFH, as I think people take one look and think "can't be bothered to read this" and leave it, perhaps intending to take another look when they have more time. But yeah, I think this could benefit from a little ruthless pruning to make it a little shorter without losing the funnier aspects. That would significantly improve its chances, I'd say.

So, what to trim? Well, the "going to work on no sleep" thing seems like the ideal candidate. Yes, it's amusing, and it shows the effects of insomnia, but the rest of the article is more directly relevant to insomnia, and this almost feels like a separate article, so I think it can be cut down a bit. Yes, it helps with the escalation of this guy's madness, but I think it can be cut down a bit. Also, maybe cut back the phone-in section a little, spend less time on the presenter, and just keep the focus on the bizarre nature of the quiz itself.

Concept: 9 A good idea, and you work well with it. There are a number of directions you could have gone with this, and I like the one you've taken. I can't believe we didn't already have an article on this, to be honest - so kudos for finding something rich with potential and going at it!
Prose and formatting: 6.5 Overall, not that bad, but there are definitely a few niggles you need to sort out. Mainly, keeping your tenses consistent. One example:

"I walk over to the box containing my new computer and I start unwrapping it, savagely, like a child on Christmas morning. [Present tense up to this point] Within ten minutes the hardware was [oops, that's now past tense] out of the boxes and the cables and packaging were strewn across the floor. “Well that was fun.” I sigh [back to present] as I look around at the mess. It was [back to past] quarter past one now. I began to plug everything into the wall and figuring out which cables went where. The number of times I hit my head of the desk, without passing out, was frankly astonishing." 4 switches of tense in just a few lines. And that kind of thing happens throughout the article. I suppose there's the possibility that it's deliberate, to emphasise how out-of-it this sleepless guy is. But it just feels wrong. A good proofread would help this no end.

There's just a couple of typos ("itsself", "verocious" - is that meant to be voracious or ferocious? I'd guess the latter) but nothing major.

Also, I'd like to see a few more links in there - for example, there's red light mentioned for instance, which gives you a perfect chance to link to some prime Cajekery. And the random typing bit is set up for a link to "I just slam may hand on the keyboard and magic happens" or whatever it's called. There's a few links in there, I guess I'd just like to see a few more.

Formatting in general is good, and the writing style fits the article quite nicely, but yeah, this needs work on keeping the tense consistent, and possibly punctuation as well. A proofreading request - mentioning what I've picked up on - could help, particularly if Fag is on the case!

Images: 7.5 I agree with YTTE up there, you need at least one more pic (and, if the article doesn't get any shorter, probably two). A simple one would be a mess of computer cables for the "I'm not tired any more!" section - should be easy to track down a good one.

Apart from that, the rest are good. The MS paint one works quite well, under the circumstances.

Miscellaneous: 7.8 Averaged. Why not?
Final Score: 38.8 OK, so I enjoyed reading this, there are some excellent lines in here, and it's a really good idea. I do think it still needs some work, but it's just sanding and polishing really - there's definitely a VFH article in there, it just needs bringing out a bit betterer. So a pruning to make it a more welcoming length and stop a few people being put off, and a proofread to make the prose feel more tight and consistent, followed by at least one more pic, and I'd say you're about there.

Don't be disheartened by getting a lower score than last time - don't forget, the pee table shows my marking tends to be quite harsh compared to others, read into that what you will. And as ever, this is only my opinion - others are available. And good luck - I hope I helped!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 09:56, Jun 29


edit I like this

I wandered over here and want to say that I was very impressed by this article and disagree somewhat with the review above. It's very long, but that fits in well with an article about going a long time without sleep, which eventually makes ten minutes feel like an hour. I wouldn't worry too much about tenses etc, as the narrator clearly isn't in their right mind and wouldn't manage to write properly anyway. -- 15Mickey20 (talk to Mickey)  15:16, 30 June 2008 (UTC)

I agree. This is good shit.   Le Cejak <15:30, 30 Jun 2008>
Oh hey, thanks, geeze I feel all fuzzy to have had something I wrote nomminated. Though I do agree with U.U. that the tensing should be fixed cos I didn't mean that, I just kept forgetting which tense I was usuing. Ironically I was too tierd when I wrote most of it. Oh and I didn't know you'd planned on writing this, sorry if I trod on your toes! Oh and Cajek is this the kinda stardom, comming-into-his-own, limelight type stuff that you mentioned in your unsign post story? Thanks for that as well. Have Fun! MuCal. BFF Sir Orian57!Talk!PEE!Read!UnProvise!Awards! 19:01 30 June 2008
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