Talk:Gee, the mannequins at Old Navy sure are hot!

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edit Pee Review

Raptor This raptor is guarding this article while his master, Iwillkillyou333 is reviewing it. Be Careful! He Bites.

This one's mine. 24 hours.--If you're 555 then I'm Number of the Beast Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 19:35, June 29, 2010 (UTC)

I like to write a lot of things, I’m pretty good at Pee Reviews, and I received an award Author of the Month Award and one feature. Also I like Avenged Sevenfold, Modern Warfare 2, Halo 3, and brunettes and emo girls.
Concept: 9 This was made for that one hour contest that night and it was kept. I didn’t vote for it, but I think it’s great concept-wised. You took a subject and stuck with it. Although things in the article could use some work. But I’ll get to those things when I get to those sections, but the concept is good as it is.
Prose and Formatting: 7 You have a few spelling and grammar mistakes. This is understandable, as this was in the one hour contest that one night, but know you got some time to proofread it and check for mistakes. (or have the proofread template on the article and have someone proofread it for you.

I also liked the tone of the article; a narrative tone about a guy who thinks the mannequins at Old Navy look hot is pretty good. And you stuck with that tone the entire time, so I’ll give you kudos for that.

Humo(u)r: 7 I thought the humor was pretty decent. Although I think some of the humor here could use some expanding. It has good jokes and things, but it could use some more jokes and could have some of its current jokes expanded some.

And you weren’t really specific on the narrator’s girl. It sounded like she’s his girlfriend, but you didn’t really explained, so I don’t know if she’s that, or if she’s his sister, friend or mother. So you should explain more of that.

And finally I think you should have him sneak one out, and cheat on his girlfriend (if it is his girlfriend) and take the mannequin out for dinner, and maybe have him get jiggy with it. Or let him, the mannequin, and his girl have a threesome. (only if that’s his girlfriend). But that’s up to you, but a good idea never the less.

Images: 8 You got some good images here, they support your article well. But the first image should have a caption something like “This is me. My friends all tell me I look like Russell Crowe. I guess they’re right.” That’s up to you, but is a good idea. Also, the image should be on the right, not the left. All article’s first images have their images on the right, so better stick with that. Plus, that makes it look messy. Also, one or two more images won’t hurt (optional), but I think you’re good on images.
Miscellaneous: 6 My overall grade of this article
Final Score: 37 Not bad, needs work, but pretty good effort for a one hour article. If it can survive VFD, I think it can survive VFH, if you’re willing to put more work on it. If you have any questions/comments, just go to my talk page and I’ll be happy to answer them. Good Luck! Cheers!
Reviewer: --If you're 555 then I'm Number of the Beast Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 20:46, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
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