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|Humour:||5||So the main disadvantage to this article was that I was constantly confused who was narrating the article. In the beginning, I thought it just a typical speaker, but then it goes into like a best-friend thing, then a dictionary talking about the origin of the word, and then what appears to be the guy's grandfather, then a prison inmate? Because of this, I sort of lost interest in the article because I was so confused and couldn't follow. I'm not sure what you are going for here, but while I was reading, I felt like this could be one of those articles were the subtitles tell who is talking like "Your mailman" or "That kid down the street" or something like that. Then you could address each section to its respective speaker. For example, "Feeling Awkward Yet," could be "Your Intelligent neighbor Fraiser" or something like that, since that section seems to trying to put the idea of a boy-friend in perspective by using analogies and analysis, "I know you may be confused, but remember friend, boyfriends are like socks. There are so many and you never know which one your honey wants to try that day." Awful analogy, but you get my drift.
However, this is the humour section and I can't really tell you the path you should take so I'll just review the article's humour based on the format it is now.
Beginning Paragraph: So first off, I don't agree with the first sentence, "A boyfriend is defined as the male component of an heterosexual couple." It's just a male companion and if you say heterosexual, then you're limiting yourself from the numerous gay jokes you could make here, like maybe putting a climatic ending after the entire article like, "If none of this works, there are other routes you can take *wink wink*," or "So tell me, what is the name of this bimbo we've been talking about for the past fifteen minutes? Jeffery? Well that's not much of a feminine name-wait?....oh god, HEATHEN!!" Or something like that. A second comment is that you didn't expand on the joke sentence, "But you paid his words no mind, even when she let him buy her a drink later that night." You should add something like, "Even when she put his hand on her ass and asked him to be her Hugh Hefner, you sat there thinking to yourself "My girlfriend is so nice, playing with silly grandpa." You whipped up pansy." Just an idea, but I do think you should expand here.
Feeling awkward yet?: One thing on my mind was, why the "Yes," at the end of the first paragraph? A one liner there does seem like it would be funny, but in this case, it seems out of place. Secondly, when you start talking about the cat, I think you could really expand on this and work yourself up into talking about the cat, like this, "If you look closely at the word you might wonder why you initially considered it so meaningful. After all, "boyfriend" is little more than a conjunction of the English words "boy" and "friend"; the first signifying little more than the subject's gender, and the second merely being a vague label for someone you are aquainted with. Oh you naive fool. When girls say they are going out with their girlfriends, does that mean they are all lesbians? Sadly, no. Same case for you loser, when that 'girlfriend' of yours calls you here boyfriend, it's more like, "my guy friend that is cute, but I would never consider going out with." Oh no, you see that strong, dark Dominican she's currently groping at the waist? That, my friend, is a 'boyfriend,' not your skinny ass." Sort of strayed from the cat thing, but...um....yea *runs away*
But sometimes...: So you kind of strayed from the boyfriend perspective to the girlfriend perspective here, but that's discussed in the concept section. Just dealing with humour right now. One thing that got me was this sentence, "you could nonchalently announce a little later on that your contraceptive pills are messing your system and you wonder if it would be better to stop and "Could we have a baby, honey? Why? Ohhh... I'm depressed, I need to take a ride..." Et voilà, the road is yours!" The, let's have a baby thing, kind of messes up the flow so you might want to fix the wording there so the flow is a little bit better. Secondly, I really think you could expand this section a lot more. Milk that mother-fucker man. Here, let me do a 'before and after' kind of thing
BEFORE: "But sometimes...by pure chance, when the stars align within the cosmic Realm of Love, a somewhat meaningful relationship can spawn from innocent courtship. The boyfriend then becomes increasingly vulnerable to threats and blackmail, and this is where you want to take advantage of the situation, ladies. For example, now that you are his fiancée and cheating is out of the question (for him), you could put him under duress of a sex strike in order to gain access to his car keys to go on a joyride. When he refuses, pointing out that you wrecked his Mustang last time, you could nonchalently announce a little later on that your contraceptive pills are messing your system and you wonder if it would be better to stop and "Could we have a baby, honey? Why? Ohhh... I'm depressed, I need to take a ride..." Et voilà, the road is yours! Don't be afraid to let your imagination wander and display your acting skills with assurance and confidence, as your companion is very likely to fall for the trap you laid. Don't forget to be proud of your successes and buy yourself a treat as a reward for your accomplishments, preferably with his money."
AFTER: "But sometimes...by pure chance, when the stars align within the cosmic Realm of Love, a somewhat meaningful relationship can spawn from innocent courtship. This is when you ponce on lady opportunity ladies, because your man, even the most closed of emotional turtle of a man, is at his most vulnerable here. You see, now that the fool is under the impression that he may have found 'the one' which he can take back to mother and display proudly like a 40 pound sea bass over a fisherman's fireplace, he will be at his lowest emotional point, desperate to keep the so called "love" between you two. Do not miss your chance to strike where it hurts, his wallet, and then strike him when he's down, in his balls. Don't think of it as cruelty, no, cruelty would be like keeping a dog on a leash 2 feet short of reaching a treat on a ground, oh no. This is more like...a test, yes, a test. You see, if you can prove to yourself that your man is willing to do anything short of going to the moon for you, then perhaps you too have found 'the one.' If not, at least you'll get a bunch of cool stuff out of it.
For example, do you know what the most powerful part of your body is ladies? That's right. The Vagina. Not physically of course, hell no, it's a freaking hole between your legs for christ's sake. No, it's your most powerful sexual weapon. Yes indeed, deny any man the chance to insert his plug into your socket and he'll be out getting you the Aztecs' gold just for one night of passion, unless you're tired that night of course. He'll understand, they always do.
But what if sexual depravity doesn't work? Well, after you confirm your partner isn't a closeted queer, there is one other path you can take...let's pretend your partner won't let you drive his new car. That's fair, but what if you decide to tell him, "Honey, I think it's time we start a family and I mean a big family, like 5 to 6 kids. Yes, right now." He'll hand the keys over without a second thought, rather risking the fate of his new porsche to your female driving-inept hands than have to deal with dirty diapers." BAM, there we go. Just an idea, feel free you plagiarize you freeloading bastard.
The dream vs. the reality: Didn't...um...quite understand the first paragraph. Wasn't that funny and the elvis thing was random. The second paragraph is a little better with some jokes, but nothing outright funny, but then it gets random. When did the guy get into a bar and who the hell is talking to him? I'd love to suggest changing some thing here, but I just had no idea what you were going for here, so I'll let you take care of it.
But she will not comply!: This best part within this section is about the salsa guy, that made me laugh. However, I'm not sure what the section has to with the woman not complying. If I were you, I would have used the salsa thing in the beginning of the article and worked it into the whole article, instead of introducing it so late into it. Talk about "Even when she came late and said she was working late with Rick, the Salsa guy, on a project, you said nothing. Didn't that raise an alarm inside of you? Wake up! Why? Because your girlfriend and Rick don't even work in the same building! She's an architect and he's a freaking mechanic. What do you mean he might be fixing the company cars?? You don't see the connection here?? Jesus Christ, I give up..." The main thing I'm saying here, is that you should expand upon the salsa guy and maybe insert some more clarification of the complying aspect like, "When you asked her about the pair of men's underwear in her car, she got defense, didn't you notice? Come one man, she claimed that they were yours from that vacation when you had to change in the car! Come one man, of course they aren't yours, your package is way too small to fit in them..." Or something like that. Just an idea.
I was a boyfriend once...: I'll combine the "YES" part and this one together. First off, I'm not sure I understand the pattern here. The flow is kind of off from saying, "What in tarnation are you thinking?", too, "I was a boyfriend once." Maybe get rid of the YES part and just flow into the last section a little better, eh? I was also confused about why the narrator is in prison and why this guy would be talking to him. Perhaps just how he WAS in jail and how he HAD boyfriend there and liked it better that way, or something. Also, maybe you coul dinsert a part about the narrator talking aobut how he was once "Thae sals guy," or something ironic like that. Was kind of confused what you were going for here, so can't really suggest anything significant, sorry.
|Concept:||5||It's not that original a concept and I wasn't exactly impressed with your execution of it, but you did have some clincher moments, so I acted in good faith with the score.
In regards to concept, I already presented an idea in the first paragraph of the humour section, but I really do think you need to re-think the flow you're going for here. You need to settle on an idea of what style of narration you are going for and go with it. For example, maybe you could do a switch thing where one section is about the boyfriend's perspective of love and then switch in the next section about how the woman just wants more diamonds or something, and then reverse back and forth, etc. Just fix the problem with telling who the narrator is and creating a better flowing article that the reader can easily read and tell what type of style you're going for, because right now, I can't really tell if there is a style or now. Fix the concept, and the humour should align itself a little better and be easier to write out.
|Prose and formatting:||7||Is your grammar and punctuation good? Yes. Is your format good? No. Do I really believe that you were only using that lotion for a sunburn? Not so much.
So you did pretty good with any spelling errors as in I didn't see any. Your punctuation seems good too, but I would just re-read over the article to make sure that all of that is in order. I think I saw one or two conjunctions mis-usages, so look for that.
In regards to format, seems a little clunky. This is attributed to the small paragraphs and sort of jumpy narration. I think if you fix the suggestions I have in the humour and concept, it will work this part out as well.
|Images:||8||The best thing about this article would probably be the images, but just to clarify, let's go one by one.
1. The picture is ok and the caption is great. This is optional, but perhaps you could find a picture that is less generic, maybe of a girl wearing a t-shirt that says " I ♥ my boyfriend." I think this will make the caption even more hilarious and will have better relation to the article as the reader can connection the caption with the character in the picture. This is of course optional and is in no regards of upmost important. Sleep on it, or with it, whichever way your boat floats.
2. (The picture of the angry couple on the left) Perfect, can't really say anything against this one.
3. (The painting of a couple on the right) I didn't quite like this one too much. I wasn't able to understand the caption in relation to the picture. Who is kissing an engagement ring and why would they be? Is it a sign of dominance, female submission or control? This one should either be worked on or changed, but I'm sure with what since I'm not sure what you were going for here. I'll let you decide.
4. (The Boyfriends™ on the right) I liked it, but I was a little confused about its relation to the article. The main focus seems to be on taking advantage of your boyfriend and having numerous ones, so I'm not sure what an inflatable one has anything to do with that. Either get rid of the picture or include a section that puts the picture into a perspective. That's the most I can tell you about that.
5. (The very last picture. The last one. Yes, that one.) Hmmm, so the picture is funny as it has some relation to the article, but I wasn't sure about the caption. Maybe a different caption like, "Hold on tight to this one and never let go. Until his train arrives and he leaves. Then go home and hold on to the the boyfriend you're texting and never let go. EIther way, you'll never be alone!" I'm sure you can condense this into something less subtle and more funny. It's just a suggestion of course, because the caption right now is sort of contradictory to what you're going for.
|Miscellaneous:||6||The number of people I've been cheating on you with. Sorry.|
|Final Score:||31||The article needs work, but you should know all about things that need work, shouldn't you? You think our relationship is going to just fix itself? No, and if you had just come with me to the couples counselor like I asked, maybe you'd be able to actually pleasure me in bed once in a while rather than having to try to get it up with dirty pictures. You know what, I'm going to stay with my mother for a while. If you have any questions, comments, divorce requests, just leave it by my talkpage. I'll THINK...about responding.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 05:58, July 13, 2011 (UTC)|