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some quick reworks of a couple of key sentences in the opening paragraph are probably in order. most noticeably,
"Everyone is unhappy which is evident in the fact that they are all alive."
"Also happy are the badly retarded and people on heroin, though they are covered elsewhere."
"Unlike amongst the human population"
"and through roaming help group activities called Redneck Hunting Parties."
the wording is awkward.
"Everyone is unhappy, in light of the fact that they are all still alive"
"Also happy are Heroin addicts and the gravely retarded, though they are covered elsewhere"
"and via nomadic support groups often referred to as 'redneck hunting parties'"
A major contributer to animal suicide was left out: the possum!!! ^
some shitty examples, so dont use those either. they suck. just some quick examples of ways you could rework soem of this stuff on your own. seems a bit rough for a featured article.