Tales of the Abyss
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| Tales of the Abyss | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Namco |
| Release Date | February 52, 12 |
| Genre | Sexual Harassment |
| Platforms | Playstation 2 |
| Rating | XXX |
| Would Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo play it? | Yes, because Tear is hot. |
“Whoops! My Bad.”
~ Luke on destroying Akzeriuth
“I will make those words your last.... REPLICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!*gasp*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”
~ Asch the Bloody on Example of overacting
“Jade... *orgasmic moan* wait for me.. uhhhh uhmmm...”
~ Dist the Rose on while dreaming of Jade
“JADE!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!! STOP!!! I'M SORRY!!!.”
~ Dist the Rose/Runny on in mid-orgasm behind closed Keterburg hotel doors.
“Get outta my face!.”
~ Luke on after every battle, camera zooming in on him
“From his eyebrows shoot beams of light, and from his beard a strange power emanates...his arrival will be felt by the s*t*inking of the Earth.”
~ The Score on the arrival of Van
“Shoop da Whoop!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Score
“Lloyd...... Luke! I am your FATHER!”
~Kratos AurionDarth Vader on a misunderstanding
“IT'S OVER 9000!!!”
~ Vegeta on Jade's power level
Tales of the Abyss is the lackluster decent sequel prequil follow-up to the critically acclaimed pornographic game Tales of Symphonia. It features many new systems, such as the Free Run system, which allows you to run in places you wouldn't normally be allowed to, such as a library or a bathroom or a strip club. Another new addition is the ROM Slot system. In the ROM Slot system, the player can equip the characters with ROMs collected on their journey, which allows them to become characters form other video game series wiuthout the need for pesky copyrights. However, abusing the system leads to an unwinnable battle against FBI agents, who them proceed to arrest you and your loved ones for software piracy usage. For this reason, Tales of the Abyss is rated #2 in "Games Most Likely To Get You Arrested", behind "Super Pedophile Fun House". The final boss of the game is a giant zombie pimp who you must defeat in the ultimate duel of rock-paper-scissors. Failure to do so deletes all your games and you have to start back from the beginning. The game received an average rating of 4/10 -5/10.
Contents |
[edit] Main Characters
[edit] Luke fon Fabre
Luke fon Fabre, also known as "Luke fon Fabulous", and "Luke the Impaler" is the traditional spiky-haired protagonist, except he isn't angsty (thank Jesus). Instead, he stands there and acts as a model so the girls in the party can fight. Eventually (and once the girls get tired of him) the party banishes him on the wasteland town of Akzeriuth (a.k.a the Black Sea, after it sinks), where he encounters his twin brother Asch the Bloody (a.k.a Asch the B****). Asch forces Luke to use his "hyperresonance", which increases his suave, sex appeal, and pimp factor exponentially (hence, he "resonates" with pimpness). However, he loses control of his hyperresonance, which takes the form of Snoop Dogg, who promptly pimp-slaps the biznatches in the town. Everyone dies except Luke, Asch, and Luke's former group. The party focuses on changing him by getting girls, money, apple gels and chocolate pudding banned for him. This breaks Luke's bratty spirit, and he degenerates into the standard angsty Tales character (DAMN IT). They have many cliched adventures, meeting such fascinating characters such as Iemon (or Lemon) and the Old Folks (they die, the party kills them), the religious extremists known as "the God-Generals" (they die, they kill each other), and Ion, the hermaphrodite priest (kills himself). After they complete their inadvertent killing spree, they confront the traditional "twisted ideals" main antagonist, Vandesdelca al-Ahmoud Musto Fende Grants, who they kill. Afterwards. He also happens to be a zombie.
Halfway through the game, Luke was told that he had no soul. This was backed up by the fact that he had ginger hair. Because of this, he used one of Tear's knives and attempted to slit his wrists. He missed though, because gingers suffer from terrible depth preception and the inability to be emo.
[edit] Tear Grants
Tear is the typical required female sex symbol in every game. Even though this game is filled with whores, none of them are as slutty as Tear. She has sex with every character, including Natalia, Anise, Largo, and Ion, and also Anise's giant sex toy. Actually, she did everyone in the game twice, except for Luke whom she did uncountable times. She wields a mace/staff/spear/pointy thing that she never uses, only for masturbation. She also sings from time to time, at which point Luke gets her laid because her singing turns him on.
[edit] Jade Curtiss
Jade, also known as Jade the Necrophilemancer, is the creator of all life and all things. He looked unto the earth and said, "Let there be Life upon this Earth, that the Light of the World shall fall into existence." Then, life as we know it was created. He personified himself into the first man, where he developed a remote personality of himself, which is why he is considered the best character. Never get on Jade's bad side. He can unmake you.
Jade accomplishes this via casting the spell Indignation. When casting the spell Jade sucks all the awesomeness out of the surrounding environment and zapping his opponent(s) with it. Since no being other than Jade can contain that much awesomeness they simply cease to exist.
Jade also has the ability to cause brutal wounds with his wit alone, having landed many in the hospital with his cutting words. One was never able to walk again.
Jade's power level is above a google.
Note: At one point Jade ran into both Mr. T and Chuck Norris at the same time and both Mr. T and Chuck Norris spontaneously exploded.
Jade's sexuality is also highly contested and speculated on. Of all the Tales characters, he is the only one who has no "loveteam" or object of interest. The only apparent angle would that be of his twisted relationship with Dist the Rose. Were they, or weren't they?
At one point, Emperor Peony called Jade "my Jade." Hot gay action LOL.
[edit] Anise Tatlin
Anise is a 13-year-old girl. She carries a teddy bear which can grow to a giant size and play Dance Dance Revolution much better than I can. She, herself, is basically powerless. She carries the same mace/staff/spear/pointy thing that Tear does, and also never uses it (again, only for the m word). She is the only true whore of the party, because she will only have sex if money is offered to her. In other words, she's a kid prostitute, who goes around towns riding her doll thing and waiting for unsuspecting rich guys who want to get laid.
[edit] Guy Cecil
Guy is a guy. Considered to be one of the handsomest Tales characters, he's probably the only one who never does it. Probably his gender preference are men. He can not hate Luke completely because he has a secret crush on him.
[edit] Natalia Luzu Kimlasca Lanvaldear
Since her name is too long for human standards, most gamers simply call her NLKL, which is also the term the party uses when they mean "Noobs Likeyou Kill L---" I forgot. Her bow is actually hollow so that she can keep her crack in it. She frequently is referred to as "the bitch" because she is stuck-up, a liar, and stupid as hell. She is a healer, but no one actually cares because Tear is much better, prettier, sexier, and the likes, despite their age difference. It's not like you need Natalia anyway as she doesn't really do anything ever in the game. You might as well use the glitch to delete her from the game forever, which is, sadly, only available to the producers of the game. You may, however, find said particular version through Amazon.com's underground marketplace.
[edit] Fon Master Ion
Okay, this is actually a girl. Come on, this HAS to be a girl. There is no way this is a guy. I mean, that's just creepy. Ion is the supreme leader of the Order of Lorelei, which is the religion of the world. Yes, the entire world is one of two religions, either for the Order or against it. Otherwise they will be huffed mercilessly. SHE is the only one that can read a thing called "The Score," which is basically what some drugged-up prophet said would happen. Why this prophet wrote in some fucked up language, no one knows.
[edit] Fonic Artes
The game's story revolves around a mysterious substance/force called Phone-on's which appearantly vibrate at 7 main frequencies. These frequencies denote the different elementals that are used in the game's battle system. They are:
- 1st phone-on = Cheese elemental
- 2nd phone-on = Reality TV elemental
- 3rd phone-on = 1337 3l3m3nt41
- 4th phone-on = Nobody-actually-says-what-this-is-or-cares-about-mark elemental
- 5th phone-on = 'Splody (the ability to asplode something) elemental
- 6th phone-on = Domino's Pizza Speed dial
- 7th phone-on = The Oscar Wilde elemental
[edit] The Sex OMG111!!!! Gen(con)rulz
- Asch the Emo - Van hated gingers but wanted Asch as a sex slave. Van cloned asch so he could hopefully have a non-ginger sexslave. Asch likes to cut himself but cannot be truly emo due to his gingerness and thus is an epic failure in all counts. Asch is a fire crotch.
- Lagretta the 1337 69 shooterz - Lagretta likes shooting her load all over Tear. Shes the one who taught tear how to do "that trick" with her staff/rod. Yu know the one I mean.
- Arietta the yiffin furry - Arietta wanted to become babyfurs but when her parents said no, she killed and ate them. Arietta loves ligars and other animals who she communicates with by showing them her tater tots. She has fapped it to Krystal at last 10 times.
- Dist the ROSE/RUNNY/REAPER/RETARD/WHATEVER... --WHY DOES ONE SO BEAUTIFUL AS ME HAVE TO BE A DISTASTICAL INSTEAD OF A ROSE???? :(
- Largo the HUGE BLACK man - Hell even Natalia's granny says "He was a HUGE man With a HUGE.... er. Heart... So he's been around the block a few times. SPOILERZ He's natalia's daddy and is why she loves crack so much.
- Synch the pretty jailbait - He calls himself a pice of meat. He's totally askin for it and is another sexslave clone of ion for van's personal pleasure. Synch is pretty enough that even Bridget feels threatened by his androgynay? whatever. you know what I mean. =/
The game's battle system allows the user of an attack that has an element designated to it to create what's called a "field of Phone-ons" or a "Mobile Phone-on" which, if stood in can increase that character's strength over using that type of element. THERE IS NO SERVICE IN THE QLUPPOTH! --love the big old expensive phone company 8=D
Van "BIG PIMPIN" Grants- Van wants to create a replica world made out of sexslaves so he can be a pimp just like his Idol Jay-Z. Van faps it to Oscar Wilde and it was thatks to the Big O himself that he became inspired to create his own slexslave for the shher intention of buggary in the 1st degree. Van wants to replicate your dad so he can have over 9000 sexslaves. He hates 819 8008135. ( o )( o )
