Tales of Destiny
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| Tales of Destiny | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Namco |
| Release Date | Bundled with Duke Nukem Forever |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | Playstation 2 |
| Rating | T |
| Would Lech Wałęsa play it? | Ask me if I care! |
“2D 5pr1735? W7F m8! 637 w17h 7h3 73chn0”
~ 06y! on A Concerned Gamer
Tales of Destiny is the newest game in the critically-acclaimed Tales series, and an exciting remake of the original game of the same name, released on the Playstation. The game follows in the footsteps of the original; both games have graphics that shit on the capabilities of their systems, and both have a nearly all-female party. While the game manages to capture some of the luster of it's predecessors, for the most part, it falls flat on its face. You'll spend countless hours watching as your blocky 2D avatar navigates one identical hallway after the next, only to be interrupted by a difficult puzzle or two. But who wants thinking in video games, anyway? You'll also interact with other blocky, 2D NPCs, who continue to spout worthless advice, except now it's in Japanese! Oh, I forgot to mention this is Japan-only. Which means you have to spend $300 on a Japanese PS2 to play it. If you're sane, you'll just forget this game even existed.
In addition to a boring navigation system, the game delivers a lackluster battle system. The battles consist of just running up to your opponents and mashing the O and X buttons as fast as you can to kill them (in addition to this, those crazy Japanese have the functions of the X and O button reversed, making it hard for normal people to play it. Go figure). The game also rips off...er...copies the random encounter system of Final Fantasy, yet fails to pull it off as well as Final Fantasy. Can they do anything right?
[edit] Story
Party fights bad people and saves the day.
[edit] Characters
Stahn Aileron: One of the main protagonists. Like most main heroes in his genre, he has spiky hair, and is very feminine-looking. He also suffers from constant stupidity brought on by his role as main character, and is often seen in slash fiction with Leon Magnus. He wields a sword named Dimlos, named such because he, like Stahn, is dull-witted. He has the power of fire, and in the hands of two idiots, this leads to often-disastrous consequences.
Rutee Katret: One of the only characters who actually looks like the gender she is meant to be. She hunts for treasure, but apparently must suck at it, as she joins your group, which is not hunting for treasure. Her sword is named Atwight, and in a past life it was a male prostitute.
Leon Magnus: Token pretty boy, he's only here to appease the fangirls. His real name is Emilio Gonzales de Lopez Jr. Naturally, he is paired with Stahn in canon, and his love affair with another women in-game is considered worthless filler. He betrays the group later in the game, and afte rhe is defeat, valiently saves his friends at the cost of his own life. This too is considered filler, as if he is dead, he cannot have a relationship with Stahn after the game (Unless of course, you're a necrophiliac. Then he died and Stahn wants to fuck the corpse). He wields the weapon name Pierre de Chaltier, and as suggestion by his name, he is French. That means he is probably gay, as is his wielder. He dies.
Philia Felice: Innocent priest who you must rescue from Catholic bishops looking to rape her near the beginning of the game. She is a spellcaster, which technically makes her a heretic, but this game's logic differs from ours. Her weapon is named Clemente and no one really care about him, leading to his commit suicide by cutting himself with himself.
Mighty Kongman: The only true male in the game, and the pinnacle of manliness. With his bulging muscles and massive frame, he makes short work of his enemies using only his fists. He is also extremely durable and light, allowing him to leap into the air to deliver devastating combos. Gets all the ladies and isn't gay, and as such, no crappy slash fiction of him exists, to the relief of many. His weapons are his fists, and he has no need to name them; mentioning them is enough the frighten foes.
Johnny Shiden: A wandering pedophile/musician who lures children into his grasp with his guitar. In battle, however, he is capable of defeating enemies by simply rocking the fuck out, a power second only to Kongman. He too, carries an unnamed guitar.
Miktran: An crabby old cunt returned from the dead via the sacrifice of Leon's father Hugo. Is also a pretty boy, and manages to seduce Leon into attacking your group. Afterwards he plans on covering the earth in the hardest substance known to man and then firing lasers at it. However, his plan goes terribly wrong when, in the process of fusing with the laser, he accidentally fuses with a cricket, turning him into a giant, purple, humanoid grasshopper, who the party easily kills. Is reborn as the hero Mithos "Disco King" Yggdrasill, and again as Dhaos, Lord of the Dance.
God: God is present in this game as an secret final boss, taking the place of Miktran. If the player opts to destroy the Glass Eye of God instead of Miktran, God will appear and fight the group. On Kiddie Mode he has near 198,000 HP, and can smite any of your characters in one shot. Defeating him creates a paradox which destroys the universe and causes a game over, making the fight against God merely for bragging rights.
