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Not that kind of tail, dumbass!!

“Hey, my dog has one of those.”
~ Captain Obvious on his dog after reading this article

The tail is an arm growing out of the rear end of an animal's body; in general, the term refers to a distinct, flexible appendage to the torso. Tails are used for many different reasons, some good and some bad. There are all kinds of tails with different abilities such as flaming tails and useless flab of skin tails. About 90% of all animals have tails and only about 20% of humans have tails.

Tails and function

Tails come in many shapes and sizes, and provide many functions for animals. Most animals use their tails for balance, so without them they would constantly fall over.


All children are born with tails.

Much of the most known tails came by the means of evolution or coincidental accidents. For instance, many dinosaurs were constantly preyed on by their natural predators and didn't have any means of defense, as the gun wasn't invented yet. So eventually their tails developed spikes and clubs that can be used as weapons that their tiny brains actually know how to use. Throughout its evolutionary stages, the beaver constantly had its tail run over and stepped on. Thus years later, that once powerful and useful tail became a flattened pancake-like appendage. Due to the humiliation this caused, the beaver decided to hide away in underwater dams and slap water, blaming it for its misery and because it is the only thing a flat tail is good for.

Some animals have tails just because they need them. A third of the world's fish, whales, and dolphins have tail fins which are mainly used to help them swim and face slap. And have you ever seen those nature documentaries where kangaroos stand on their tails and kick other kangaroos?. Crikey!

Tails can also be used for food. An example would be the scorpion's tail built in with a venomous stinger, which it uses to stab its victims before biting off their heads. Some animals, such as mangy dogs and feral midgets, have been known to eat their own tails at times when food is scarce or for their own stupidity.

Some tails provide magical powers and abilities, like the gecko's tail which can be cut off and grown back. Some animals have the unique ability to fly by using their tails as propellers. Pigs have those curly tails for some unknown reason - some scientists say they are most likely used to make mini-tornadoes to escape from farmers who want to butcher them. Then there are animals with prehensile (Pre-Hen-Sill) tails, the kind that can can be used as an extra hand at times of laziness. Or to hang upside-down (maybe because of mental retardation).

Last and least, there are really short, stubby tails with absolutely no purpose, though animals with these stubs have ways to make up for it. For instance, rabbits have very small tails that look more like freaking cotton balls. However, they make up for it with their ridiculously long ears, super cuteness powers, and their tendency to eat your soul. Tailless tails

Why humans don't have tails

Humans have wondered for years why THEY don't have tails like animals. Science has shown a number of theories of how animals lost their tails and evolved into humans. The most popular misconception is that humans evolved from monkeys. We know now that the person who came up with this was drunk.

Recent studies show that humans evolved from mermaids, who were notorious for slapping scuba divers in the face with their fish tails. As punishment, Mother Nature turned some mermaids' tails into legs, while others grew white fur and became baby seals. Another theory states that early human females had big bushy tails to brush in the faces of their mates. No longer with big bushy tails, a slap in the ass works just as well. Other humans were extremely fat animals who were too lazy to use their tails and/or squashed them upon sitting down. Those animals evolved to become Fat People and Sumo wrestlers.

Today it is quite rare to find a tailed human, most of which being young kids. At an older age, girls lose their tails, causing their butts to grow round and sexy as a result. Boys keep their tails until an evolutionary change in which they turn into dicks.


Tail boner: That's why humans don't have tails.

Other animals without tails


  • Having a ponytail does not give you an actual tail.
  • If someone farts when you pull his finger, consider what happens when you pull an animal's tail.
  • If your dog chases its tail, that means it has no life or friends. You don't want to know what happens if it catches it.
  • Charizard's tail is on fire but he is just too stupid to realize it.
  • Approximately 99% of all the people who read this article don't have tails.

Other things humans don't have

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