Tail

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Why humans don't have tails)
(rewrite)
 
(10 intermediate revisions by 5 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
[[Image:Dog-kuso180.jpg|thumb|Not that kind of tail, dumbass!!]]
 
[[Image:Dog-kuso180.jpg|thumb|Not that kind of tail, dumbass!!]]
{{q|Hey, my dog has one of those.|Captain Obvious|his dog after reading this article}}
+
{{q|Hey, my dog has one of those.|[[Captain Obvious]] upon reading this article}}
The '''tail''' is an arm growing out of the [[butthole|rear end]] of an animal's body; in general, the term refers to a distinct, flexible appendage to the torso. Tails are used for many different reasons, some good and some bad. There are all kinds of tails with different abilities such as flaming tails and useless flab of skin tails. About 90% of all [[animals]] have tails and only about 20% of [[humans]] have tails.
+
The '''tail''' is an arm growing out of the [[butthole|rear end]] of an [[animal]]'s body. In general, the term refers to a distinct, flexible appendage to the torso. Tails can come in different forms and serve various functions, from flaming tails and useless flab-of-skin tails. About 90% of all animals have tails while only about 20% of [[humans]] have tails.
 
 
== Tails and function ==
+
== Evolution of Tails ==
Tails come in many shapes and sizes, and provide many functions for animals. Most animals use their tails for balance, so without them they would constantly fall over.
+
[[File:Childrenhavetails.jpg|left|thumb|All [[children]] are born with tails.]]
[[File:Childrenhavetails.jpg|thumb|All [[children]] are born with tails. ]]
+
While tails come in all shapes and sizes, the vast majority of animals use them for balance, and would constantly be falling over otherwise. At least 50 billion years ago, [[dinosaurs]] suffered at the hands of their natural predators because [[gun]]s weren't invented yet. Thanks to the miraculous power of evolution, they would grow tails which later developed spikes and clubs, all efficient weapons that these tiny-brained beasts can actually comprehend.
For many animals, the tail is incredibly useful. Many [[dinosaurs]] were constantly preyed on by their natural predators and didn't have any means of defense (the [[gun]] wasn't invented yet). So eventually their tails developed spikes and clubs that can be used as [[weapon]]s. The [[skunk]] has a bushy tail which contains a stinky gas it farts out for defense or when it gets hit by a [[car]]. [[Beaver]]s are known for having flat tails, possibly because people kept running them over or stepping on them.
 
   
Some tails have tails just because they need them. [[Fish]] have tail fins, while [[whale]]s, [[dolphin]]s, and [[narwhal]]s have tail flukes. These tails are mainly used to help the animals swim, though they are also good for slapping people in the face. [[Kangaroo]]s have long muscular tails to help them jump and kick (You ever seen those [[Nature|nature documentaries]] where the kangaroos stand on their tails and kick other kangaroos?). Crikey!
+
Common tail types include bushy, prehensile, ring-tailed, pony tails, cotton tails and [[DuckTales|duck tails]]. Then there are those tails which appear to possess magical powers, like the kind that regenerates after being cut off. [[Tails the Straight|Certain animals have the unique ability to fly by using their tails as propellers]]. Curly tails, such as those shown in [[pigs]], have no clear function, although a team of drop-outs from [[Oxford University]] believe they can produce miniature tornadoes as defense against hungry butchers.
   
Tails can also be used for food. [[Scorpion]]s have tails with [[venom]]ous stingers at the end. Any creature that gets [[stab]]bed by a scorpion's stinger will die and get eaten. Some animals have been known to bite and eat their own tails at times when food is scarce or for their own stupidity.
+
Last and least, there are ''really'' short, stubby tails which provide absolutely no purpose. Animals with such unfortunate stubs often have other ways to make up for it. The [[rabbit]], for instance, has what looks more like a cotton ball attached to its butt. What makes the rabbit so special are its ridiculously long ears and irresistible cuteness capable of stealing your soul.
 
Some animals can do unique things with their tails to make themselves look cool. [[Gecko]]s have the ability to cut off their tails and magically grow a new one. [[Tails the Straight|Some animals have the unique ability to fly by using their tails as propellers]]. [[Pig]]s have those curly tails for some wierd reason - some [[scientists]] say they are most likely used to make mini-[[tornado]]es to escape from farmers who want to butcher them. Some animals have prehensile (Pre-Hen-Sill) tails. This kind of tail can be used for grip. The [[spider]] [[monkey]] can use its prehensile tail as an extra hand at times of laziness. [[Possum]]s have prehensile tails so they can hang upside-down (why possums hang upside-down? I have no idea).
 
 
Last and least, there are ''really'' short, stubby tails with absolutely no purpose, though animals with these stubs have ways to make up for it. For instance, [[rabbit]]s have very small tails that look more like freakin' cottonballs, but they make up for it in three ways: Their ridiculously long ears, their super cuteness powers, and their tendency to eat your soul.
 
 
====Tail Types====
 
*Bushy tails
 
*Prehensile tails
 
*Tail fins/flukes
 
*Curly tails (for pigs only)
 
*Tails that can knock you over and break your leg
 
*Tails that are used as weapons
 
*Scorpion tails that stab things
 
*Tail feathers
 
*Stubby tails that are absolutely useless
 
   
 
== Why humans don't have tails ==
 
== Why humans don't have tails ==
[[Humans]] have wondered for years why THEY don't have tails like animals. Now, here's the answer. [[Science]] has shown a number of theories of how animals lost their tails and evolved into humans.
+
[[Humans]] have wondered for years why humans don't have tails like animals. [[Science]] has shown a number of theories of how animals lost their tails and evolved into humans. The most popular misconception is that humans evolved from [[monkeys]]. We know now that the person who came up with this was indeed on crack. The truth is that monkeys evolved from birds.
   
It has been said that humans evolved from monkeys. This was probably because they were [[drunk]].
+
Recent studies show that humans evolved from [[mermaids]], who were notorious for tail-slapping scuba divers in the face. As punishment for their crimes against the other gender, [[Mother Nature]] turned their fish tails into legs and forced them to walk on land, providing them with problems such as leg cramps and persistent shaving. Those that kept their tails instead developed blubber, lost their ability of speech, and became manatees.
   
Recent studies now show that humans may have evolved from [[mermaids]]. Mermaids were notorious for slapping [[scuba]] divers in the face with their fish tails. As a result, some mermaids evolved into humans when their tails turned into legs. Others grew white fur and became [[seal]]s. Early human females were known to infatuate males by brushing their big bushy tails in their faces. Today human females no longer have big bushy tails, but a slap in the [[ass]] works just as well. Others were extremely fat animals who were too lazy to use their tails and/or squashed them upon sitting down. Those animals evolved to become [[Fat People]].
+
Today it is quite rare to find a tailed human, most of which being young [[kid]]s. At an older age, girls lose their tails, causing their behinds to become round and sexy as a result. Boys keep their tails until an evolutionary change in which they turn into [[dick]]s.
+
[[image:Ath.jpg|thumb|'''Tail boner:''' That's why humans don't have tails.]]
Today, humans with tails are very rare, most of them are young [[kid]]s. At an older age, the girls lose their tails, causing their butts to grow round and sexy as a result. Boys keep their tails until an evolutionary change which causes the tails to turn into [[dick]]s.
 
[[image:Ath.jpg|thumb|right|'''Tail boner:''' That's why humans don't have tails.]]
 
   
 
==== Other animals without tails ====
 
==== Other animals without tails ====
Line 27: Line 27:
 
*[[Baby]] [[clown]]s
 
*[[Baby]] [[clown]]s
 
*{{fakelink|Manx cat}}
 
*{{fakelink|Manx cat}}
*[[George W. Bush]]
 
 
*[[You]]
 
*[[You]]
   
== Trivia ==
+
== Did you know? ==
   
 
*Having a ponytail does not give you an actual tail.
 
*Having a ponytail does not give you an actual tail.
   
*[[Pin the Tail on the Donkey]] was created when [[some guy]] used a nail and hammer to attach a [[donkey]]'s tail to his ass, killing himself. Now we use pictures and blindfolds instead.
+
*The classic party game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, was first conceived when a drunk guy died nailing a donkey's tail to his ass.
   
 
*If someone farts when you pull his finger, consider what happens when you pull an animal's tail.
 
*If someone farts when you pull his finger, consider what happens when you pull an animal's tail.
   
*If your [[dog]] chases its tail, that means it has no life. Make sure it does NOT catch it. You don't want to know what happens if it does.
+
*If your [[dog]] chases its tail, that means it has no life or friends. You don't want to know what happens if it catches its tail.
 
*Don't step on the little [[kitty]]'s tail.
 
   
*Hey, [[Pokemon|Charizard]]! Your tail's on fire!
+
*[[Pokemon|Charizard]] has yet to realize his tail is on fire, otherwise he would be in excruciating pain.
   
 
*A [[gerbil]] without a tail is called a [[hamster]].
 
*A [[gerbil]] without a tail is called a [[hamster]].
Line 47: Line 46:
   
 
== Other things humans don't have ==
 
== Other things humans don't have ==
*[[Wings]]
+
[[File:Tailless tails.png|thumb|right|Tails occasionally come in handy for naming purposes.]]
  +
*[[Wingman|Wings]]
   
 
*[[Bird|Feathers]]
 
*[[Bird|Feathers]]

Latest revision as of 23:53, October 21, 2015

Dog-kuso180

Not that kind of tail, dumbass!!

“Hey, my dog has one of those.”
~ Captain Obvious upon reading this article

The tail is an arm growing out of the rear end of an animal's body. In general, the term refers to a distinct, flexible appendage to the torso. Tails can come in different forms and serve various functions, from flaming tails and useless flab-of-skin tails. About 90% of all animals have tails while only about 20% of humans have tails.

edit Evolution of Tails

Childrenhavetails

All children are born with tails.

While tails come in all shapes and sizes, the vast majority of animals use them for balance, and would constantly be falling over otherwise. At least 50 billion years ago, dinosaurs suffered at the hands of their natural predators because guns weren't invented yet. Thanks to the miraculous power of evolution, they would grow tails which later developed spikes and clubs, all efficient weapons that these tiny-brained beasts can actually comprehend.

Common tail types include bushy, prehensile, ring-tailed, pony tails, cotton tails and duck tails. Then there are those tails which appear to possess magical powers, like the kind that regenerates after being cut off. Certain animals have the unique ability to fly by using their tails as propellers. Curly tails, such as those shown in pigs, have no clear function, although a team of drop-outs from Oxford University believe they can produce miniature tornadoes as defense against hungry butchers.

Last and least, there are really short, stubby tails which provide absolutely no purpose. Animals with such unfortunate stubs often have other ways to make up for it. The rabbit, for instance, has what looks more like a cotton ball attached to its butt. What makes the rabbit so special are its ridiculously long ears and irresistible cuteness capable of stealing your soul.

edit Why humans don't have tails

Humans have wondered for years why humans don't have tails like animals. Science has shown a number of theories of how animals lost their tails and evolved into humans. The most popular misconception is that humans evolved from monkeys. We know now that the person who came up with this was indeed on crack. The truth is that monkeys evolved from birds.

Recent studies show that humans evolved from mermaids, who were notorious for tail-slapping scuba divers in the face. As punishment for their crimes against the other gender, Mother Nature turned their fish tails into legs and forced them to walk on land, providing them with problems such as leg cramps and persistent shaving. Those that kept their tails instead developed blubber, lost their ability of speech, and became manatees.

Today it is quite rare to find a tailed human, most of which being young kids. At an older age, girls lose their tails, causing their behinds to become round and sexy as a result. Boys keep their tails until an evolutionary change in which they turn into dicks.

Ath

Tail boner: That's why humans don't have tails.

edit Other animals without tails

edit Did you know?

  • Having a ponytail does not give you an actual tail.
  • The classic party game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, was first conceived when a drunk guy died nailing a donkey's tail to his ass.
  • If someone farts when you pull his finger, consider what happens when you pull an animal's tail.
  • If your dog chases its tail, that means it has no life or friends. You don't want to know what happens if it catches its tail.
  • Charizard has yet to realize his tail is on fire, otherwise he would be in excruciating pain.
  • Approximately 99% of all the people who read this article don't have tails.

edit Other things humans don't have

Tailless tails

Tails occasionally come in handy for naming purposes.

Personal tools
projects