Taco
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A taco is a traditional American food based on a variation of a dish from the Moon, usually consisting of an inanimate object wrapped in a corn-based shell. Tacos are the reason for existence, humanity, earth, science, and science again.
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[edit] Origins
Since the dawn of time, hunger has always existed... and the thing that solved this plague...THE TACO! The taco was a gift from the Gods of Asgard...this foreign object is claimed to be made by the mexicans...BUT THIS IS A LIE! (as well as the cake). The Gods soon realized that the humans were not worthy of this GODLY creation of "the taco" and fought an all out war to take it back. All hope was seemed to be lost for the humans, for it seemed the Gods were on the verge of taking the tacos back. But, when all hope seemed lost...a man fell from the sky and defeated the evil Gods of Asgard...This man is who we know today as Chuck Norris. Today, people still believe the taco to be from Mexico, this is a rumor spreaded from the Japanican race (similar things include the creation of the Great Wall of China and the birth of Hitler). So now, when you eat a taco THINK ABOUT ALL THE TROUBLE that humanity went through to maintain this thing we call now as "the taco"...
[edit] Crossing the CAKE
The first taco in the United States was actually recorded by an immigration official on June 9, 1982, finding some in the backpack of a suspected illegal immigrant. Then on June 10, 1982, the first Taco Bell appeared in Tacoland, Alaska. Here Sarah Palin personally tried to defeat the Taco Bell to defend her native city ChocoTaco. But to no avail. She was eaten by a Volcano Taco TM (89 cents on the Why Pay More! TM Menu)shorty after losing the 2008 election. The American version of the taco featured a harder shell, a huge load of grease, cheese processed to hell and back, mildly rotten lettuce, and rat droppings (for flavor). God once visited taco bell, and after he took the first bite, a angel named Lusifer came along and consumed the remaining taco. God said, and I quote, "OMFG WTF Fokin STOOPID HAX0R N00B GET DA FOK OUTA HERE AND EAT YOUR OWN TACO YOU COKHEADED HASPANIC JEWISH POOSYFART WHO IZ A FOKIN MOMAZ BOIII!" and casted Lusifer to be forever danmed as The Lord of Darkness in a little place called Hell, where he would be shunned and was was forever doomed to be banned of his tacos, house, money, and run-on sentences. PS. Note ronald regan's hairy cheese wiener.
[edit] Recipes
In reality just about anything can be stuffed into a taco shell, then consumed. Below are a few sample recipes:
Traditional
- 20 pounds top sirloin STAKE, dont eat if you are a vampire
- 192 cups of lard
- 10 corn tortillas
- 1 medium onion, diced, 180 fresh habanero peppers
- 2 girls, 1 cup
- 4 limes, 1 bunch fresh cilantro
this is also a healthy alternative to fat lards like you 1. Mix shredded sirloin with limes, onion and cilantro, let marinade sit for 120 days.
2. Warm lard in a large skillet, pour it over your naked smexy body.
3. Place tortillas on a plate, then wrap with marinated sirloin shreds. Let stand for several days. Serve and eat as many habanero peppers as you can stand, then do everything within your power to consume 20 more. Repeat until you pass out.
- 10000 pounds of fresh asian meat filets
- 1 5 by 5 foot corn tortilla
- 5 ripe julienned avocados
- 1 cabbage head and 4 cups tomato salsa
1. Put the 4 cups of tomato salsa in a medium saucepan and boil.
2. Mix cabbage and avocado shreds, drop the mixture into the boiling tomato sauce.
3. Toss the tortilla on the floor and throw the 20 lbs of raw fish on it, then wrap the fish with the tortilla.
4. Place the saucepan of boiled tomato sauce/avocado/cabbage into the microwave and heat it for 40 minutes, turning it over at the 20 minute mark
5. Unplug microwave and walk over to the fish taco. Open the microwave door and splash the taco with the boiled tomato sauce/avocado/cabbage.
6. Remove the medium saucepan and consume. For best results, eat off the floor.
Chicken
- 5 pounds of chicken breast
- 4 gallons of condensed cream
- 300 corn tortillas
- A single strand of Barack Obama's pubic hair
- 2 sticks of dynamite
1. In your backyard, mix the sticks of dynamite, pubic hair, and the five pounds of chicken. Place mixture on the floor of your backyard, ignite dynamite and blow chicken up.
2. Climb on the roof of your house.
3. Throw the 300 corn tortillas onto your backyard, trying to cover each piece of of the detonated chicken, while at the same time trying to create a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. Drink the 4 gallons of condensed cream (this may take several hours).
Hell(AKA Death)
- 7000 Gallons of rat poison
- 2 Anti matter warheads
- 1 Corn tortilla
- A Open field
- 7000 lb of ground beef from cows with mad cow disease
- 1 Drunk Britney Spears
1: Go out into an open field spreading the ground beef on the ground until you have a crust about 10 inches thick over a 500 meter radius.
2: Drizle rat poison on ground beef covered field until saturated.
3: Climb up on top of house with a flamethrower and 2 anti matter warheads. set them up on the house facing the field. light fuse and run away.
4: If somehow you survive around 1/3 of the earth being obliterated go back to the field and pick up the charred radioactive meat,
5: Stick in tortilla and enjoy!
Pink
- 10 pounds of cock
- 1 or more tacos (pink)
1. Insert cock into taco.
2. Thrust.
3. Repeat until cock is white.
4. place in your asshole
Bambi's Fun Time Tricky Tacos
- 75 pounds of 'Sleeping' deer
- Hunting Gun w/ ammo
1. Go to nearest 'Happy Forest'
2. With Hunting Gun in hand gently fire a 'Sleep Time Pellet' Into a deer
3. Drag 'Sleeping Deer home'
4. Skin it and Take Gooey Marshmellows out.
5. Deep Fry at 700Degrees F
6. Shape the Skin
7. Fill skin with Happy Meat and enjoy!
vegatrean
- 2 pounds vegatrean meat
- 5 barrels of oil for marinade
- 4 taco shells
Mix and serve!
Matt's Tortilla
1. (over nine thousand!) 9001 liters of nitroglycerin
2. 300 Spartans
3. salt to taste
4. taco shell
mix all ingredients (except taco shell) together in a CASSEROLE dish, cook at 9999999999999° Celsius for 65 years get the hell to china return when cooking is done and scoop into taco shell
Los Tacos del Dolor
1. 1 lb of lean ground hamburger
2. 1 bag of shredded Mexican blend cheese
3. 1 tbs of chili powder
4. 1 tsp of garlic/onion powder
5. 1/2 head of shredded lettuce
6. 3 Soggy Bottom Boys (or bluesmen, if in season)
7. Salt/pepper to taste (orphan tears follow the recipe more closely, but may be difficult to obtain legally)
8. The mourning souls of the forgotten ghost town of Sanchez (often found in the Latino aisle at Walmart)
9. The lamentations of your ancient ancestors
10. Sour cream
11. Taco shells
Begin by browning the hamburger meat in a large skillet on medium heat. Add the chili powder and onion/garlic mix whilst weeping like a child. Once the meat is thoroughly cooked, have the Soggy Bottom Boys bless it with their gift of song. This will ensure that the meat realizes the suffering of man in his search for love. Next, place the meat in a mixing bowl and add the souls and lamentations. Lamentations must be mixed well or they will become lumpy. A food processor helps with this step, but in a pinch, a SlapChop will do.
Once the meat is ready, place it in the taco shells and add the cheese, lettuce, and sour cream in whatever portions you desire. It won't matter, though... Now the damage is done. After the first bite, you will feel neither pleasure nor satisfaction. There is only pain. Delicious, spicy pain and sorrow. Weep, mortal, and eat Los Tacos del Dolor. Feel the futility of humanity's purpose and cry out against your station. Wallow in the filth of your existence and join in the collective sorrow of the lost souls of Sanchez. Eat their pain. Feel their loss.
Serves 4.
