Tabasco

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Origin and History

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tabasco.

Tabasco sauce is a hot sauce that was originally developed in Hell by a demon of the 2nd caste level (although, this is somewhat inconclusive, because little is known about Hell's caste system and scientists that have journeyed there have returned with third-degree burns on their jugular and spiked dildos in their rectum). Tabasco's spicyness level has been known to reach up to 73,000sf (soul fires) or German 136,000mb (mensch brennt). The sauce was apparently too spicy for Satan to handle, and after severe rapage of the demon who spawned it, Satan sent the Tabasco to Earth, where it slowly replicated itself into many forms and spread all over the world (the most well-known form of course is the simple bottled sauce form). Archaeologists such as Daniel Jackson have revealed that Tabasco was used as far back as ancient Persia, where it was used by the Prince of Persia (his real name is unknown) giving him unnatural acrobatic abilities and allowing him to survive very long falls. It is also known that Tabasco was used as an aphrodisiac by Spartan soldiers. Tabasco was no-doubt involved in causing World WarI (not World War 1 [which occurred after World War Z]) and was somehow mixed with the sperm of Hitler's father, as well as many other villains throughout history.

Tabasco destruction3

A taste of Tabasco's destructive potential is seen here in 2005 when a large portion of the Pegasus galaxy was annihilated

The military has no-doubt noticed the potential power of Tabasco over the past century, and has tried numerous times to harness its awesome power. The first attempt was in the 1920s, and resulted in the Great Depression, and in recent years, the government has done studies on Tabasco deep in Area 5-1 (not Area 51 which is old and boring and less secret...seriously, try and look up Area 5-1, you won't find anything I promise, and if you do find something let me know because that website will need to be destroyed so that this will remain vallid), the studies resulted in the deaths of many alien scientists with cool names as well as many human scientist with messy hair and lazy eyes. In a public interview about this top-secret matter with a General in control of the operation, a reporter asked if a weapon using Tabasco could be as powerful as nuclear weapons, and before trailing off into an incoherent babble, the General replied: "It would make the A bomb look like a dead racoon...". Examples of the power of Tabasco can be seen in events such as the "Tunguska Event", the destruction of Atlantis, God's temporary imprisonment in the year of 2007, and the time when the aroma of Tabasco melted one of the great crystal skulls, thus destroying both, the records of Atlantis' last years, and humanity's chance for salvation and enlightenment.


Tabasco Today

Despite Tabasco's destructive capabilities, there are actually those insane enough to eat it after going through extreme measures to escape a lunatic asylum. It is not fully understood though, why they do this, seeing as how it contains NO nutrients, and renders your tongue useless for life, results in the deaths of thousands of babies, and has been known to cause tiny black holes within ones brain, and recent studies have found that Tabasco can cause dangerous paradoxes, such as a car suddenly driving at negative 10mph without warning, causing time to explode. The only ones who have actually used Tabasco as food and AREN'T crazy, and also lived, are ninjas, and a large immortal beast sometimes referred to as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold tabasco

Here Arnold Schwarzenegger is seen intimidating his opponents at a meeting in California with a show of his unnatural tolerance for heat (and pretty much everything else)

There are many negative qualities about Tabasco, however, there are also some things about it that can be of advantage to society:

1. Tabasco can be used to clear mountains and forests for roadways and casinos, as well as clearing away annoying third-world nations to make way for go-cart tracks and lazer-tag arenas.

2. Tabasco can be utilized to rid the world of stupid people. For example, a civilian-run program (sometimes referred to as the NID) has been funding Toyota to equip it's vehicles with Tabasco-based weaponry that will disintegrate drivers who do not use turn signals.

3. As a small but growing number of people know, Myspace will absorb all it's users' souls in the year 2012 (although it is not yet known what it is going to do with these souls; some have theorized it will use them to take over the entire internet within six years) and Tabasco is the only known substance (aside from very large quantities of bear milk) that can be utilized to save one's soul from Myspace.

4. Because of Tabasco's connection with Hell, it can be used to detect demons and evil spirits, as well as warn men when their girlfriend's/wife's period is near.


Varieties

Tabasco varieties

Here are most of the types of Tabasco

There are many different species of Tabasco, the most common of which are seen in the picture here. Tabasco ranges widely in size, color, spicyness, and habitat. The most common and most well-known of course is the standard original kind which has a redish color to it and typically has the standard label with a white background and red and green lettering. It is red because the Devil wanted people to know that it came from Hell.

The second most common types are the green Tabasco and the Chipotle Tabasco. The green is very similar to the standard original kind except, it is much milder and less deadly; there is little need to fear the green Tabasco, they are normally only used as distractions or decoys (which is why the Devil decided to use green). However, they tend to dwell on high shelves and have been known to fall onto people's heads. The Chipotle variety is typically a brown color and has a label that is white and brown, and it's spicyness level is similar to that of the original.

The Habanero variety is a redish brown color with a label that is yellow and red, and note that this species is not intimadated by anything and is very aggresive, and pretty much the only thing keeping them from becoming the dominant species is their insufficient numbers.

A rare and little-known species is the Garlic pepper variety; it's color ranges from orange to red, and typically has a tan-colored label with green and orange lettering...not much is known of this variety, but it is believed to have three different kinds of peppers mixed in it's contents.

There is a fairly new evolution of Tabasco called Sweet & Spicy, and because it is the newest variety, little is known about it; it has a deep red color (the redest of all of them) and a label with red lettering, and it is very elusive. Most scientists, because of the name, have deemed the Sweet & Spicy variety not to be much of a threat, but other scientists disagree and claim that if they are in large numbers they could do a lot of damage.

Another common variety is the tiny bottle kind; these are simply smaller and less mature versions of the larger standard bottles, thus they retain the same colors, and they tend to dwell most commonly in military MREs, and note that because of their small size, they cannot be spotted easily.

The smallest known type of Tabasco is the sauce-packet variety; it may be small and contain only a minute amount of Tabasco, but this does not mean they are harmless: they have sharp edges which can easily slice one's toungue, lip, or cheek open, and they can also be twisted on one end then thrown as a projectile weapon which will explode on contact releasing it's contents onto the victim's face. The packet variety is also known to dwell most commonly with a standard bottle within it's box, and because of the packet's small size it usually goes unnoticed (BEWARE OF OPENING BOXES OF TABASCO THAT MAY CONTAIN ELUSIVE PACKETS).

The last type to discuss is the large bottle variety; they can be up to seven times larger than the standard bottles, they of course contain very large amounts of Tabasco, and because they are made of glass they can crack easily spilling out their contents across the ground. This variety is very rare and almost nothing is known about it's habitat or behavior. Some scientists theorize that these large bottles are bred for only one purpose, and that is to be kamikazees and are made to be cracked when near an enemy (humans)...this species may be rare, but they are extremely dangerous so stay clear of them if you ever encounter one.

Tabasco In The Future

If the world is still around in the future, then Tabasco will most likely be used to power large warships used for transporting soldiers and cargo and combating insect aliens (we will surely have developed a safe way of using Tabasco for energy by then, one that doesn't allow so many babies to live).

There are three main possibilities for the human race in the future:

1. The human race may have adapted to the point where the average human can consume Tabasco for sustenance, thus humans and Tabasco live in perfect harmony.

2. Tabasco will integrate itself into the human DNA and take over our world as parasitic human-tabasco hybrid organisms (PHTHO).

3. Tabasco will have completely annihilated the human race and replace us with a new kind of semi-intelligent beasts composed of Tabasco and possibly badger blood.

Human tabasco hybrid

The human-Tabasco hybrid creatures will look something like this

Protecting Yourself From Tabasco

When the apocalypse comes, you will need to do all you can to protect yourself from Tabasco (Tabasco will not be your only worry though, as there will also of course be hordes of cannabalistic zombies, numerous demons, Goa'uld, giant mermaid-scorpions, giants, evil ninjas, regular ninjas, squads of Marines infected with "Las Plagas", Flood infestations, contestants of American Idol, and Priors of the Ori). If you encounter Tabasco in any form other than the bottled sauce form, then there is no hope at all for you to defend yourself and you will be better-off jumping into a nearby crowd of zombies. However, if that is the kind you encounter, here are a few tips:

1. You can attempt to outrun the bottle, as bottles do not normally run fast...however, they are very skilled at rolling quickly down steep inclines

2. DO NOT throw anything at the bottle, as it is likely to rupture and spray it's deadly contents onto your flesh, resulting in 7th degree burns

3. Make NO sudden movements, because it may startle someone nearby who is already in panic mode and they could throw the bottle at you.

4. DO NOT stand still, as Tabasco's eyesight is based on negative movement.

5. You can try drinking some "Powerthirst" (preferably the Shockolate Rocket Edition).

6. If you happen to have either a Bigfoot couple, a hair of Arnold Schwarzenegger, or another bottle of Tabasco with you, then quickly throw the item(s) at the other bottle as they will cancel out...but beware, a reverse black hole could be created which would throw you either to the Azgard homeworld or Mr. Smyth's class. Tabasco encounter

7. If you plan on hiding out in your home, then you should board up your house, NOT with wooden 2x4s, as these will only protect against some zombies, but board up your doors and windows with bad high school memories to ward off Tabasco...BUT, note that this is only a deterrent and will merely discourage the Tabasco from coming near you. It does not guarantee protection.

8. If possible, join a heavy metal band, as heavy metal is one of the few things that is actually composed partially of Tabasco and is feared by it.

9. Also if possible, seek the aid of Rammstein (note that only their live music will have any affect, playing their music from an electronic device will most likely only infuriate the Tabasco).

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