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Can't get enough of Entertainment Tonight? Then watch this!... then kill yourself.
Format Celebrity News & Gobshite
Created by John Tesh
Theme music composer John Tesh
Language(s) Translations into
John Tesh
Running time Approx. 25 minutes
Distributor FOX Network & John Tesh
Picture format Visible on John Tesh's chin.
Status Still running, unfortunately.

TMZ is a celebrity news & gossip show that was created by John Tesh in 2005. It was created out of revenge by John after Entertainment Tonight where so desperate for ratings, they aired some untruthful stories about him in 2002. E.T claimed John fell on hard times, and committing suicide. Giving E.T the chance to broadcast slow motion clips of John smiling and pretending to give a crap about the news he was presenting, like what Nicole Kidman was wearing next Tuesday where she will be attending a Tupperware party, followed by the exclusive E.T interview with the limp wristed doughnut puncher who designed and created the dress. The truth was revealed on TMZ in October of 2005 in their first episode about E.T's scam to run a fake story on John's death, but like today's TMZ viewer ratings, no one saw it, and still assume John Tesh is deceased. TMZ still runs today, due to John having made so much money in an exclusive and heartfelt story that will be told, right after this short break.

edit How TMZ was created

John Tesh2

John Tesh - Before the shooting accident.

John Tesh

John Tesh - After the shooting accident.

edit John is Framed

In 1999, John Tesh stepped down his position as co-anchor of Entertainment Tonight to pursue a stand-up-pianist act in Las Vegas. He was given a 19 year deal to play cabaret shows at the Squat & Gobble Motor Inn. Johns new venture was going along very well up until 8 months into his contract. On November 9th, E.T ran an exclusive, never before seen, story on John Tesh that claimed he fell on hard times in his new venture, and committed suicide. E.T claimed that John had become addicted to drugs and alcohol as well as having been photographed paying an underage fat girl from the Moscow Circus for sexual favors. The photos showed superimposed pictures of Johns face taking the underage fat girl from behind, and holding onto the handle of the bucket that he had placed over her head.

With reports of Johns untimely death, his wife took ownership of all of Johns money and assets, believing he was now dead. John had no knowledge of this event taking place just yet, and was quite surprised when he showed up for work the next day, and his boss and manager became distraught and terrified to see John walk in hungover and stumbling up to them. His boss then screamed his lungs out, yelling, "Oh My God, John is a zombie" and ran to the back of the bar to grab his 12 gauge shotgun. John had no idea what this was all about, but he knew to hot foot it out of there, and not try and ask questions to a screaming Porterican blasting away shots that where merely missing Johns head by a few centimeters.

John ran for his life out of that bar, and returned to his home residence to see his wife. When he opened the door, he found his wife had turned the lounge room couch into a fortress, with sandbags laying around it and a few rolls of barbed wire. She had a rifle pointed at John and she too began opening fire on him screaming, "Your manager told me you where a zombie, you leave us and the kids alone and go back to hell where you belong". As John began to flee from the house, he copped a bullet to the face courtesy of now ex-wife's rifle.

edit Johns a New Man

John was treated at the Hollywood E.R where surgeons had to preform emergency plastic surgery on his face. 6 weeks later John escaped hospital, after the surgery had been done, but no one knew who he was, having not been able to recognize him due to having half his face blown off, and that E.T had hired some hitmen for hire to sneak into the surgery room and remove John's finger prints and his teeth so that no one would be able to identify him.

John fled the bills of the hospital, and went seeking out what the hell was going on? He discovered E.T had ran a fake story on him just to gain some ratings, and this pissed John off immensely. John thought about calling up the producers of E.T and his old co-anchors and saying, "Hey, what the fuck, man?"... but John thought it was best to stay off radar, and get revenge in his own special way. He was going to take on E.T head to head with his own version of the show. But first, he would need to raise the cash to finance such a show.

edit John creates TMZ

John turned to the streets of Hollywood Boulevard where he posed as a homosexual male prostitute. Day and night, John sacrificed his own ass just to earn a few measly bucks. But this did not phase John, as he was 100% focused on revenge... plus, blowing guys for money was a clever way to always have something warm in your stomach! No need to buy food or drinks! It was a grueling 9 months on the road, back alleyway's and backseats of done up Pimp My Ride cars, but finally John had enough money to kick-start his new show he was to call TMZ.

edit The beginning of TMZ


Typcial TMZ exclusive; looks a lot like Entertainmentless Tonight's kind of "exclusive", but don't be fooled, TMZ use red boxes to highlight words on their crap!

John found his way into the offices of FOX studios and laid down his idea to the head programmer. The idea was to create a show that would rival E.T. Bringing all of the latest celebrity news and gossip, before E.T does. The leader of FOX told John this sounded like a crap idea, no one even watched E.T, so why would they give a left monkey nut about this show? Or a right monkey nut for that matter. John continued to insist that the show would work.

The FOX dictator was hesitant at everything John laid out. But John's luck would soon change, as he noticed behind the FOX leaders chair on the wall was a poster of Head Of The Class with signatures of the entire cast ... even Billy Connolly's! John then had a wild idea that would sweep this hesitant lard-ass off his feet. He said the show would be like Head of the Class, only the students are journalists who sit in a classroom, and tell the editor, who is the teacher, about what celebrity news they have heard, and they all act like it's the greatest thing they have ever heard in their life.

This idea sounds like the biggest piece of shit of all time, but hey, John was now back in business as producer and writer of his new E.T rival show... TMZ.

edit What is TMZ an acronym of?

The closest we could discover to this is a few other acronyms. Starting with the strongest of "FIWK" which stands for "Fucked If We Know". As well as second runner up, "DILLIGAF" (Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?). It's a real head scratcher as to what TMZ actually mean, but we tend to lean towards the previous two as answers when asked.

Internet sources reveal that TMZ is an acronym of Celebrity News. Which makes us wonder if the internet is being overrun with retards, John Tesh lost some of his intelligence during that bullet to the face ordeal, or it's possibly a Latin translation of "Celebrity News" translated by an inbred mouse by the name of Pinky which he translated as "Totally Moronic, Zoink.

edit TMZ the show

Did you know...
TMZ has cared more times about showing the same exclusive pictures of Britney's worn out beaver then <insert name here> has ever been laid?

TMZ now broadcasts on FOX's Who Gives A Rats Ass Thursdays, at precisely the same time as E.T. The shows first episode ran a feature story on John Tesh being set-up by E.T and framed as being dead. The show managed to rate as well as any E.T broadcast, meaning it was out-rated by re-runs of The Beverly Hillbillies every single time. But this does not phase John Tesh, as he still believes he is out-doing the corny made up stories of E.T, and presenting the people of the world who know no better then to get-a-life, with useless celebrity gossip before Mary Hart can pretend she gives a shit when she reads it out on Johns old show.

edit The Stars of TMZ

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about TMZ.

Much like watching TMZ, Entertainment Tonight or even E! News, the stars of this show are not just the dimwit wannabe journalists or failed actors with a resume consisting of "smiles and lies well" that no one knows the names of. Nor, as you would beleive, is it a retards need to know what Johnny Depp is doing in between Pirates of the Caribbean sequels information. No, the stars of this show, are the retarded network executives who keep the show airing, as a pitiful and painful way of saying, "You idiots bought into "Survivor", "Big Brother", "Deal or No Deal", "My Kitchen Rules" and "Full House"... now suffer the consequences as we earn more money for ourselves by giving you cheaply made crap that we pass off as entertainment for you dimwitted, inbred, retarded, Twitter using, mindless, dumb-fuck, possessors of an extremely low IQ, dick-headed, stars on the ass of life, fuckless-wonders of the universe, fuck-wadded, shit-talking, anal-avenging, cocksuckers". Once Texas hears of this, they are sure to resort to all gun's-a-blazing violent retaliation, and put an end to TMZ for good. Until then, this shitty show will remain on air as long as John Tesh continues to bring in enough income provided by his other job on the side, which is still located on the sidewalks of Hollywood Boulevard. Tune into TMZ to find out where John will be appearing next and how much his standard services are.

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TMZ is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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