لجمهورية العربية السورية
Syrian Anal Republic
|Motto: Support the Alawis, for tomorrow you'll get a visit from the Muhabarat|
|Anthem: Guardians of the homeland|
|Capital||Damascus, Beirut when it's too hot|
|From France: 1946|
From Soviet Union: 1991
From Assad family? Never!
Syria is a magnificent, beautiful land in the Middle East. It comprises everything from barren mountain ranges and barren coastlines to barren deserts. Syria is also rich in culture, with a history that stretches back several thousand years. Despite being in the Middle East, Syria is completely devoid of either terrorism or weapons of mass destruction.
What's left of the people in Syria are known as the Syrians. They are dangerous but well-educated, and feared around the world, according to state TV. All Syrians must make an annual pilgrimage, either to the Israeli border to jeer at the Zionist enemy, or to Beirut to ensure the locals remember to pay the rent.
The population is mainly Sunni Muslims and Christian orthodox. When not conducting target practice on the Sunni population, minorities such as Shiites, Jews and Palestinians are kept under close vigilance by the humane Muhabarat (secret police).
The official name of the country is the Syrian Anal Republic (الجمهورية العربية السورية). This provides a vital distinction from the Syrian Eskimo Republic and, of course, the Syrian Republic of Swedish People.
The leader of Syria is the President-for-Life. He serves a seven-year term, at the end of which the people are required to re-elect him, provided the President-for-Life is still alive. If not, his son becomes President-for-Life, except that if he does not meet the constitutional requirements, the constitution is hastily amended so that he will. The President-for-Life is required to be an Alawi Muslim and to have taken a regular Baath. If he is also called Assad, that helps too. The current President Assad trained as an optician in London but his own democratic myopia stubbornly resists treatment. Assad progressed from a doe-eyed outsider to a ruthless boss rather more quickly than Michael Corleone in The Godfather. To ensure fairness toward all sectors of the population, the government has appointed one minority to look after the rest of the people: the Alawis, a heavily armed group that resides in the presidential palace in Damascus.
Syria is highly non-democratic because all political parties are under control by the small sector of Alawi. However, all of these diverse political groupings have to recognise the eternal overall leadership of the Ba'ath Party, as well as the shiny gun barrel pointed at their heads when they "debate" policy in the Parliament.
Syria provides univeral suffrage. And as well as suff'ring, women can vote too. Syrian women do have rights; it is the men who lack rights. Science tells us that Syrian women are more manly than most of the country's men. President Assad's wife, Asthma (named after the common chronic inflammatory disease of the airways), is the real leader of the country and has worn the ceremonial moustache for a number of military parades when her husband stayed home with a runny nose.
In the past, Syria prospered as a client state of the former Soviet Union, which supplied not only food aid but rocket aid, professional help aiming the rockets toward Israel, and expert advice on when to push the big red buttons.
Since the fall of its former patron, Syria's economy is in terrible shape, its markets falling almost as steeply as its airplanes.
Culture and religion
Syria's culture is colorful, as when in the winter the entire country celebrates the freedom of religious minorities by rounding them up and executing every third individual. Enthusiasm for this festival seems to correlate with the winning percentage of Real Madrid.
Like most Middle Eastern countries, Syria's majority Islamic population cares for the Jewish and Druze minorities and takes heed of the differences separating them, wishing a happy life to those who share the soil of their wonderful land. The country also has many historical antiquities which are cared for until they fall down and are replaced with apartments put up cheaply with quick-dry cement. That gives all the cities that romantic, dust-grey hue as the buildings start to merge vertically with the landscape.
Evidence of the first European imperialists, with their Crusader castles, dots the countryside. Syrians so admired the sturdy construction of these infidel buildings that they are still using them 800 years later. The most famous one is Crac des Chevaliers, the former home of the smack-headed Knights Hospitaller. Tourists come here to smoke the weed that grows nearby and experience the same mental haze experienced by the Crusaders.
Syria borders five countries:
- The one with the large army we don't dare fuck with
- The one with the large desert it's not worth bothering with
- The one with the nonexistent army we fuck over on a regular basis
- The one with the hordes of Jews who fucked us in the past, and
- The one the Americans fucked up so throughly it's not worth fucking with anymore.
Syria has many friends in Iran. It would have even more friends outside Iran except for Zionist propaganda that Syria has given free bus passes to terrorists. Syria has only one eternal enemy, Israel. Since Israel occupies the Gollum Heights, the annual War of Lower Middle East has been suspended for some years in a row about cheating. Syria hopes to return to the game in the near future alongside a new adjudicator.
The Armed Forces of Syria consist of 400,000 big people, with big guns, with orders to shoot any approaching civilian or hostile force on sight. Except Iran. They will not fire at Iran. The Syrian military is loaded with AK-47s and gas masks, just in case. Bunkers are established all around the country, which means there are places to hide in response to any conceivable defense challenge.
|Middle East Countries|
|Bahrain | Cyprus | Egypt | Iraq | Iran | Israel/Palestine | Jordan | Kuwait | Lebanon | Oman | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | Turkey | United Arab Emirates | Yemen | The United States of Arabia|