From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sylvia Browne (born Sylvia Celeste Shoecrapper on October 19, 1936 in Kansas City, Missouri) is a prominent American fraudster noted for cranking out books faster than a rabbit cranks out turds. She has made several appearances on The Montel Williams Show and Larry King Live, where she has been mercilessly grilled by the highly intelligent and skeptical hosts.
Sylvia is watching you jerk off. She knows what you're up to under the desk. Although she pretends not to like it, she's secretly enjoying it. She'd like you to do it a little faster and possibly introduce an egg beater into the act.
edit Early life
Sylvia Browne was aware of her psychic abilities at an early age; her first words accurately predicted the death of John D. Rockefeller two months
before after the infamous billionaire died at the age of 98 in 1937. She followed that up with the eerie prediction that the motion picture Gone With the Wind was going to be "very popular."
Browne discovered early on that the heavy consumption of cigarettes and rotgut whiskey aided her in making psychic predictions. She believes that these substances help her to see clearly into the "spirit realm"; she also believes it makes her an excellent dancer and a top-flight driver. To this day, Ms. Browne makes most of her predictions under the influence of alcohol while relaxing in a bath tub filled with the tears of children.
edit The Kennedy Assassination
On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, Texas. While Browne did not predict the assassination, she did accurately predict that Kennedy would wear a suit on November 22. She also predicted that the President would ride in a car "at some point during the course of the day." Most striking of all, she stated that there was someone in JFK's past whose name started with an M, someone who had recently "departed this realm" and "might have been either a male or a female." Skeptics have been unable to find a rational explanation for this startling vision of either Marilyn Monroe or somebody else Kennedy knew whose name started with an M.
edit The 9-11 Attacks
Although Browne did not predict the terrorist attacks on the United States on 9-11-01, she did accurately predict on 9-10-01 that "someone will die tomorrow" and that "it will make someone sad." She also made mention of "a person, male or female, with a vowel in his or her name." Was this a reference to Osama bin Laden?
edit Hurricane Katrina
Browne's most stunning set of predictions had to do with Hurricane Katrina. "A weather condition," she said in the early summer of 2005, "involving - I'm seeing either wind or water, maybe both - will strike somewhere on Earth before the year is out." In another striking sign of prescience, Browne stated that "President Bush won't know how to handle some kind of problem this year."
edit Law enforcement
Browne claims to have assisted law enforcement agencies in dozens of cases. In order to avoid publicity, Browne has managed to leave behind absolutely no evidence of her working with any law enforcement agency in the world. In fact, she has covered her self-less work so well that the FBI have publicly denied any involvement with her.
Browne says that she is always willing to help the parents of missing children and will do everything she can to find these missing angels, as soon as their check clears. When asked what happens if parents can't afford the $750 hourly fee, she said that parents who are serious about getting their children back would be willing to sell a car, a house or their blood.
edit TV Appearances
Sylvia Browne has made many appearances on the talk shows Larry King Live and The Montel Williams Show. Browne is always careful in these appearances not to give foolhardy medical advice or to make predictions that she cannot back up with facts. When she does not know the answer to a question, she says "I don't know" rather than simply making up an answer. This led to a misunderstanding when Browne appeared on the Canadian children's show You Can't Do That On Television.
Many have accused Montel Williams and Larry King of being unfair to Browne; the two highly-respected hosts frequently badger Ms. Browne with rude questions, challenging her claims to psychic ability. Indeed, the normally soft-spoken Williams is particularly hard on Browne. He has repeatedly called her a "fake" and once accused her of "giving these poor people who have lost loved ones false hope with your bullshit 'predictions'," using "air quotes" to emphasize his point. He then sent Browne to boot camp and gave her a makeover.
"I have a television show that reaches dozens of people," Williams said in defense of his attacks on Browne. "This isn't a game. If she thinks she can come on here and lie to these people without being seriously questioned, she's mistaken. I'm here to help people, and feeding people snake oil, soft soap, and delusional beliefs in 'psychic power' [Williams makes air quotes] is not the way to help someone." Browne handles these attacks in stride, once even joking with Larry King that "I predict you will say something mean to me tonight."
edit Other Browne Predictions
- "A lot of people will watch the Super Bowl next year." - December 2004
- "Muslims will get very angry at something someone says next year." - November 2005
- "A white, Ivy League educated man will be our next President." - March 2002
- "Your mother will die." - August 2006
- "Hail the overlord of Thalos. You will fall on my blade of fire while marching to my four mile high visage chipped into the rock of God's tongue." - December 654654N
edit Books by Sylvia Browne
- Sylvia Browne's First Book (1990)
- Another Sylvia Browne Book (1990)
- Yet Another Goddamn Sylvia Browne Book (1990)
- The Best of Sylvia Browne's Books (1990)
- A Different Sylvia Browne Book (1991)
- The Same Shit As The Last Sylvia Browne Book But With Nicer Pictures (1991)
- You're An Idiot (Buy This Sylvia Browne Book) (1991)
- The Best of the Best of Sylvia Browne's Books (1992)
- Un Libro de Sylvia Browne (1992)
- Sex! Now That I've Got Your Attention: Another Sylvia Browne Book (1993)
- Sylvia Browne's Greatest Hits (1993)
- Sylvia Browne's Book That Appears To Be Very Similar To Another Book/Article Written By Someone Else Who Spouts Just As Much Bollocks (12174)