Sydney, Nova Scotia
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“This is the best oxycontin EVER!”
~ Anonymous Sydney resident
The economic and cultural heart of eastern North America, Sydney, Nova Scotia, was once described as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy" by some crazy old man in a burlap hood, prior to fleeing the planet in the Millenium Falcon. Sydney is home to the world famous "drag", an area which is routinely "cruised". A main feature of "The Drag" is Charlotte Street, which is paved with solid gold and is home to the world headquarters of successful corporations such as Microsoft, Coca Cola, and The Bargain Shop.
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[edit] About Sydney
Housing one of the world's most attractive landmarks, the "tar ponds" of Muggah Creek, the city and the surrounding Cape Breton Regional Municipality has been getting screwed up the ass by mainland Nova Scotia for more than 50 years. CBRM super hero, Mayor John Morgan, is in the process of suing the mainland for literally tens of millions of dollars which have been stolen from the residents of Sydney and surrounding areas. Along with the theft, the mainland has infected the residents with a highly contagious form of syphilis known as the Casino Nova Scotia. The Casino sits like a parasitic leech on George Street cheating little old ladies out of their pension cheques while serving up booze and addiction to anyone who walks through the door. The population of Sydney is approximately 7,000,000 and growing, thanks in large part to the area's booming call centre and whale-tour industries, which employ many. Downtrodden employment-seekers from across Canada routinely make the trek to Sydney in search of greener pastures. Many dreams have been realized in Sydney.
The "law", as modern society knows it, does not exist in Sydney. Rather, there is only one person who upholds the law. A mysterious resident of the Ashby neighborhood, trained in many styles of combat and martial arts, upholds the law...sometimes. The rest of the time, he uses his superior skill with a blade to vandalize nature and intimidate children and adults alike. He is called the Sturg-dawg and the very name scares off criminals. He is often seen with his shady Arab friends, 'Shady guy' and 'Googly'
Sydney only has a single (legal) export: telemarketing. The ICT overlords operating out of Vulcan Avenue provide a steady stream of harassment to major parts of Canada and the United States.
[edit] Nearby Cities
Sydney is located about 12 miles from the sprawling metropolis of Glace Bay and its suburbs of Reserve Mines and Dominion.
Canada's top-rated University, Colouring Book University (CBU), is located roughly halfway between Glace Bay and Sydney on the Glace Bay-Sydney expressway, a massive ten lane highway.
There is a gigantic international airport near the university. Over two million travelers pass through the David Dingwall International Airport every year.
About 10 miles to south of Sydney is the city of New Waterford. New Waterford is known for its high morals and high rate of teenage virginity and abstinence.
[edit] Attractions
Sydney is home to a wide variety of attractions such as the pristine Sydney Tar Ponds Nature Resort. Various species of small mammals, insects, and birds can be found at this beautiful natural landmark. Many have developed second and third heads while others glow in the dark, features unique to the area.
Sydney's waterfront is home to the largest fully functional fiddle in the free world (which the locals have cleverly nicknamed the "Big Fiddle"), which was created at a cost of $140 million, adding 8 jobs to the local economy. It's primary purpose is to distract tourists from the smell of the unknown liquid which fills the harbour, however some have questioned whether this was a sound investment, as it has ultimately become little more than a quiet location for late-night gay sex encounters to take place.
Sydney is also home to a world class multi-purpose sports and entertainment facility, known as Centre 200. It's name is derived from the fact that the Cape Breton Regional Municipality, who own the facility, were somehow able to put together the $200 deposit to begin construction. The venue is home to Cape Breton's illustrious NHL franchise, the Cape Breton Shithawks, who have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001. NHL superstars such as Wayne Gretzky, Rocket Richard, and Wade Belak have graced the Shithawks' lineup. Other notable events taking place at Centre 200 include the annual "Cape Breton: We No Longer Suck" business fair, in which the local chamber of commerce tries to lure unsuspecting corporations to the area with promises of tax breaks and all-you-can-eat hotdogs. Rita McNeil also lives in the arena's basement, and is known to make tea for patrons who get lost while looking for the restrooms.
Local favorite Krystal Wadden, one of Sydney's top supersluts...er...tourist attractions, attracts thousands of male visitors from across North America annually, due to her highly successful service-station and bowling alley mensroom wall advertising campaign.
Future Grey Cup champions, the Cape Breton Unemployment of the Canadian Football League also play out of Sydney. Sydney lacks a CFL size stadium, so the franchise has thus far played it's home games in the Mayflower Mall parking lot on Sunday evenings.
[edit] Local Talent
Sydney is comprised of a rather diverse music scene. Everyone in Sydney plays a musical instrument. The local talent is so profound and accomplished that it no longer feels the need to perform in public, and now performs only in apartments and basements across the city on Saturday nights. They then sober up and return to their meaningless lives in the local call centres.
In recent years it has been discovered that a growing number of these local "musicians" are actually players of video games such as "Guitar Hero", and have somehow falsely fallen under the impression that they can play a real instrument.
[edit] Climate
Sydney, like all of Cape Breton Island, has a warm, tropical climate year round. This is due to the hyper global warming brought about by the Tar Ponds. Scientists estimate that if this warming trend persists, all Sydney residents will resemble VLT playing, beer drinking lizard men by the year 2050.
Though small amounts of snow have been known to fall during the winter months, these amounts are insignificant, and local residents are not inconvenienced in the least by it. Hollywood stars such as Mel Gibson and Bruno Gerussi own sprawling vacation properties in the Sydney area, drawn by this exquisite weather.
[edit] Wildlife
Polar bears, kangaroos, tar ponds monsters, marmosets, tigons, ligers, walruses, leprechauns, hippos, bearded tits, black widow spiders, raccoons, unicorns, wooly mammoths, regular mammoths, sasquatch, sabre toothed tigers, orangutans, and neanderthals were all once plentiful in the Sydney area. However, due to very high animal unemployment rates, almost all of Sydney's wildlife have become addicted to prescription painkillers.
No one is quite sure where the critters were getting all the drugs from, however rumours persist that the ducks at Wentworth Park had a "special agreement" with local senior citizens. In any case, all of Cape Breton's wildlife has since been relocated to the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility (known locally as 2-Riv) and will receive treatment, food and water when the necessary funds become available.
Plant life native to Sydney includes elephant ears, marijuana, opium poppies, and the cocoa plant. The last three are commercially farmed throughout Cape Breton and have replaced coal as the backbone of the Island's economy.
[edit] Member of Parliament
Representing the Sydney-Victoria district of Cape Breton in the House of Parliament is farmer, Mark Eyking. Mark won the election by promising each one of his voters a 10% discount off of Eyking eggs and good paying job at the summer "Strawberry Pick" for each family's youngest son. Both were lies. Eyking's roommate in Ottawa, Roger Cuzner was also recently re-elected. Before his MP days, Roger spent his life setting up beer tents and running the local bingo hall. He now makes over 6 figures with cushy benefits. Great success story!
[edit] See also
- Unemployment
- Glace Bay
- New Waterford
- Cape Breton
- John Morgan
- Colouring Book University
- Halifax
- Alcoholism
- Newfoundland and Labrador
