Sydney
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“At least its not Melbourne ”
“Sydney..utters cunts! ”
~ A common melburnian
“Where the f*&^ are the Australians? ”
~ A visiting American couple
“If this so-called 'Sydney' is supposedly so good, why isn't it the fucking capital?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sydney
“PWNT (or however u say it in japaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese)”
~ Some jap guys sailed in a dildo and bombed that shithole Sydney
“Nah mate, fukin wollongong's where you wanna fucking go”
~ The Average Australian Westy on The geography of the south coast
“Mum says gimme my toy back”
~ Melbourne on New South Wales
“How do you win a fight with a Leb? Take out his SIM card!”
~ A typical Sydneysider from the North Shore, or the Eastern Suburbs, or selected suburbs in the Inner West, or The (Sutherland) Shire, or Campbelltown, or sometimes even Penrith
Sydney Moir (Sidney) is the only city with striking similarity to Hobart but not as inbred due to rampant immigration.
Syd-O-Knee is the Aussiest city in the world according to the Aussie community. Many Australians, and indeed 90% of international markets name Sydney as the capital of Australia, happy to ignore the township of Melbourne. Former Supreme Commander CENTCOM John Howard lives in Sydney, which gave credence to this belief. Sadly, it does make the residents of Canberra angry- possibly because they hadn't thought of it themselves.
Known for the multi-venue Sydney Opera House and spectacular Sydney Harbour, Sydney is an international megacity, exactly like New York, Tokyo and London, except with a case of short-man syndrome. It constantly needs to remind people that it is important, dynamic and vibrant. This makes Sydney unique in the fact it actually needs PR agents to tell people that it is, in fact, an international city. It especially enjoys telling this to Melbourne, who it reviews as its gay brother that no-one in the family talks about anymore.
Sydney feels superior when compared to Melbourne, as Melbourne does not have a coathanger and a giant Danish swan, although it secretly envies Melbourne's extensive network of trams, and (to a lesser degree), trains and a network of "freeways" ahem, Tollways, leading to nowhere in particular, that charge the driver on average $148.27 per kilometre... Yet for some reason Melbourne keeps winning things that Sydney-siders don't like... such as Melbourne being named by Al-Qaeda as a terrorism target. The Sydney lord mayor was outraged and demanded Sydney be attacked first. The Sydney government is currently offering tax incentives and compensation for organisation such as Al-Qaeda to change their attack plans to include Sydney.
In 1995, Melbourne City Council made a bid for the ownership of Sydney for $2,000, however the NSW State Premier Glen Ridge countered the offer with ten dollars and a chance to win a lounge suite. Melbourne jumped on this offer, and as its first order of business opened, shifted all control mechanisms to the newly created management board of the "Broader Deliberate Sydney Mismanagement and Suffering Council", or, BSDM. During the first year of operation, it successfully humiliated Sydney by incorporating two rather embarrassing locations (viz: Quakers Hill and Parramatta) into the Sydney Metropolitan Area. The Board also succeeded in building Olympic Park, which adds an international (specifically North Korean prison camp) feel to the area, and in particular the prisoner disposal wing, also known as Olympic Park station. The local air also tastes a lot like 8-day old pork, although the reasons for this are largely unknown.
In 2000, when the $ydney 0lympics rolled around, $ydney people were in$tilled with a $en$e of fal$e pride. They thought that the world was $miling on them a$ $hown by the fact that they were ho$ting the game$. Unfortunately, $ydney didn't reali$e that the world infact felt $orry for them becoz they are all inbred$ and the $ons of hor$e and budgie uni$on$. As the $ydney mayor, John So, $ay$, 'if a rerative ih good rooking, den ry not?'. This $logan was u$ed for touri$m purpose$ for a $hort period in 1998, but wa$ replaced with the more acceptable 'if there is gra$$ on the wicket, then let$ play cricket'.
Sydney is known for a multicultural city. It has the most Chinese people per square meter then anywhere else in the world (apart from China. It has been called the "Asian Invasion")
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[edit] History
The city was founded by convicts and repressed English marines. Historical figures show that without the presence of rum the city would have long since collapsed, and it is gives further credence to the underground network of distilleries that are meant to keep the city alive.
Despite this shady background, the city now prides itself on its homosexuals, prostitutes,ugly sluts and liberal politicians. Hurrah for progress?
Since then, Sydney has become one of the biggest holes in Australia (with the exception of Canberra (or Hobart(or Dulwich Hill (also known as Dulwich Hole))) and now no one likes them anymore. Sydney's peak in popularity was when it was founded. Since then, it has taken a turn for the worst. One of its biggest blunders was hosting the 2000 Olympic Games because the IOC felt sorry for them (and they had taken a bribe of Sydney Airport which was later sold to Macquarie Bank for 2 stones and an ostrich egg). Sydneysiders still don't accept the fact that basically everywhere is better than Sydney and that the only 'real' things that exist are an oversized aboriginal canoe infested with termites, a nuclear missile in disguise and a massive eggshell that was hit by a meteor in prehistoric times.
[edit] Origins
According to the Kansas Education Board, something intelligent designed the Earth, and I assume it's either God, or Steve Jobs. Well, God was supposed to create Sydney on the 7th day, but God got too lazy to design it, and instead, put Jorn Utzon in charge. Unfortunately, his ambitious plans were considered too 'good', and instead got IKEA in charge because of their cost-effective florae and faunae. That's why all the trees and animals in Sydney are weird and have funny names. Like snappy gum. Sounds like an old man who has lost his dentures. Amiright?
I assume stuff happened after that, and maybe the Chinese got involved. After some time, somebody dreamed up the idea that Aboriginals were native to Australia. Here, they lived in relative peace and quiet until ...
[edit] The White Peril
Some Dutch and Frenchmen somehow managed to get to Sydney Cove, but they thought the place was so ugly and cheap, they were glad to give it to the British. The natives did not resist either. Little did they know just a few hundred years later the property would be selling for over four million credits.
Sydney was the first settlement in the Penile Colony of New South Wales. In 1788, 12 ships arrived and made precisely the same error that Captain Cook did in 1770, but rather than rush back to England the colonists decided to turn the colony into the world's biggest gaol, making the Dutch, and the French, jolly angry.
Tom Baker started the aboriginal slums where he held 12 young women as slaves. Tom was infected with petrolsnifitus and is now a sad old man with no penis and a huge ass. Because of the large ass, Tom is a (f)hit with all the gay Sydnersiders.
Oh, there were a lot of rebellions and mutinies during this rather idiotic period in Sydney's development. People were breeding with wheat, allowing women to be farmers, and as usual, attempting to keep up with fashion trends from Mama Britain. And during all this time, the United States of America had asserted its independence and broken out into civil war.
Once, the colony ran out of spare change. This led to other things being used like shoes, handbags, ocelots and Rum being used as currency. When the Rum ran out there were a series of riots and pretty well everyone bar the British went home again, giving up on the great southern land of dust.
Those who were left behind are the ancestors of white Australia. So to all those people (especially Melbournians), you too were once from Sydney! That's right, you were once your more shallow cousins to the north-east!
[edit] The Heavy Refugee Flow Period and The Metrosexual Revolution
After a giant gap in Sydney's in rather Sydney's insignificant history, in 1945, people in Sydney were mortified with the fact that some new people didn't have the same skin complexion as them. This was the first time a Sydneysider had ever met with an educated, hard-working migrant. Eventually, after some spy sagas and rioting, the Prime Minister at the time, Gough Whitlam, locked all the Sydneysiders and the migrants in one room, and didn't let them out until they made a compromise to be 'ethnically' tolerant of each other.
During this time, Sydney also experienced much change. In 1998, amongst the mobile phones, hair gel and the openly homosexual atmosphere, there emerged a new kind of being. It was a person who looked like a gay person, acted like a gay person and talked like a gay person, but wasn't a gay person. This marked the event of the metrosexual. After a golden age, their grasp on Sydney rule is starting to decline, as women discover that straight men, no matter how 'gay' they were, are still the jerky, promiscuous men they are on the inside.
[edit] Law Enforement
NSW Police Corporation have long been a blight on Sydney's otherwise tolerable face. They started out as a big zit to keep convict founding-fathers from getting rampaged by Aborigines, and have in recent years morphed from benign tumours into huge metastasizing cancerous globules. They are better armed than 43% of the world's nations, and are known to frequent happy communities in Inner South and Western Sydney, laying the baton on the jaw of unfortunate young lads just coolin' in the streets.
Here are some quirky laws tourists should be aware of when they come to Sydney:
- Sucking your own John in public is legal so long as you are capable of it
- You must ask a Police Officer to test your illicit drugs before receiving a certificate of approval to consume them
- It is a civil offence not to bow to a public transport worker when mounting a public transport vehicle, although this law is seldom enforced
- It is illegal for a straight person to be seen out after dark
- Make fun of the Law Enforcement as much as you can, dress up as Usama Bin La-D!N and stroll into high security areas.
- It is illegal to be of Middle Eastern appearance. Being of Middle Eastern appearance is punishable by handing over all your gold chains and mobile phones to Police.
[edit] Fast Facts
- It rains 1200mm per year in Sydney, whilst in Melbourne it only rains 600mm per year & Rainy london, only 700mm per year! Puts Sydney as the wettest stormiest city! But Sydney lays claim to the best weather...which is clearly not the case!
- The suburb of Manly was originally designed to be a giant party for underage drinkers, not much has changed since.
- The city of Sydney is best experienced through one's rear-view mirror as one departs for Melbourne, which they then realise is shit and travel to Canberra, before realising that there isn't really any Australian city worth visiting.
- Sydney is a really, really big suburb, or what is known as an übersuburb, that is located on a City Rail train still yet to arrive at the station somewhere in the Indian Ocean.
- Sydney is loosely translated from the native Aboriginal language as "Atlanta with a harbour".
- The Manly Ferry is a great Sydney icon. Passengers tell of fantastic journeys of the ferry beaching itself on rocks, slamming into wooden stops at Circular Quay, crashing into Kirribilli Island, dying midway between its destinations and most importantly sinking off the coast of Narrabeen Beach, some 35 kilometres north of where it should have been at the time. (This is actually true.)
- In the year 2000, Sydney hosted the Olympics but when the city could not afford to repay money owed to the bank that it had borrowed to host the games, the entire city's population was to be moved North so it could take their land as payment. Unfortunately for them, the North, home of the rest of the world, refused to take the land, on the grounds that it was insufficiently flat or boring, and not owned by Kerry Packer.
- B.B. Jammies is very ticklish on his tummy, feet, ass and penis
- Fortunately the cost of hosting the 2000 Olympics was offset when scientists discovered a way to convert hubris to electricity, thus guaranteeing Sydney's energy supply for the next 1000 years.
- The original convicts that didn't fit in England came to Sydney a while back, this explains why Sydney in general is a hole (and why the English are dickheads.)
- Although unknown to most scientists, Barbara Streisand's massive nose was constructed in Sydney. Builders believed that if the project was to go a wry they could easily drown the nose in the nearby water. This idea however was tossed out prematurely after the construction of the spiky building that would be used to stab the nose to death to ensure a quick and easy phlegmy death.
- Get drunk with the pseudo-Socialist uni students in Newtown, the good thing is it looks just like Melbourne without having to be there. The bad thing is, Newtown is not Melbourne.[citation needed]
- Sydney native's are obsessed with Melbourne. Even though they don't like to admit it. A common occurrence on the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald, (one of Sydney's most popular sources of utter lies), is how better the weather is than Melbourne's.
- Any Sydneysider will tell you that although Melbourne likes to compare itself to Sydney, Sydney would never, ever compare itself to Melbourne. The places Sydney compares itself to are SO much better than the places Melbourne compares itself to. This is why Sydney is better than Melbourne.
- Many tourist operators encourage trips to only Circular Quay, The Bridge and the Opera House (and Manly Beach if it is in Summer). This is due to their collective realisation that without these things Sydney is devoid of any beauty, atmosphere and culture and is hence really shit.
- Peak hour traffic in Greater Sydney's roads lasts between the hours of 4am-3:30pm and 4pm-3:30am, seven days a week. Exceptions are made for Christmas Day and Good Friday, whereby peak lasts the entire 24 hours.
- After the many coups in Sydney for dominance of the city council (a hall filled with camelshit as far as the eye can see), Lord Mayor Stalin still claims that Sydney is better than all cities in New South Wales.
[edit] Things To Do In Sydney
- $ave yourself lots of money paying $78/kilometer of freeways and $981 a night for a 0-star hotel.
- Get stuck in traffic
- Leave and never return.
- Sell your soul to afford housing
- Laugh at the homeless
- Look forward to the trip home
- When waiting for your plane home, have a coffee while watching bikie gangs settling scores in the airport lobby
- Night at the opera (probably just taking photos of the building like everyone else)
- Take pictures of the homeless and put them on Wikipedia.
- Go north to Brisbane
- Host a really really big event like
World Youth DayWorld Ute Day - Don't go to Perth
- Go to Adelaide and get a Farmers Union Iced Coffee
- Take a scenic drive that will only end up taking you through the Cross City Tunnel 7 times.
- Consider Hobart but only on Boxing Day
- Goto Canberra to see real cultural attractions and marvel at how little Sydney actually matters
- Make an unnecessary stopover in our airport on your way to Melbourne
- Walk to the Moon
- Use teleportation device, head to Toronto
- Dig underground until you get to China
- Visit Cronulla Beach in search of people of middle-eastern appearance to violently attack without provocation.
- Receive a free hug from retarded school children
- Play spot the koala in the city
- Dress up as a Koala and carry a bucket (people will hug you and throw money)
- start a riot
- Visit Kings Cross for whores and play 'Guess the Ladyboy'
[edit] Infrastructure and Transport
There is crap-all decent infrastructure in Sydney - the water tastes worse than Canberra's, the train system is a mess and roads are always gridlocked. But that's the price you pay for living in an important global supercity such as New York, Sydney, New York, etc. Did we mention Sydney likes being mentioned in the same sentence as New York?
[edit] Railways
“BONG BONG BONG. The train on platform 1 goes to Bondi Junction. First stop Bondi Junction, then Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, then all stations to Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, Bondi Junction, and then all stations to Bondi Junction.”
~ A typical CityRail announcement
“BONG BONG BONG. Attention all passengers, this announcement has been cancelled for today only.
Cityrail apologises for the inconvenience. ”
~ A typical CityRail announcement
“BONG BONG BONG. Attention passengers. It is an offence to part this platform. Please refrain from doing so. CityRail appreshiates your co-oporation. Piss off.”
~ A typical CityRail announcement
CityRail, Sydney's rail metropolitan rail network was first laid out in 1855, and half built by 2008. (Excluding the Parramatta Rail Link, Western FastRail, the North West Metro, the South West Rail Link, but oddly enough, including the CBD Metro. Damn Nathan Rees...) Construction appears to have stopped at that point. Most services run every hour... er... well they claim to. In fact it has been said that if a terrorist attack occurred on Sydney's trains, that they wouldn't achieve much as the train would be delayed by signal failure and the subsequent explosion would actually help to clean up the non-working rail carriages littered around the network. Sydney trains are so out of date that the "Next Stop" and "Doors Closing" messages are not pre recorded but spoken by the train drivers themselves. This is particularly hazardous because the drivers appear to talk in another language so that "Doors Closing" sounds more like "Vrogs M-Lown" (except with hardly any pronunciation skills what so ever). The trains often arrive at their destination several years after they should, causing wide-spread tardiness, it is, however, a boon for creepy people, who call public transport their home. This network is also the only train network that has two-tier trains, becuase they think the rest is shit!
Since they were too poor to continue operating cityrail, they have introduced shityrail in 2000. Shityrail has being selling tickets for $1,000,000 each and employed 500 ticket inspectors for each station. They don't have anything similar to CityRail and including the fact the ticket machines do not work.
These stations now feature churches and mosques for people to pray for the train. They also have hotels for the long delays. The worst section is that they have graveyards and crematoriums for the extremely long delays. At bigger stations they have cathedrals and buddhist temples so you can pray for better expectancy. However, this will do nothing whatsoever. As their service declines they continue to put the price up by $1,000,000. This is a fact that only the sexual Bill Gates can afford to buy the ticket.
They are the home of dud trains, like the MilLemon trains, the "Tangara", and worst of all, the C set, the train that wants to be a Tangara, but also likes being a K set. Make up your effing mind, douchebag
Sydney Terminal, is where all the trains go to to Terminate, before proceeding on there merry way. Other stations are Town Hall and Wynyard. then there is Circular Quay (pronounced as "Circular Key"), before proceeding to the stations 10m apart (or that don't need to exist), "St James", and "Museum".
Also, if you're not quick enough to get out of the train within the 2.1 seconds that you have, you will find yourself on the line to Canberra and be stuck in the canyon with Ruddism fever tribes and his consultative groups until you're exasperated from ending further south when you started heading north because all the roads bend around in circles.
[edit] Free Payways
“To pass this section please pay a small toll of $280.50, thank you.”
~ Cross City Tunnel Commission on Profit
This is a misnomer, as there are no 'free'ways in Sydney. Every motorway has been designed so that there are several exits, all of which lead back onto the motorway, which, by a quirk of physics, goes back to toll gates and Canberra, where hapless drivers will be stuck for the rest of their lives. Also, every new motorway built by law must have toll booths every five k's - this can be solved with an electronic beep tag that keeps deducting from your credit card despite still having lots of credit. The only thing you get for "free" are traffic jams, delays, and crazy truck drivers that take up all lanes. One example of an excellent motorway is the M5 East Tunnel, which defeats the purpose of using a motorway by moving slower than the normal non toll roads.
There are many six-lane paved goat tracks. They turn the roads from four-lane to six-lane by repainting the lines, rather than actually widening the road. No, really. They actually do this. And you know what? It works.
The orbital motorways are just that, they orbit Sydney and never leave it. To leave Sydney you must get out of orbit, and then head west, but of course the only people who can afford to travel that far will never venture into the west, and hence you are trapped in Sydney forever. The last known person to have left Sydney by road is unable to comment, as he traded one hell (Sydney) for another (the Southern Highlands).
[edit] Cycling
Cycling in Sydney is a popular means of transteleportelation. All 24 of Sydney's cyclists will attest to the ease with which hapless cyclists can be shmowed down by deranged pent-up drivers in cars all over Sydney. If you cycle Sydney and are lucky enough to avoid getting squashed by a bus, semitrailer or taxi, you might end up with a free trip to the underside of the Bermuda Triangle after getting swallowed by one of Sydney roads' mysterious potholes and the energy vortex they produce.
[edit] Economy
Like most modern cities, Sydney abandoned its factories a long time ago. The chief activities of the city are attempts to steal sporting and cultural events from Seattle, the only other famous 's' city. The biggest success was the 2000 Olympics which Sydney took from the Germans after two bids. Now Sydney is ready to suck in the cash with evangelising young Catholics set to descend on the city like a ravenous swarm of locusts in the near future.
Sydney's tradesmen are enjoying some of the biggest profits they've ever had. That's because there is so much to build. There are McMansions, freeways, hospitals, desalinization plants and shopping centres...
The second biggest industry is the latte trade, thriving on the upper-lower-sideways middle class. Everybody in Sydney is rich, or as the government tells them! In terms of the cultural exports, Sydneysiders currently manufacture lots of cheap Ken Done shirts and faux didgeridoos! Buy buy buy! Materialism! That's because the government tells Sydneysiders that they are all richer, and need to spend because if they don't, all the terrorists will buy those Gucci shoes and Polo pink shirts.
Sydney also produce lots of ridicule about Melbourne, New Zealand and people who live in South West Sydney. In all, the economy is extremely dependent on English backpackers, real estate and looking fabulous!
[edit] Sporting
Sydney likes to think of itself as a great sporting city but then it looks south at Melbourne and Canberra and then goes to the corner of the room and cries itself to sleep. Very few of its citizens actually get out to venues to see live sport, preferring to stay at home and watch on a wide screen acre wide plasma television, bought with 13 seconds interest free. The sports which are popular in Sydney are all known by three letter acronyms like: NRL, AFL, ATM etc. However it is worth noting that Sydneysiders are low-life bandwagoners and a sport which is popular one week maybe viewed as shithouse the next.
Sydney people once took Rugby Union seriously, until they kicked out a bunch of players who went to Canberra formed a team (the ACT Brumbies), and inspired by the awesome might of the city they lived in, soon won the "super" rugby competition, thus becoming the only Australian team in the professional era to do so. Thus began the conversion of Sydney to "the game of 13", so it is often said that people from Sydney apparently watch and play Rugby League (the game of 13). Rugby League was invented as practise to escape immigration officials during the 1950's and 60's. Any skill in Rugby League has since been removed so minds moulded by materialism can comprehend what's happening.
Everyone in Sydney really loves the Canterbury Rapists. One thing that makes Sydney residents blood boil is that the State of Origin has become so easy for the Queensland side that all the Blues have to do is think of an excuse as to why they lost AGAIN. Then they all go and rape a drunk chick in a nightclub.
[edit] Sydney FC
Sydney FC is Sydney's new entry in the Australian football/soccer league (or whatever the hell else Sydney newspapers decide to call it this week). They play in sky blue and are characterised by having excessive amounts of ill-gotten cash from money-laundering schemes, so much so that they are colloquially called Bling-Bling FC. Sydney FC lost the AFL final to the South Central Coast Cowboys 91 (15.7) to 14 (Tries: Yorke, Ethnic Guy No.22, Ethnic Guy No.16, Goals, Yorke). They are noted for their semi-official anthem:
We are the boys of the Sydney FC And we'll fuck you up, whoever you may be (repeat ad nauseam)
[edit] Sydney Swans
The Sydney team in the AFL. Some may find it ironic that though Sydney participated in one of the first 'non-Victorian' grand finals and claimed victory over hated Melbourne, they forget that the 'Sydney' Swans is really a mad artist's impression of what you get when you steal entire football clubs from South Melbourne and plant them in a different location. This has happened to many places since, for example Hawthorn to Tasmania, Fitzroy to Brisbane and Geelong to Tristan da Cuhna (just so some other team could win a grand final in 2008). They are noted for having no players who originate from Pluto. AFL is the game played in heaven - by idiots who have made it there by mistake. Crackheads from Perth play it. You get 6 points for kicking Sydneysider and 1 point for missing the Sydneysider.
[edit] NSW Waratahs
A team based upon the best talent Queensland and rugby league have to offer. They are called the Waratahs because they are "red" - the colour of Queensland and fragile like a flower. They were good once, but see above for the history of the amazing decision-making prowess of NSW Rugby Union, which led to the formation of the best rugby team in Canberra instead, thus forever scaring Sydney rugby fans and making those silly kiwi's laugh when Sydney-siders refer to the 'mighty' tahs
An activity, regarded by some as a sport, in Sydney is Quoosing. This involves all invloved (the entire population of Sydney) carying around 3 grenades. each of these must kill as many New Zealanders as posible. Strangely, it is the person who kills five million who is the winner. And that person is Eddie McGuire.
[edit] Landmarks
No natural landmarks exist. No manmade landmarks exist either, with the citizens mostly roaming around in the sand or water (no beach, the water and land do not touch, as they dislike each other). The only existing landmarks are a pile of crashed UFOs (to this day no one goes near it, as periodically very strange sounds can be heard from it) and some sort of large scale steel rigging, from which multi-coloured explosives are periodically launched in superstitious efforts to appease the demons that would otherwise plague the city. No-one is quite sure what the hell this is all about, and Sydneysiders are determined to keep it under wraps or at the very least beneath a mound of tourists.
[edit] Culture
Each year residents hold the annual gay and lesbian mardi gras where all the queens in the known universe party through the streets naked. At midnight, each man inserts his genitals into another man until a giant chain is made reaching right through the city, ending with John Howard at Kiribilli house. Straight (or even gay) tourists are encouraged to travel to the city at this time.
In Sydney you're most likly to find bogans. Tips to tell is someone is a bogan: When greeted you here the follow "G'day mate," The person is carrying a beer and wearing thongs or 'flip flops'. Those who are born in Sydney who are not bogans either move to Melbourne, Canberra or overseas.
Sydney likes to boast about its 'culture' - for a good example of "Sydney Culture" see the Cronulla Race Riots or take a trip to the Lakemba Mosque, the Sydney Fish Markets, or China Town
[edit] See Also
- Melbourne
- Sydney, Nova Scotia
- John Howard
- CityRail
- Birrong
- Bondi
- Sydney Opera House
- Sydney race riots
