Swistak

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The origins of the Świstak are shrouded in myth; many don't even know what the hell a Świstak is, whether or not it requires that accent on the S (like Śo), what its D&D stats are, what talkshows it's been on, whether or not rubbing its stomach will bring you good luck, and what Świstaks have against Santa.

We (I) will answer all of those questions in this page, going into great depths on every possible answer in every possible way.

edit Origin, Maybe Some Other Śtuff

Świstaks originate in the icy, frostbitten desert of Poland. During the Great War of the Sausage (WWII, the Polish are a bit nutty), the Polish realised they needed a secret weapon to stop the invading Krauts, and putting extra gristle into the sausage they looted wasn't slowing them down one bit. After Polish butchers ran out of stuff to do to the sausages, it settled on the one animal that actually lived in Poland; the Śquirrel. After nuclear tests that lasted until approximately 1960[1] the Świstak was finally brought forth into the world. As a result of the Świstak's initial confusion, all the Squirrels and Polish in Poland were killed in a crazed bloodlust. The Germans weren't stopped, as the war ended about 15 years previously.

Since then, the Polish have been remembered every year on April Fools Day, for being such Krauten-Sausagers.

edit Świstaks in Modern Culture

Lcgrammy14 001

The Black Eyed Peas, pictured here, make off with the Golden G-Unit Świstak

The Świstak has since been immortalized in North American and European culture, after releasing a slew of influential improvisational albums, all featuring genres at least 50 years before they were actually created. The legendary Świstak visionary, Śvik Śvek Śvenk III, was the sole factor in the prevention of the AIDS virus, as well as cancer. His magical prowess and sheer handsomeness managed to keep both diseases from spreading past their initial victims. Anyone telling you they have AIDS or Cancer now, are just fucking liars.

They are also revered as gods, and are frequently seen on statues and awards, and pictured left.

edit Doeś Świstak Need That Accent On the Ś?

Aś promiśed, I śaid I will anśwer every queśtion to the fulleśt, and in every pośśible way. Thiś queśtion iś no different. The anśwer is yeś. Y-E-Ś.

edit D&D Śtatś

Do I really need to go into this? Seriously. I don't even play D&D. Just, fuck, Iunno, guess.

edit Talkśhowś With Świstakś

Tomswistak

Tom Cruise being mauled by Śylweśter, a prominent Świstak novelist, on Oprah. He had just been "outed" for writing a fictional autobiography.

Świstaks have become almost as prominent as regular people in North American media. Europe has yet to be as accepting towards these great creatures, as they still remember that Poland was destroyed by the Swistaks, and bratwurst really just doesn't compare to genuine Polish sausage.

Świstaks in North America have appeared on a variety of talkshows, which is a sort of life goal of every Świstak. When the Polish were inventing the Świstak back in Poland, they decided to go on lunch break - the first one in 5 years - and accidentally left on reruns of Small World, which the Świstaks were forced to watch. This lead to the growth of an insatiable need to appear on talkshows, often through coercion, bribery, and threat of mauling (general talent is widely discouraged in Świstak culture).

The most famous of Świstak talkshow appearances has to be Tom Cruise's spot on Oprah. During a particularly delirious couch-jumping session, Śylweśter, a prominent Świstak novelist who wrote A Million Little Furry Carnivores as an autobiography and was promptly outed when said autobiography was revealed to be fictional, attempted to attack Oprah and Tom Cruise. The attack failed, as when Śylweśter had finished severing Tom's head and disembowling his corpse, Oprah simply ate him. While the attack on Oprah is easily the result of her bitching him out on an earlier episode, the motives for attacking Tom are still unclear; it is theorized that all Świstaks are, by nature, attracted to kill and eat those with completely free Thetans. Why this is, is still unclear; the theory's, uh, theory-making-guy Big Dumb Object told us (me) to fuck off when we (I) inquired further.

edit Does Rubbing Świstak Śtomach Bring You Good Luck?

This is the question that has confounded historians for millennia. Świstakś are notoriously violent when fondled, touched, rubbed, or scratched by humans. This has led to some extremely gruesome deaths at the hands of Świstakś, when some fucking moron tried to rub its stomach.

It is speculated that this is why the myth of "good luck" sprung up; the ancient Polish assumed that the Świstakś were attempting to hide their stomachs from them because it had magical powers; never once did it cross their minds that Świstakś are just a bunch of mean assholes. Regardless of these scientific setbacks and numerous grisly maulings, the answer is yes. The only person to ever rub a Świstak stomach and survive was Bruce Campbell.

edit Śanta & the Świstakś

Swistakrun

Śanta Clause, that merry fucking asshole, runs down Queen Śylwia in a Denny's parking lot.

Of all the bloody feuds, this one is by far the grizliest. Starting wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back in August 2006, it has embroiled the noble Świstakś in an all-out war against the North Pole.

The instigating incident occurred in the parking lot of a Denny's in Michigan, in the winter of '89. Queen Śylwia had just finished her breakfast of pancakes and waitesses, and was exiting to go back to her country club and laugh about how the black people couldn't get membership, when suddenly, Clause ran her down screaming "WHOOOOOOOOOP WHOOOOOOOOP WHOOOOP WHOOOP WHOOP WHOP WUP" and various curses that were so horrible your head would explode simply by thinking them. Her majesty's honour guard attempted to give chase, but alas couldn't catch up, 'cause li3k t3hy w3r3 on f00t, nd h3 wuz drvin a mtrcycl3.

Swistak3

Świstak action figure with chicken-eating action (Tom Cruise sold separately)

No reason was given for this horrible act, and the Świstakś asked for none. They began strategically bombing the backbone of Santa's economic empire, his Toy Shop. Saint Nik responded in kind, by dropping 5000 megaton warheads on Poland. However, the elves forgot to inform him that Poland no longer existed (it has been proposed that the Keebler elves deliberately planted the information within Santa's upper ranks that suggested the contrary), and Santa was humiliated in the eyes of the world for making such a grave tactical error.

Swistaksforever

Świstak & a koala dancing statue w/ mistletoe

In a dastardly attempt to loosen Santa's economic stranglehold on the Christmas market, the Świstak empire has recently given the green light to a number of holiday trinkets and cards, seen pictured.

The war is still ongoing, to this moment; Santa was unable to procure more nuclear weapons to replenish his original stockpile, and the elves have proven to be a more-than-effective meat shield against the repeated Świstak raids.

It is predicted that the winner will be George Clooney, in 2798.

edit References

  1. no citation, we're just guessing.
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