Swiss

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“Swiss? Aren't they just pacifist Germans?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Swiss

“Pretty Much...”
~ Francis Bacon on Wilde


1. An untraceable bank account.

2. A type of hole, noted for its roundness and vacuity. First discovered by Heidi.

3. Pretend Italians.

4. Pretend French.

5. Pretend Germans.

6. Retro-Romansh.

6. Real Romansh (Actually, there are more Muslims living there).

7. Suburb of Basel.

8. The greatest naval fleet ever known to gnome-kind.

9. A perverse person.

(Not necessarily in that order)

edit Other proper uses of the word

The word Swiss is very similar to the Anglo-Swahili word Swizz. It is reputed that if you say the word "Swizz" softly and sensuously to yourself (like a love song whispered into your ear by a Nubian princess), while rubbing your armpits gingerly (like someone who has used deodorant which is far too strong), it will cure even the most malodorous case of gout.

edit The Army

After their break up from the Holy Roman Empire in 1291, the Swiss created a national army to defend their cows. Their great hero was William Tell who had originally worked in a circus firing arrows into apples balanced on his son's head. Tell was a Great Swiss hero and would have been the George Washington of the Alps but the Swiss rejected his leadership as they were - and are - parochial, secretive and well...Swiss. But they did maintain an army who would fight if someone paid them and became the first professional soldiers in Europe since the Romans. This was in comparison to the usual way of raising army which combined fantaticism and the promise of loot.

The Swiss liked fighting with long pikes (trouts were too soft) but during this time they also developed a line in small pocket, multifunction knives. When the era of the Swiss mercenaries ended in the 16th century (except in Rome where the Pope kept a small troop), they returned back to their cows and pastures. Now if anyone would dare to invade Switzerland, they would be faced with a knife and this threat so scared other Europeans, that they left them alone until the time of Napoleon. However Napoleon couldn't deal with the Swiss and tried to change them name to 'Helvenes' and the country to the Helvetic Republic. He failed and warned that the Swiss were simply 'impossible'.

Following the end of the war against Napoleon, the Swiss got everyone else to recognise their perpetual neutrality and re-trained their army as a citizen militia. Elite regiments were formed by those Swiss citizens who hadn't overstuffed on chocolate. The most feared were the Swiss Mountain Tweezers, the Airbourne Bottle Openers, the Main Bladers and the Trainees, known as the 'toothpick Swiss'. The Swiss Army therefore refused to keep up with modern military developments and in World War Two Adolf Hitler was scared of losing too many soldiers to the Swiss Alps and decided not to risk an attack.

Today training operations consists of opening letters, repairing bicycle punctures, and removing splinters. Their navy consists of a single barely operating tugboat/warship/fishing trawler stuck in a puddle, that consists of their entire naval battle group. They also went to war with the native mountain goats on one occasion, which they were wholeheartedly defeated by, and banished from their own mountain peaks. The cause of this shameful defeat? Their only weapon they are trained with, shoddily manufactured small Swiss army knives was the only battlefield weapon carried to use against the dreaded mountain goats.

edit Things The Swiss Have Given The World

Alberthoffman
Albert Hoffman, inventor of LSD. Hippies love him, but he hates hippies. Good man!

The Swiss invented the cuckoo clock in 16.29 (it was an early digital version). These timepieces are often hand-carved with various leaf patterns in a Black Forest sort of style, and instead of having a chime like a normal clock have a little wooden bird (which rarely looks even remotely like a cuckoo, but then not many people know what a cuckoo looks like. This includes cuckoos themselves, which is probably why you hardly ever see them - when a potential daddy cuckoo and a potential mummy cuckoo meet, they don't realise what each other are and so cannot mate. Hence there aren't many of them) that pops out of a tiny door and cuckoos. Exactly how these work is a mystery, since normal wild cuckoos are not known for their good time keeping. Presumably Swiss cuckoos are equipped with Swiss watches (or more likely Japanese ones, since the Japanese can make watches that cost a few pounds that are more accurate than any Swiss watch). As you can imagine, the overall effect is somewhat tacky and twee. Clockologists believe that the cuckoo clock was inspired by the rare clock cuckoo, which is known to have existed in the Black Forest until about 1600 (this magnificent bird is now extinct in Europe except for a small colony in Portugal). The male clock cuckoo builds an elaborate clocklike nest in an attempt to attract a mate, who will lay her eggs inside the nest after mating. Both sexes in the pair feed the young until they leave the nest via the little door thoughtfully constructed by the male parent.

Omni 12
The H.R. Geiger-designed cuckoo clock did not sell well to tourists.

Bizarrely, the thing that the Swiss are most famous for after cuckoo clocks is H.R. Geiger, an artist who works in a very different style. Switzerland is famous for its chocolate, especially Toblerone which is produced from the dried bark of the chocolate tree, one of the few crops to grow well in Switzerland's harsh climate. I met a vegan Swiss woman once, which surprised me, because I thought the only food you could get in Switzerland was chocolate. They also invented LSD, which was nice of them.

Tobleronepic
Toblerone. Marianne Faithful's Swiss counterpart is HARDCORE!

edit Famous Swiss People

edit Famous Things Swiss People Do

  • Keep gnomes
  • Keep Secrets
  • Keep family members in the cellar (like Austria) and eat them (unlike Austria)
  • Keep more guns than people in Arizona
  • Smoke Cannabis (Also known as Weed, Pot, Marihuana etc.)

edit Famous Things Swiss People Don't Do

  • Talk to you unless you want to give them money
  • Talk about where they put all that Nazi gold and other loot in World War Two
  • Talk to Muslims

edit Odd Facts About Switzerland

  • Toblerone's distinctive shape is patented. The patent application was approved and signed by one Albert Einstein.
  • Switzerland is home to the world's largest manufacturer of marine engines.
  • There's a mountain in Switzerland that looks just like Cleopatra. If you squint a bit. And maybe take hallucinogenic drugs.
  • There is also a mountain in the shape of a woman's breast, named Nipplegate Bueppisspitz.

edit See Also

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