Swine Flu
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Swine Flu is the latest in a series of mild diseases that has been pounced upon by the sensationalising media and transformed into the impending global apolcolypse of all living things on this planet and beyond. Despite only being a mild form of Influenza that is actually less of a danger to you than the common Human Flu (not to be mistaken for man flu which is pretty nasty indeed and shouldn't be poo-pooed by the ladies!) it has been magically converted, via the power of media scaremongering, into the second coming of the Bubonic Plague purely because a few people from Mexico, whose healthcare system is pretty shocking anyway, died. It is also further proof that God hates Mexico.
Meanwhile, the World Health Organization's danger-o-meter is currently at Level 6 ("We're Fucked"), and is being monitored nail-bitingly by people in white coats carrying clipboards. This is supposedly the highest it can go, but if the virus mutates into something more dangerous the meter will slip into a secret, unknown realm known only as Level 7, and tear a hole in the space-time continuum.
This particular strain of flu (known officially as 'H666 FLU') is distinctive in that it causes the victim to rise from the dead. As depicted in promotional trailer for the swine flu outbreak, 28 Days Later, the dead will soon roam the Earth with the difference that they will crave pork instead of brains. The Government sincerely doesn't want this to happen, so it advises you to stay indoors, stock up on food, carry a magnifying glass on you at all times, and forget about the recession.
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History
Swine Flu first came into existence as a result of genetic engineering experiments initiated by by Umbrella Corporation for the purpose of fighting the growing swine huffing epidemic in American cities. The latest string of the Swine FLu virus is the result of a combination between the ordinary Swine Flu that only affects pigs and the so-called T-Virus, a proprietary invention owned by the Umbrella Corporation.
John Lennon predicted the pandemic of Swine Flu in 1964 in the movie 'A Hard Day's Night' when he accused a cast member of having "a touch of the swine fever". In 1977, John Travolta starred in 'Saturday Night Fever,' a precursor of Swine Flu. Because of this, scientists now believe that playing Lennon's music (along with all other Beatles group and solo work) backwards may reveal a hidden formula for the cure. So far, despite uncovering concrete evidence that Paul McCartney was killed and replaced by a lookalike, there has been no mention of a cure. When suggested that the scientists conducting the research should also include the work of Yoko Ono for any hidden meaning, they replied that a) None of Yoko's music actually has any meaning anyway, and b) They'd rather take their chances against a fatal disease instead, thank you very much.
How you can Catch Swine Flu
- Putting pepperoni on your pizza.
- Licking a pig (or Turkish urinal).
- Huffing a pig.
- Having erotic dreams with pigs in them.
- Being married to a pig.
- Fucking a pig.
- Being a Furry (it's believed that Swine Flu will wipe out over 97% of the Furry population).* Being in the army cadets
- Kissing an American or Canadian.
- Being Mexican.
- Being married to a Mexican.
- Wrestling a Mexican.
- Playing Halo CE with that Mexican guy.
- Wearing a sombrero.
- Thinking about Mexico.
- Talking like Speedy Gonzalés for more than 15 minutes.
- Being racist.
- Eating Burger Kings new Texican Whopper.
- Eating Taco Bell.
- Eating anything at McDonald's.
- Watching The God Channel.
- Listening to Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez.
- Sleeping on the left hand side of the bed.
- Having naked showers.
- First name is Zach.
- Believing in its existence.
- Not believing in its existence.
- Being an mexican pig.
- Breathing in.
- Breathing out.
- Getting a DDP.
- Reading this list.
- Being afraid
- Blowing a burrito.
- Eating brains.
- Naming your child Louis.
- Naming your child Jesus
- Naming your daughter Tatiana.
- Having a dog named Raven.
- Having a white laptop.
- If you cried the last day of school.
- Having a mom that speaks with an accent
- Having a name that begins with B, R, T or an inverted exclamation point.
- Listening to Taylor Swift,High School Musical, Lady GaGa or The Pussycat Dolls.
- Wearing a moustache and a sombero and being called shirly
- Yellow pee
- Blogging
- Editing
- Singing Mexican songs
- Appritiating Mexican culture
- Listening to Mexican music
- Speaking with words that end with o
- Wearing tightee wightees
- Tap dancing
- Being in 739 (Scarborough), or 457 (Farnborough) Squadron Air Cadets
- Messing with them
- Not careful with pork products
- Touch every square inch
- If you were caught eavesdropping near them
- If you don't take prescription pills
- Being near the gay Will Cook...
- Having brown shit
- Being Stephan Malone
- Blowing Miss Reid
- Making love to a Taco
- Sodomizing yourself with a taco
- Making my software turn to hardware
- Existing
- Wanking over George McCarthy's MILF
- supporting Man Utd
- Voting for Ralph Nader
Top 10 Ways to tell if you have swine flu from an expert
10. You suddenly feel an urge to receive a blow job from a pig. 9. You have the swine flu 8. You are either an American or a human being, or a reincarnated human being, or a living thing, or an object. 7. You suck dick 6. The above was not a symptom rather a personal attack on you, you stupid cunt 5. You seem to have hair growing on your face 4. You discover two lumps and a dragon hanging from your midsection 3. You find a mysterious hole between your ass 2. You have peperroni shaped objects upon your manly breasts or female breasts 1. Bite my lip
Symptoms
The following a list of the symptoms of Swine Flu. If you develop any of these symptoms you must convert to Catholicism and continually conduct corporal mortification until God has deemed you forgiven. Or dead.
- Loss of (sexual) appetite.
- You develop a bizarre fetish for swine.
- You start to resemble Ellen DeGeneres, Jade Goody, Elton John or Roseanne Barr.
- You start to act like Ellen DeGeneres, Jade Goody, Elton John or Roseanne Barr (or worse, all four!)
- You start thinking Jerry Seinfeld is a good actor.
- You start speaking Spanish.
- The contents of the bin (trash can) suddenly become appealing to you.
- You begin to believe mud wrestling isn't just for hot women after all.
- You become familiar with Mexican culture.
- You become a Atheist and think Canada is a good country.
Normally, according to the reliable World Health Organisation, there is approximately 3-4 days between the first sign of swine flu appearing, and any serious illness. According to the Daily Mail, it is 3-4 seconds, and this has led to a large proportion of the British population believing that swine flu acts as such. So if you have swine flu, you will most likely enter the following process before you die, much to the entertainment of any bystanders watching:
- Coughing (duration: 3 seconds)
- Realising what this could mean (duration: 2 seconds)
- Keeling over (duration: 1 second)
- Dramatic utterance of last words (duration: 2 seconds)
- Death (duration: ∞ seconds)
Prevention
The following are the only known methods to prevent being infected by Swine Flu, as issued by The Who...
- Play your music really loud, especially if it's a copy of 'Magic Bus', 'My Generation' or 'Endless Wire'.
- Panic and run around in circles waving your arms screaming "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM SWINE FLU!"
- Wrap yourself in a protective layer of raw chicken. You might catch bird flu from this, but who's taking chances here?
- Lock yourself in a nuclear bunker for 7 years.
- Move to Madagascar while its harbour is still open, as it says in Pandemic 2.
- Immediately shoot anyone you suspect of having caught the virus, regardless of whether they actually have or not. It is best, after all, to stay on the safe side, plus you can use this excuse to pick off people you don't like.
- Cover your eyes - swine flu can't see you if you can't see it!
- Cover your ears and shout "La la la la la..."
- Stop, drop and roll.
- Infect yourself with a different kind of flu, thus letting other flu viruses know that your territory has been marked.
- Kill yourself before swine flu does.
- Turn off your damn TV.
- Apply to become a crew member aboard the International Space Station, so you can point and laugh from the safety of outer space as the world below you dies. Remember, in space, viruses can't get you, unless they followed you onto the space station in which case there is no escape from them.
- Never, ever, ever wash your hands. Your water might be infected.
- AIDS.
If all else fails, cross-breed yourself with a pig, or better yet, force someone else to do it. This will produce offspring born with a biological antidote. As soon as you have extracted the antidote, kill the hybrid animal immediately as it will probably look fuck ugly. Once again the world hates Mexico.
You can also help people around you avoid the disease by suddenly, without warning, dousing them from head to toe in highly corrosive acid. This will burn away any viruses that may have been on their skin beforehand. It will also, unfortunately, burn away a good portion of the skin itself, if not reduce the entire person to a pile of sludge on the floor. However, many scientists agree that the pros to this method outweigh the cons. Also, nobody who has undergone the process has said anything bad about it.
If you do contract swine flu do not contact a doctor as they are in bed with the pigs who are infecting you, instead spare yourself the treachery and take a silver bullet between the eyes, if you know a loved one or preferably a hated one with swine flu shoot them immediately and then devour the body. If you come in contact with a pig, immediately take thirty-eight tetnis shots in your genitalia and then brutally rape the pig, which should be swiftly followed by a violent masturbation session.
Possible Advantages
- Emo: Swine Flu may be of great use to those who want to commit suicide but don't have the balls to use any original means.
- Military: training of recruits so that they may understand everyone is the enemy.
- Pig Buggerers: They could claim that their deviancy is merely a search for a cure.
- Jews: It may be used as evidence that their ancient, barbaric religion is correct, as opposed to all other ancient, barbaric religions.
- Muslims: Justify allah prohibition of eating pork & slaying for pigs with their owners.
- Swine: More swines alive including you, you swine.
- Everyone: Why live the rest of your life in fear of death when you can catch swine flu and end it now? Or you can drink pig jizz and be cured!
And Finally, A Word From Our Doctor
As a doctor, I am often asked, "Do I have swine flu?" My answer is always the same - no. In fact, what you have is a sub-type of flu called Bore Flu or Borus Tediossissimus Normalis, to give it its full medical term. This disease occurs when a patient becomes exposed to a newspaper report from say, the Daily Mail or the Daily Express detailing the symptoms of Swine Flu. The patient is quickly overwhelmed by the contagious, disease-ridden propaganda and subsequently becomes a colossal bore by detailing to everyone around them how they have Swine Flu, in a frequent and paranoid fashion, when this is simply not the case.
This may cause intense drowsiness in all whom come into contact with the infected person and in some extreme cases, this can prove terminally dull.
If you think you have Bore Flu, you are advised to stay at home and be quiet - "Nil by Mouth".
See also
- THE NEW PLAGUE?!?!!!!
- Avian Flu
- Amy Swinehouse
- Natalie Porkman
- Sir Francis Bacon
- Death
- Man flu
- Bird Flu
External links
- If you've written enough uncylopedic information for one day, please give Jimbo Wales a hand by editing his version of the story at http://flu.wikia.com, then return here refreshed! But beware - it's not under an NC license and he doesn't want any porkies!!
