Swindon
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“Imagine, if you will, being bummed by a rabid bulldog with aids while it bites your crotch and shits all over you. Swindon's like that, only you probably wouldn't enjoy it as much.”
~ The Tourist Board on Swindon
“"What is it like being dead?" - "Have you ever been to Swindon?”
Swindon, is a large roundabout in the British county of Wiltshire (or Wiltshite) in South-West England. It lies close to the busy M4 motorway, one of the most unpleasantly busy roads in the area. This proximity continues Swindon's historical association with rapid transport links, an association which is widely regarded as one of its prime advantages, allowing, as it does, rapid egress from the place in a wide array of directions.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Antiquity
The Irrepresent tossers that fill this depressing town are quite frankly the scum of the earth (and i'm talking from experience.) and here is a quick walk-through guide on how to counteract these damned souls. First, if one of these stinky tramps approaches you in the streets, don't panic, just say a sentence that does not contain a swear word, or the word "init" and they will be stumped. So just stay calm, try and talk them out of it - whatever they are attempting to do, eg: "rob you up". "do your bitch". "tax you up real good". - all these are very avoidable situations. Also seeing as all these "chavs" have avoided vitamins and decent energy sources, you can easily out run them. Remember, whoever you are (unless you're french), you are better than anyone living in swindon.
During pre-Roman times the present site of Swindon is believed to have been part of a peat bog which occupied most of North Wiltshire. This goes a long way to explain its absence from the historical record.
The Romans drained the bog, built settlements, summoned the leaders of the local tribes, and told them (in Latin, of course) "Et nunc, reges, intelligite, erudimini, qui judicati terram", which roughly translates as: "Knah wha I mean?, Doin' me 'ed in, Look at my face, Awrigh mayte". As soon as the Romans were out of the way, the leaders reverted to the local customs of cider drinking and masturbation in front of images of local goddesses, and before long civilisation was nothing but a hungover memory. (Though a memory which persists to the present day.)
The first recognisable quasi-human settlement of which we have more than the foundations was built by refugees from Bath who scavenged the midden heap which had accumulated at the site. In fact the name Swindon is a corruption of "Swine Dun" or "Pig Hill", so named because later inhabitants, seeing the remnants of the crude buildings, believed them to be pigsties.
[edit] The Industrial Revolution
The fortunes of the town changed greatly during the Industrial Revolution as it was at the confluence of two major canals. These new avenues of travel brought in a higher class of itinerant wastrel, and the expanding population thrived on the ever-increasing quantities of waste which accumulated as a result.
The next chapter in the sordid tale of Swindon came when the pioneering venture capitalist Isengard Kingston-Blythe Balthazaar Brunel III chose it as the source of the unskilled labour force he needed to tear up the countryside in preparation for his new railway. Once Brunel fully appreciated the native wit and intelligence of the natives, he brought in immigrants from Ireland and Norfolk to increase the average IQ to the point at which he was able to built his locomotive engineering works. The quality of the work turned out at Swindon explained why, from the 1950s on, the British railway network functioned with trains that were able to run at half the speed of those on the Continent. The final locomotives turned out at Swindon were able to reach speeds in excess of 100MPH in a mere 5 seconds, provided the cliff was high enough.
[edit] The second industrial revolution
In the second Industrial Revolution, Soichiro Honda (Lifetime Mayor by Conquest) closed the Locomotive Works, turned out the entire workforce, and brought in a small army of humanoid Japanese robots to make motor cars on the site. This, with crack dealing and topless modelling, constitutes the main economic activity of modern Swindon.
[edit] C virus infestation
Worthy of note also is the rapid viral spread of the horrific C (chavism) virus that has within the last two years torn its way through swindon and the surrounding borough's,Although not fully understood how it was this mutant form of rabies came to be in swindon, it is believed it may have spread through sexual transmission originating in magpies, thus leading to the insatiable appetite for the shiny metallic objects that adorn the Alpha males in the populace.
Martial law up until three months ago had ensured the quarantine of the potent foreign mutation until calls from C virus infected lawyers and local mp's ensured a bill of chav rights, thus for the time being halting military aggression towards the infected.
Meanwhile all local schools have closed their doors to new students and immediate restrictions have been put into effect against contact between the uninfected and c virus positive individuals. Scientists are working now to determine resident goths immunity to the virus and it is believed these few individuals centered around blue banana may be humanity's last chance...
"yes blud ima swindon gangster. haa dis site is wasteeeeeeeee. itz long man reppin WSY brap brap."
This is clearly an infectee of the C-Virus, as shown by lack of coherent speech. The best method of ridding the virus is severe trauma to the neck or head, best inflicted with a sharp axe.
Swindon action against the C virus is rapidly dying, and chavs are being found on almost every corner, listening to n-dubz and raping grandmothers. what has the world come to, stupid magpies and their stupid sexytime. It is CRUTCIAL that if you see a chav in the swindon area, you walk up towards them, stare at them, nod your head and say 'NO'. Their small minds will easily be confused, and they will go and die in a hole, whilst trying to put a hat on INCORRECTLY.
[edit] Areas
The local council have very helpfully ensured that the worst areas of Swindon all start with a 'P'. Pinehurst, Penhill, and Park North/South are fine examples of chav-run depressed areas of the city. These areas are to be avoided by the casual tourist at all costs.
If you are interested in gang warfare, Friday night Wroughton and some special days in eldene does provide the best place to get stabbed, muuged, shanked and mashed all at the same time. Some members of the local public have already experienced such event . . .
[edit] Culture
One fascinating feature of hard core Swindonians is their ability to defend to the death any attack on their beloved Swindon. The local newspaper briefly ran a 'Swindon, and Proud Of It' campaign to encourage locals to 'wear the band' to represent all that is good about Swindon. The campaign has all but died, probably due to lack of support. Then again, it might just be that after thinking for a while on the good things about Swindon, the best thing anyone could come up with is "we aren't French".
Another event of great significance to the indiginous population of Swindon would be the annual Wroughton Carnival - located in the nearby village of Wroughton nonetheless. This includes an afternoon of children throwing coins at people standing on trailers pulled by tractors, and then the competition to see who can pass out from excessive alcohol consumption in the evening. Only the lucky few would not get harrassed by one of the local 'badmen' on this night of nights.
[edit] "The Mul-tie"
The 'Multi-Racial cr3w' consist of about 20-30 Ridgeway School chavs that 'rep up' the nearby village Wroughton and the surrounding SN1/SN4/SN5 postcodes including the ghetto that is Wanborough. The Multi are made up of white kids who think that they are black, blacks, some asians and a self declared 'ginger one'. The latter was referred to as a disease by a colleague.
Many of their antics include:
- Destroying soap despensers.
- Scoring Year 9 girls or boys if your that way inclined.
- Getting 'mashed'.
- Smoking outside/inside school.
- Stealing packets of crisps from local supermarket chains.
The Multi have their own language that they can only understand. The main words consist of:
- Brap - Mating call
- Innit - a word meaning "I'm gay"
- Bo - Another mating call, but this is used for their "biatch"
- Bruv - Meaning brother
- Blut - Another attention-seeking noise
- Bare - Meaning "big" or "a lot"
The multi have their own signature walk. They have one hand clutching their pelvic area, they also walk exaggerating the movement of their shoulders thus achieving a look that is difficult to tell apart from that of an ape.
[edit] Public transport
- The wonderful local transport, thamesdown transport LTD is partly owned by the council, the drivers are pleasantly obnoxious, scruffy and downright rude, the most popular routes are notoriously known as the number 17, scumbag run, which runs through 3 of the notorious "P" names, AKA, park north/south and penhill. For a single fare of £1.60 you can see the delights of these fabulously scummy areas, but please have hard hats and stab-proof vests at the ready, as these routes are one of the busiest, full of chavs and grannies, you may not be able to find a vacant seat on one of these buses, due to the penhill teenage preggo 12 year olds and their double buggy's, grannies with their four-by-four trollies, smack heads, drug dealers and knife wielding hoodies. if you do decide to visit the penhill area, be sure to pop in to the local pub, "The Deer's Leap" But if in doing so, please insure, you have a registered NHS dentist, that can repair your teeth at short notice. providing they are not taking the hobbits to Isengard
- The main means of transport for the underaged are Mopeds. These hair driers on wheels feature an L plate and, most probably, a dickhead riding it.
