From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Swedish language is a minority language of Sweden spoken only by Saint Petrus Bistertafel. It is generally considered unsound and a point of controversy for the habitants of Sweden as well as the users on Wikipedia. It's also said to be the Ugliest language ever ffs - by the inhabitants themselves, showing typical Swedish modesty. They also rightly consider Danish to be even uglier. (no-one want to speak a language that make you sound like you are throwing up all the time) The official languages of Sweden are naturally bork, Finland-Swedish and the Scanian language. BORK BORK
Hej, hur mår du? Translates to Hi, how are you?
When August Strindberg created Swedish, he decided to add two neutral genders of pure evil. The indefinite articles of those are "en" and "ett". When you say a Swedish noun, you HAVE to know whether you should use "en" or "ett". Otherwise, you are classified as a retarded hippo. The tricky part is that there is no rational way of telling which word you should use. This enforces you to learn every Swedish noun by agonizing, night-long studies.
You say: Ett drink? (An drink?)
She answers: Ta och sug en valross bröstvårta, din äckliga lampa! (Go suck a walrus' nipple you, disgusting lamp!)
You say: En drink? (A drink?)
She answers: Gärna! Sex? (Yes please! Sex? (this could also mean 'six', making picking up girls in Sweden very difficult))
"en" and "ett" originate from a gender system similar to German. In Viking-age Old Swedish, there were four genders: man, woman, castrate and gay. These were merged to just en "transsexual/androgynous" and ett "gay neuter".
- 1 This has however given birth to the word Ettrig (Ett-rig). When the man still wants to buy the lady a drink (have sex) and refuses to give up despite the blond "fjortis" female best efforts to rid herself of the retarded hippo he is considered to be ettirg. Ettrig is however now a word used to describe people that are to stupid to give up and in the end win by a miracle, or by bribing people. For example, George Bush is often refered to as "Bush the ettrig" in Sweden.
The prosody of the Swedish language is marked by a diffused use of the sje-sound, a sound not used in any other language, and allegedly so diffused it is not even used in the Swedish language. In any case, the definition of the sje-sound is yet to be decided, so far the only conclusion drawn is that it is hard to pronounce. Partly so because it is undefined. See, for example, Ladefoged for a longer discussion on whether the sje-sound should be wholly eliminated from the modern language or not.
Unusually, all syllables are stressed. This is quite natural because every Swedish speaker naturally assumes that everything he says is important and should be stressed; also, all syllables are equally important and none should be discriminated against. Also, the tone of every other second syllable is low, almost growling, while each other syllable is high, in the castrate frequency band. The higher the variation, the more manly it sounds. Swedish speakers deny that this would sound funny, except in Finland-Swedish, where no tones are used. In other words, Swedish sounds like Norwegian spoken by a Thai with a Hindi accent who was raised in Germany, with lots of tongue-rolling. And ABBA.
edit Grammatical Features
Swedish grammar was first described in the Tolkappiyam, an ancient manual of the Tamil language, that dates from the 1997AD when Ulrika Jonsson was imported to Britain.
Swedish distinguishes two genders, that is 'good' and 'bad.' Most nouns not agreeing with the current Prime Minister are marked as bad, while those who agree are marked as good. Thus a speaker of Swedish has to re-learn what gender belongs to what noun every now and then.
'Bad' nouns takes the suffix -evil while 'good' nouns take the suffix -nice. Plural in Swedish is formed by adding über- to the word. For example, übersocialdemokratevil means "Social Democrats".
Swedish verbs are discriminated by the Current Head of Sentence, and thus, they're all marked with the insulting suffix -a. What actually happens when a verb is conjugated is that it rises and fights the rest of the sentence, taking on the ending -bruce lee. To form the future or the past tense, simply put gissa vad before the noun (it means "guess what").
edit Phrases in Swedish
- "Sug kuk" = Hello there.
- "I dig" = In you.
- "Spelar roll" = Whatever (literally: Does matter).
- "Tonårsmutantninjasköldpaddor" = Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- "Farfar, får får får? Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm." = Paternal grandfather, do sheep have sheep? No sheep don't have sheep, sheep have lambs.
- "Vart tog vägen vägen? Vi åker på en åker." = Where did the road go? We are driving in a field.
- "zoooordning" = disorder at a zoo (theoretical, as disorder does not exist in Sweden)
- "Sex laxar i en vaxad laxask." = Six salmons in a waxed salmon box.
- "Jättebra!! " = "Vad sa du" are two common phrases that yet contains half of Swedish. It is interesting how Swedish use this "Vad sa du" which means "What are you talking about" so often. As we know phrases give the culture of nations, one can easily understand how Swedes can not understand eachother, and since they do not understand each at all, finally they are getting tired of asking "Vad sa du", the easy way is to use "Jättebraaa" which means , "very good". 'Precis!! is also a common word for Swedes, which means "Exactly".
- "I ån ä en ö, å i ön ä en å" = In the river is an island, and on the island is a river
- "Sju söta sjösjuka sjuksköterskor seglar med segelskepp till Shanghaj" = Seven cute seasick nurses sail on a sail ship to Shanghai.
- "Hon säljer snäckskal nere vid kusten." = She sells seashells down by the seashore.
- "Det är toppen på toppen." = It's great on the top.
- "Som tur var var vår vår vår" = Luckily our spring was ours.
- "Yxboxxboxbyxa" = Axe box Xbox pants.
- "Smörgåstårta" = Fuck.
edit Other useful phrases
- Förstör alla robotar! = Destroy all robots!
- Vad hände medan vi sov? = What happened while we slept?
- Får jag slicka ditt sår? = May I lick your wound?
- Jag har en rutten fågel i väskan så jag alltid kan känna lukten av död. = I have a rotten bird in my bag so I always can smell the scent of death.
- Vi skall överkomma, ty Gud är på vår sida. = We shall overcome, for God is on our side.
- Nej, apor är inte blå, men jag har en säl. =No, monkeys are not blue, but I have got a seal.
- Vår flotta är snart funktionsduglig. = Our fleet will soon be operational.
- Du är inte inloggad, överväg att registrera ett konto om du inte vill att din IP-adress ska loggas i den här sidans ändringshistorik. = You are not logged in, consider registering for an account. If you don't, your IP address will be recorded in this page's edit history.
- Jag tvättar mig själv med en trasa på en pinne. = I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
- Hunden är i ugnen. = The dog is in the oven.
- Stanna annars skjuter jag! = Stop or I'll shoot!
- Här stannar vi och röker tobak. = Let's stop to smoke some tobacco.
- Du är för dålig för att kasta sten. = You are too bad to throw rocks.
- Åh nej, inte Sagan om de Bannlysta! = Oh no, not the Tale about the Banned!
- Läderlappen = The Leather Patch , Swedish translation for "Batman"
- Kan du läsa det här, försvinn från min tomt! = If you can read this, get off my lawn!
- Regeringen tvingar dig att ta munspelslektioner. = The government is forcing you to take harmonica lessons.
- Jag vill älska med din systers förstfödde son. = I want to make love to your sisters first-born son.
- Inga-lill, snälla. Sitt ner när du bajsar = Inga-lill, please. Sit down when you're taking a dump.
- Göm ölburkarna under mattan = Hide the beer cans under the carpet
- Jag har ingen son = I have no son
- Gräshopporna frodas i Skånes ökenlandskap = Thanks for the food
- På små kullar i solen ligger några öron = You're welcome
- Gifte du dig med en danskjävel? = May I present you my sick dance moves?
- Vill du hångla? = Wanna go on a date [with me]?
edit Swedish Insults List
If you ever come to Sweden, you probably don't want to be unprepared! This list will teach you the basic insults of the Sweden Language! (Work in progress)
- Vilket parti röstade du på i riksdagsvalet?=Which party did you vote for in the parliamentary elections?
- Din mamma är en brödrost* = "Your mother is a toaster".
- Dö, ditt äckliga svin! = "Die, you filthy bastard!"
- Du är ful! = "You are ugly!"
- Din mamma är ful och din pappa är ondskan själv! = "Your mom's ugly and your dad's evil inpersonated!"
- Må lopporna från tusen kameler hemsöka ditt könsorgan= "May the fleas from 1000 camels haunt your genitals"
- Du är en bajs(korv) = "You are a poop" (Use only when talking to children under the age of 9)"
- Hur mycket får du i lön?=What's your salary? (May insult anyone born 1980 or earlier)
- Jag kommer att knulla dina inälvor = "I'm going to fuck your guts"
- Du din lilla rackare = "Why you little rascal"
- Ta mig i röven = "Take it my ass"
- Sug min kuk = "Suck my cock/dick"
- Hyperneuroakustiska diafragmakontravibrationer = "Hiccup" (this one is true, honest to god)
- Jag är lugn som en filbunke = "I want to fuck you over, man"
- Åh, men gud, din ettriga jävel... = "Oh god, you (ettrig, refer to en/ett section) asshole, I will give in and pleasure you with various parts of my body just because you keep nagging me and we swedes can not stand ettrig persons..."
- Du har inte deklarerat variabeln! = You haven't declared the variable!
- Kom hit ska du få en smäll så du flyger runt som en karusell i åtta timmar! = Come here and I'll give you an explosion so you'll fly around like a merry-go-round for eight hours!
- Stick annars så får du en tjottablängare mellan lysmaskarna så att du får åka pling plång taxi till plåsterhuset = 'Go away or you will get a "punch"(tjotablängare = a over the top way of saying a really hard punch) between your glow worms(eyes) that will force to go by pling plong taxi(ambulance or wambulance) to the bandaidhouse(hospital)!
- Slicka damm= Lick dust. (May also mean crouch)
- Du ser ju ut som något valrossen klämt ut!= You look like something the walrus squeezed out.
- Men din helveteskuksugarköttbulle!=For fucks sake you fucking cocksucking meatball!
edit "Din mamma"
"Din mamma" is the loveliest compliment you can give to a Swede, IF he/she is from the 'Hood', is 'tanned' even in the winter, listens to names like Mohammed or Dejan, or simply is too cool. (The REAL Swedes on the other hand, those who drink coffee Latte, will just be confused and think you speak "Stockholmska".)
The translation would be:
"I love you so much but I shouldn't thank you for being like you are, I should thank your mother and I say this to transfer my love to her."
The word "och" is mainly used by teenagers or other people that havent fully developed their linguistic capabilities. "Och" is often used when no other word comes to mind, telling the other person that one does not fully understand or that one can not respond in any other way.
The really tricky part is that "och" can also be used to describe that one agree, that one are happy or that one does not like the taste.
- Do you think that the swedish word for hiccup is way to hard to pronounce?
- Och? (In this case meaning, "what the fuck man... I have no idea how we started talking about this")
- Do you like this burger dude?
- Och. (In this case meaning, "Yeah, whatever, I still think Burger King is better than McDonalds... dude")
- How do you feel?
- Och. (In this case meaning, "My girlfriend just dumped me and I am way too wasted to respond in any other way...")
Och and tourists.
Most tourists visiting Sweden do not know that they are fully entitled to use the word "och". There is no shame admitting that you are unable to fully understand the Swedish language, because no one really does. So, when in Sweden, use the word "och" as much as possible when interacting with the local population. This will make you look less stupid and will get you liked and respected in the Swedish community.
edit Long Words
In the Swedish language there are no rules for how long a word can be. You can go on and on and on and on forever without breaking any actual rules. Those long words are barely ever used though, which means those Swedish people have made it impossible to tell which word is the longest one in the world. An example of going on forever: Fotbollsmålvakttränarskomaterialtillverkarleverantörarbetsgivare... This far, the word is someone who employs the people who delivers material for those who make shoes for goalkeeper coaches. Unneccesary word, right? And it's by far not the longest.
edit Swedish Language variants
There is an old Swedish language called überdalmål. It follows a distinguished pattern:
Bork! BORK! bork bork bork.... BORK! BORK BORK! [...]
It should be noted that the überdalmålevil is speaked with enormous tone-variation. Impossible to understand if you are not aboriginal.
There is an ugly swedish language called stockholmska.
Also there is a variant called Skånska:
ARUELERÖLERUELELELERÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! ARULERULERUU! RÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! HÖWÖWÖRÖHÖRÖWÖÖÄÖ! [...]
Sounding almost like a severely handicapped talking Klingon.
The Swedish spoken by the Swedish speaking Finns is only understood by the Swedish speaking Finns of Finland. This results in a misunderstanding what Swedish really is. As an example of the language:
HITCHE O HEDE JE SHENNAR O KVA HAND NU?
Note that only a Swedish speaking Finn would understand this. Please note though, its pitch doesn't change from screaming to talking lowly every syllable, making it easier to listen to. But not to understand.
edit Get a Life!
Swedish people usually have a need to be normal, exactly in the middle and not taking a stand against anything. That's why they made the word "lagom" which basically means not too much, not to little, not too big, not too small, not too... basically, just in the middle, or at least not too far from it.
"Hur långt är det?" = How far is it? "Lagom långt" = Not too far, not too short.
"Hur mycket fläsk vill du ha?" = How much pork would you like? "Lagom mycket" = Not too much, not too little.
- Giddens, Anthony Sociology, 2002
- Thatcher, M, How I Conquered Sweden and Other Stories of Success, 1996
- Sögaard, R, Don't Put Hair in my Food, 2001