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“And I thought I lived in a shithole.....”
“You Jack Bastards”
Swansea (Derived from the Latin Swan: Town and Sea) (Welsh: Abertawe) is the second biggest village in Wales. The name "Swansea" has nothing to do with Swans, or vikings called "Swaine". The town is a crown dependecy of Cardiff.
Much like Australia, Swansea was founded in 1706 for the sole reason of housing expelled convicts from Cardiff. This new settlement was declared Cardiff, Jr. in 1708.
The present name derives from 1872, when an Englishman was visiting Wales, and asked a Swansea man what the big noise he could hear was. Being a kind Welshman, old Taff showed him Swansea football team playing. "It's Swans, see?" (hence Swansea).
Swansea went missing in 1945; not even Jesus cared.
Unfamiliar with the dialect, the name "Swansea" stuck ever to this day. Swansea Football Club have recently moved across Swansea into the new Liberty Stadium nearer to the slums where the majority of their supporters live, as many supporters were unhappy at the number of rats there were to consume in dustbins in and around the Vetch Field. Recently, biological studies have shown that some "native" Jacks are actually descendents of the notorious Vetch Field Rats.
Swansea was made famous in 1997 by the documentary film Twin Town, but only to its own townspeople. The rest of the country didn't watch it, and was a bit too high brow for Merthyr and Rhymney. Swansea also shares with Rotherham in Yorkiebarshire the distinction of being twinned with itself. This is in honour of the high levels of inbreeding that occurs withing the shanty town. Its illegitimacy rate of 7.24% is among the highest in Western Glamorganshire. However, it does claim the highest illiteracy rate in the European Union at 45.2% of all adults.
As quoted in the Swansea Blockbuster's 'Twin Town' (colloquially referred to as 'Ew knows that film Dave's mate's brother's BT van was in'), Swansea is a "pretty shitty city." Empirical evidence later proved this statement to be a mere 33.3% accurate, as Swansea is in fact shitty, but a town. However, this was overlooked as the spelling was alright.
By year 2000, 26% of Swansea households had indoor toilets, though many people chose to use the extra space to hoard stolen goods instead.
The Swansea economy is based on the DVLA office, Rossi's chip shop and sales of Bonnie Tyler memorabilia, who is actually from Skewen. Swansea people who can read and write are encouraged to seek a career at the South Wales Evening Post newspaper, and at least 12 locals have crafted a successful career there delivering newspapers. The newspaper is very well respected in the community, giving the population something to look at through its very effective use of stock photographs and dazzlingly created advertisements for pile cream, fad diets, retail sales, and frozen food. In its 350-year history, at least one editor has held Welsh nationality.
Contrary to popular belief, the use of the British pound was outlawed due to local complaints that 'paper money' couldn't be used to roll a fag, and 'jingly money' was constantly being confused with their Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, thus making locals 'spin out'. The town has now reverted back to its traditional currency of Job-seekers' Allowance.
Local politics are very complex and to some extent hold the community back. Confusingly, English nationalism is popular, and locals simply refuse to watch Wales soccer games. The BNP and National Front are the parties of choice for many disenfranchised non-working class youth, a political dynamic which is very hard to understand for outsiders. Local politicians usually raise their campaign funds from the heroin trade.
Entrepreneurialism is alive and well in Swansea, with many choosing the route of self employment. Drug dealing, theft, poaching, prostitution, begging and arse-renting all prove to be very effective methods of avoiding the world of employment. Hunting and shooting is very popular. Shooting swans on the banks of the River Tawe provides entertainment and food for the populace.
Swansea is a good example of a thriving micro economy. Locals rarely venture far afield, with Tenby proving to be a popular summer destination. This restricts the circulation of fake bank notes, swelling the Swansea economy. 66% of Swansea GDP comes from ice cream and pop sales on the Gower Peninsular.
Ironically, the most popular drink in Swansea is Brains (actually made in Cardiff), which is better than any English beer. Local Legends also states that Swansea invented the Donner Kebab, until someone remembered Newcastle existed, and the first Kebab House was set up in Swansea in 1908.
The majority of the Swansea population lives in the Townhill/Mayhill urban concentration camps, a complex meandering no-go zone for emergency services, vistors, and people with an IQ above 27. This densely populated area, with its myriad dark threatening cul-de-sacs populated by lifeless people, has a unique cultural delicacy. It is the only part of the UK where the Christmas dinner consists of microwaved pigeon, crow, or seagull, festively adorned with oven chips and a hearty side dish of euro shopper tomato ketchup. Townhill/Mayhill is also unique in being the only part of the UK where the legal age of consent is 12. However this local law is often ignored, and shockingly many of the locals are having consentual sex with numerous family members by the age of 5.
The upper and middle classes generally feast on Indian and Chinese food, choosing from any of the six billion restaurants dotted around the city.
People from Swansea are often called "Swansea Jack-Arses" The famous poet, Dylan Thomas, hails from the town. Not contrary to popular belief, Swansea has some famous people. Catherine Zeta Jones and Tea-Cosy Pete (otherwise known as tea bag), a gentle endearing tramp, who was given the freedom of the town in 2001. But not Bonnie Tyler because nobody gives a shit about her any more.
Swansea has a unique bi-law stating that every person living in the town must have a mate who works at the DVLA or Sports Soccer and that he or she must be called 'Dai', 'Jonesy', 'Dai Jonesy', 'Dai Jonesy Booooy', or 'Genith'. This was designed to preserve the local culture of being able to speak in a whiney voice at the end of every sentence.
The most loved and worshipped citizen of Swansea was Jack the Dog, who rose to fame and goddom in 1864 when he noticed a sinking Cardiff vessel off the coast, which had been sinking for several hours and gone entirely unnoticed (or ignored). Misunderstanding the dog's attempts at communication as messages from God, the people of Swansea began worshipping the dog as a deity while the ship continued to sink. Frustrated, the dog swam out to sea to try and rescue the sailors himself, and was followed by the gathering cult, who once again mistook his intentions and attempted to destroy the sinking vessel. Jack the Dog himself died having rescued the Sailors single handedly, who were in turn killed by the vengeful cultists. He is generally recognised as the smartest creature to have ever come from Swansea. Even smarter than Sam Hamam. Sadly, the pub named after Jack has deteriorated in line with general social decay of the area and now plays a central role in the local dole bum trade.
Swansea is also home to the famous MTJ monster, which lives on the skulls and lungs of his victims. He is often seen eating animals such as bees and kangeroo testacles, it recently made an appearence on I'm a celebrity get me out of here and successfully completed the bug eating trial, it can regularly be seen chewing on a half a bee.
Jonathan Melvin Hughes, a Jack wannabe regularly undertakes a night on the tiles in Swansea with his work mates. He is a keen Swansea Town supporter and travels often with his alcoholic no-hopers to away matches. Highlights of away days include; A fit bird sat behind him once, swansea scored loads. Melv is often heard saying his catchphrase Fack off' which he so dearly loves. Other famous Swansea Town supporters include leader Tank, and Johnny the Directions from the notorious Swansea Youth football hooligan firm, who have terrified pensioners and small children up and down the country for a period 6 months, before getting lost somewhere in darkest, deepest rural Lincolnshire on their way back home from Nottingham. The swansea Youth featured in two youtube video's and were never seen at football matches after that, due to the terrible effect their violent reputation had on home crowds and visiting supporters. Swansea Town hooligans have earned a fearsome reputation over the years, most notoriously when hundreds of natives chased Cardiff Nursery School children into 6' of seawater, as the children desperately attempted to flee, naked, overweight & disease ridden. In a legendary encounter (forever embedded into Swansea culture in the glorious local chant "swim away", accompanied by swimming gestures from those Swansea locals who have more than one arm). This "swim away" success far eclipsed any result from sworn enemies the Cardiff C Cups, including the 1991 invasion by a Cardiff army determined to cause utter havoc from the time they arrived by train, ran amok out of the station, smashed up their own transport, ran riot before and after the match causing £6.63 pence worth of damage and completely destroyed their own fearsome hooligan mob reputation by being kicked in on the Kingsway. However, "Swim Away" always looms large in the memory of Swansea folk "as long as the Queen has a bum hole". The violent reputation of Swansea hooligans continued well beyond the 1990's with their involvement in the "Canton Mile" incident, where they were able to evade their rivals by running for hundreds of yards along the streets of Canton, before intervention by the Heddlu prevented the AR-Soul Crew (C Cups brigade of fat, bald old men with bigger teets than Jordan) from taking a severe beating.
Other documentary material about the joys of life in Swansea includes "Swansea Love Story", a gripping and gritty romance about addiction, depravity, and social exclusion in the Swansea slums, giving Canton people something to aspire to.
Mating season begins on Jan 1st and lasts till Dec 31st of each year. Swansea females generally prefer to mate with multiple males to increase chances of fertilization often not knowing which male impregnated her, which causes difficulties with the CSA. Nonetheless multiple offsping increases the females chances of a council slum and decreases the need for a job in the Penlan club. This way they don't have to go to Cardiff for 35th best. During mating Season a Swansea female wears brightly colored clothing revealing as much cellulite as possible to attract males. Wildlife enthusiasts can view these mating rituals on weekends and most weeknights in Wind Street and the Kingsway.
Swansea is renowed for the 2004 mass exodus of chavs from Cardiff to Swansea, when Cardiff decided to close all its newsagents and bus shelters, hence destroying their natural habitat. The Council responded by urging citizens to look up their local extermination firm in the Yellow Pages if a flock of chavs forms nearby. A chav can temporarily be paralysed by spraying Raid into its face, if this does not work then attempt to fend it off by switching the radio station from Kiss 101 to Nation Radio, and by brandishing stylish clothes which can drive them insane if you try hard enough. Cardiff Chavs are however a greater challenge. the only thing that really deters them is soap or Listerine which has a similar effect to garlic on vampires.
Due to a history of inbreeding and low migration levels, a high percentage of the population has mysterious disfigurements and ailments. Such as two eyes. Unheard of in the Capital. Here, many children are being born with six fingers, missing toes, mismatched eyes, and heavily disfigured ear lobes. They however are being "harvested" for the poor sods of Caerdydd who didn't have any / one large digit or toe. This trend is being rectified by encouraging heavy inward migration from Slovenia, Armenia and the Balkan States. However, protest groups complain about the poor health, terrible living conditions, low life expectations, disease, and poor moral standards. Swansea authorities are so far, completely stumped as to how to overcome these complaints from their European partners. The Europeans agree almost unanimously however that is better here than Cardiff and slightly better than Liverpool.
On the 27 May 2006, Swansea was nealy destroyed by a nuclear attack from Moldova. They missed due to the dodgy Sat Nav bought in Cardiff Market and £15 worth of damage was dealt to Splott and civilisation is yet to tell the difference. £1.5M however was supplied to Cardiff City Council due to the improvements it experienced in the nuclear fall out on the health and beauty of its fine townsfolk such as toothpaste, soap and Mum Roll on.
Swansea University was established in 1996 to cope with the sheer number of rejects from Cardiff University. Its students can not actually be found at the campus as they are too busy wandering from bar to bar in Wind Street or the Mumbles dressed up like they're going to a 5 year old's fancy dress party. The educational establishment has a strong reputation in the field of emerging technology, training students in the use of VHS recorders, Amstrads, record players, and has a fully equipped recording studio complete with eight track tape recording facilities.
Students leave their education fully prepared for all the trappings of modern life, able to successfully stick iPod earphones into their heads and effectively navigate a TV remote control unit within 48 hours. Each and every student aspires to switch to the bigger university in Swansea, which is of course ......
Swansea Metropolitan University, the bigger brother of Swansea University. Was founded way back when ancient Greece was just a pipedream. Despite being the largest University in the world, nobody knows where it is. It might not even exist. Students from far and wide beg to be enrolled.
Sightseeing in Swansea
The Big Apple - In 1998 Dai Jones brought the first apple to Swansea, marveling in its uniqueness the residents of Swansea planted in the ground in Mumbles. Patrons of Cinderella's in Mumbles began to urinate over the buried apple during nights out as a sign of respect. Due to the toxicity levels of their urine (almost pure heroin) the apple grew at an extraordinarily rate resulting in the 80foot high apple known today. Scientists from the US came to examine it and declared Swansea will be suffocated by 2013, however the rest of the world doesn't give a shit so nothing has been done.
Wind Street - (pronounced Wye-nd) is a local red light district slightly more upmarket than its predecessor The Kingsway. Local residents often come to the street to urinate and get impregnated in the alleyways between its numerous watering holes. Many call it the safest street in the whole city on a Saturday evening, which gives you an idea of how risky it is to even think of venturing onto other streets as the sky darkens.
The Libery Stadium - designed by Frédéric Bartholdi and dedicated on October 28, 1886. The stadium, a gift to the Swans from the people of France. Famously featured saving the day in Ghostbusters 2. Since 2011, a place for the plastic glory supporters, that are usually watching rugby, to come and cheer on the mighty Swans against Premier league opposition. This stadium, like everything else in Swansea, was built and is still owned by the local council.