Susan Boyle
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Born in Geneva in the late 1700s on a dreary night in November at the hands of Victor Frankenstein, Susan Boyle spent the next 200+ years known simply as "Frankenstein's Monster" or "The Creature". After finally catching and killing her creator at the North Pole Susan eventually moved to Scotland, near Loch Ness, giving rise to the popular myth of the water-dwelling monster. Resembling a cross between a 1970s Soviet premier and a haunted tree, Susan Boyle is an Angel trapped in the body of a hairy Scottish dinner lady. She shot to instant global fame recently by solving all of the world's problems with her rendition of I had a wet dream by Les Miserables. Because she has sung that song, nothing bad will ever happen ever again, ever. She has also begun a clandestine affair with George Dubya Bush. She was voted sexy lady in 2009 in both Scotland and Cuba. All voters have since been rounded up and shot.
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[edit] Performance
When the glamourous Susan first arrived on stage, everyone in the audience loved her and totally expected her to be an amazing singer. They were proved right. One of the judges, Pierce Brosnan, described it as 'An amazing performance! And you know what, I wouldn't mind giving that a good knobbing either'. He was promptly fired. Fellow panelist Amanda Hold'em called it 'the biggest wake-up call ever' (although technically she is incorrect, as that was actually The Great Wake-Up Call of Doncaster in 1943 where a giant alarm clock was used to simultaneously awaken a whole village)
The Susan Boyle story was one which proved once and for all that society's pre-conceived notions are always correct, and we should always judge a book by its cover. It was a wake-up call to all, everywhere, that only good looking people matter and how we as a society are heading in the right direction and are right to only care about materialistic things.
Mozart wrote for professional singers. It seems a joke that slow, sluggish Susan can just waltz onto the world stage with little talent, not to say charisma. I say it is time that we turn against this ametuer, far from being trained vocalist. It seems unfair that many classical vocalists train for years for perfection and Ms. Boyle just arrives on the scene whilst eating a jumbo club sandwitch. If Mozart knew this woman would become a singer, he sure would have written some woaful arias for her.
[edit] Music Career
After her dazzling performance on BGT, Susan's many new-found fans across the globe were eagerly anticipating her first album, hoping it to be a truly unforgettable masterpiece of classical hits all sung to perfection with her angelic voice. But rather surprisingly, she completely changed her whole lifestyle/image, opting instead to go down the 'gangsta' route.
In November 2009 she released her first album, Fuck All Y'all Bitch-Ass Hoes, which is rumoured to have a message of defiance towards her 'haters'. Asked to comment on the album, Susan simply implied 'Yeah, this album's to all those bitch-ass hoes out there who be hatin' on my steez, n'am sayin??? Y'all know who y'alls are. Y'all was all hatin on me in the beginning, but I let y'all bitches know. nahmean? I went up there on that stage and showed you mothafuckers who i be. It's Boyle in the house bitch!!! WHUT!!!!!!!!'
[edit] Trivia
- 'Susan Boyle' is an anagram of 'Anus Boyles', which is appropriate because it is a condition she has suffered from for many years.
- Susan stated in an interview that she had 'never been kissed'. While technically this is true, she does fail to mention the countless blowjobs she had to give Simon Cowell to get on the programme.
- INTERESTING FACT: If you go on Youtube, and in the search bar type in 'Susan Boyle ' followed by any letter in the alphabet, there is a whole drop-down list of suggestions for every single one (this is actually true!)
[edit] UK's Got No Talent Final
She was beaten in the final by a bunch of danceing robots - LOLZ FAIL!
[edit] Personal Life
She lost her virginally at the age of 75 to John Leslie when she raped him. She has also be linked to David Beckham, Tony Blair, Wullie from The Simpsons, Russell Brand, Tiger Woods, Stephen Fry, Simon Cowell, and La Toya Jackson. She orginally though La Toya was Michael Jackson only to discover that Michael had been murder, they do not have newspapers in Blackburn, Scotland. She is now in an open relationship with Katie Holmes and Michael's former doctor.
When the Tories get in, it is believed that David Cameron will pass emergency legislation to stop Gordon Brown from impregnating her with his spawn. Scientists claim that he is trying to do this to "perfect" his sister, as the culmination of Dr Frankensteins life work.
If her album flops, she will sell herself on ebay. If her album sells, she will paid Kevin Spacey $5,000,000 for sex and other sexual favours. So please for Kevin's sack, buy the album.
[edit] Hobbies
Her hobbies include
- Beating up children
- Black magic
- Killing her creator's fiancées
- Self pleasuring to the Pope
- Lurching around graveyards
- Impersonating Leonid Brezhnev
- Singing
- Modelling for Primark
- UFO spotting
- Appearing suddenly out of the water to dumb Americans with expensive cameras and too much money.
- Stalking Alex Salmond
- Supporting Celtic
- Shouting at cheese in Tesco
[edit] See Also
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