Surströmming

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SurströmmingOpen
An open can of Surströmming. The photographer died just as he took the picture, his skin instantly dissolving as though it had been drenched in sulfuric acid.

Surströmming is the fish equivalent of wine [1], however many countries prefer the more accurate classification of "large-scale biological weapon."

edit History

Ever since the Medieval period this has been the weapon of choice for egocentric sociopaths and/or hillbillies living in Sweden who evidently lost the ability to smell through backwards evolution. Early deployment in what is now called "Norrland" resulted in catastrophic contamination of the entire "state" where now only four people live per square mile.[2]

Estimations around 1-2 people per square mile survived in the disaster zones leaving scientists who have studied the potential weapon capabilities of this substance to declare it a "red zone creator." This means the area of total annihilation for any normal homosapien is half a mile wide and one mile long starting from the point of the first open can to one mile downwind. Currently, more extensive research is being conducted and early results are promising.

In 2010, many cans of Surströmming were falsely labeled as "herring drenched in hot sauce" and sent to the United States. One can opening caused over 1000 birds to fall dead from the sky in Arkansas. Other incidents claimed the lives of thousands of other animals. President Obama states the mislabeling is not believed to be terroristic in nature, but he is urging everyone to return all canned herring to the stores, until the FDA and the Pentagon can track down who is responsible for the mislabeling and personally administer a shellacking of the most painful caliber upon the culprit's buttocks.

edit Geographical impact

The initial impact on the population (around 20 people per square mile) was devastating with most people being driven to commit suicide before even trying to figure out what it was when the first cans were opened by curious buyers, none which survived the first encounter with the new product. The Swedish government was slow in recognizing this new public threat, but one unlucky person did. Its unclear when the accidents of curious consumers evolved into terrorist attacks by inhumane backward evolved "monkey-men" that lost the ability to smell due to them being dipped either in schnapps or possibly a horrific accident with a combine.

By the year 1450 the rebellious group De Bruterhood [3] had managed to establish the first few "Permanent Red zones" nearly wiping out entire communities before they could escape. Deaths began piling up into the millions and Norway rejected Swedish rule in fear that the "Surströmming" would carry over to Norwegian soil.

Entire states were erased from the face of the map and left was a void of hillbillies casually munching "Surströmming." Debaters to this day argue whether or not these hillbillies were even aware of the damage they caused. Thousands of miles of land is now abandoned and millions of lives were taken. Most of Norrland has turned into a hazardous zones.

edit Footnotes

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Surströmming.
  1. Stored away until old as hell and becomes unrecognizable so one can't tell it's actually rotten fish.
  2. Not taking into account the "pure" zones where small villages of much denser populations have survived by banning all fish until further notice.
  3. The brotherhood, but they had problems pronouncing it because of their genetic defects from incest and the fact that they ARE hillbillies without much education.
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