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Rape is giving sex to somebody who doesn't want it. Some believe that when a woman shows too much cleavage, or smiles at a man, or goes out in public, or breathes, or wakes up in the morning, she is asking for it. This is untrue, for if she were asking for it, it would not be rape.
American linguists disagree on the origin of the word 'rape'. As the story goes, Thomas "TJ" Jefferson was writing the lyrics to his soon-to-be-famous rap single, Get Liberty or Die Tryin, when he was interrupted by long-time rival Alexander "50 Pence" Hamilton. Hamilton remarked on Jefferson's affairs with his slaves, to which Jefferson replied, "How else am I supposed to be a hit rapist if I don't practice raping?" Hamilton didn't have the gall to point out Jefferson's mistake.
Other scholars say that the word is Middle English, deriving from the Latin rapa, a type of turnip. The turnip is known for its oil, "rapeseed," which is used as a spice in many foods and is well-liked for its salty flavor and thick consistency.
Legal status of rape
Rape is a crime in some backward parts of the world, and as such, the victim may be prosecuted for taking part in it and for consorting with a known criminal. The sentence for rape is usually having one's head cut off with a guillotine. Luckily, there are several legal loopholes that can be both fun and educational, especially for the victim.
In some jurisdictions, it isn't rape if the attacker shouts "SURPRISE!"; why it's no different from receiving any other birthday present you didn't ask for. Rape is also not illegal if the victim signs a blank check for sex beforehand to be filled out after they slip into unconsciousness or paralysis; this is because they cannot feel the rape occurring. Like a botched elective surgery, any and all legal liability is waved before the bruising, bleeding and fun has even begun. It is also not technically rape if the victim smiles past the tears and/or their wails of immense pain, humiliation, and lifelong trauma.
Raping minors is a particularly complicated legal issue. In the UK children can't be held legally responsible for their criminal actions until age ten, in the hopes they will get all the murder rape and thievery out of their system before puberty. Like clockwork, on their tenth birthdays children become sentient enough for jail, and those taking nude selfies on their cellphones can finally be charged as an adult for distributing child pornography of themselves made yesterday.
How to be raped
You can go to the "bad part of town", talk to Kobe Bryant, go to prison, or call me after I'm out of prison (218-936-8869). If you do not succeed the first time, try and try again. Getting raped takes practice, and most people do not get it right on their first try. If you are having trouble getting raped, try to contact your nearest plastic surgeon and ask for some silicon mouse pads to be shoved into your chest through your arm pits or to have your face frozen into an expressionless mask with botulism. If you are a minor you can just go into any adult chatroom and type "im 13 years old" or, again, call me (please do). If all else fails just move to New Jersey.
How to rape
- 1. Select your victim. Popular criteria include long hair, high heels, an air of vulnerability, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Be careful if your victim is a hitch-hiker, wearing a short skirt, drunk, promiscuous, or female, as under those circumstances she is asking for it, making rape impossible.
- 2. Using either force, deception, Rohypnol®, or ambush to take the victim to a secluded place as too many witnesses can ruin the romantic atmosphere. Popular spots are back alleys, grass verges, bushes, woods, your dirty apartment, the victim's apartment (for added trauma) or film studios with a live feed to the internet.
- 3. Establish a refusal. (Note: In some jurisdictions, only "absence of consent" is required. This can easily be established by not bothering to ask.) A clear refusal will ideally be accompanied by:
- 4. Rape the victim, by inserting either your penis, fingers, a mango, or other non-fruit foreign objects, into the orifice of your choice. Violence and jocular coercion are strongly recommended. Note that all orifices, including the nasal cavities, are fair game, as are all foreign objects, including broccoli, and therefore forcing kids to eat that crap legally constitutes rape. I hope you're reading, mom.
- 5. Congratulations! You have now committed a rape. It is now up to you whether you continue to imprison and rape your victim (proceed to #2), flee the scene of the crime, kill the victim and dispose of the body, or simply stick the kettle on and put your feet up as the tremendous bias of the judicial system against rape victims ensures that 95% of rapes go unpunished. Much like wounds inflicted during a boxing match, it can always be argued the victim just didn't have much respect for themselves or concern for their well being and was into some really hard core BDSM sex stuff, giving you their legal permission beforehand, and begging you for those traumatic injuries. Experts suggest filming all of your sexual encounters and posting them on the internet for peer review just to be extra safe. The camera will act as a criminal deterrent, much like how the installation of traffic cams prevents the types of dangerous crimes the police actually care about and investigate, such as driving with a broken tail light, which could potentially kill someone due to your selfishness, poverty and recklessness, unlike rape which is an honest mistake anyone could make. Lawyers also recommend constantly being drunk every time you are with someone, as unlike a DUI, being drunk is actually quite helpful from a legal standpoint and establishes you as an innocent victim who is relieved of having any legal responsibility for your inebriated actions. If however you've been drinking and get behind the wheel of a car to avoid being raped, it's still not a valid excuse and your drunk ass is going to jail for endangering the safety and well being of others.
Varieties of rape
Date rape is considered the most sincere form of flattery. The big problem with it is that first you need to have a date. Be sure to choose pitted dates because the other kind doesn't have a hole in it.
In the unlikely event that you should have a female date to work with, pay close attention to her body language and subtle nonverbal signals. For example, if she starts screaming, it's a good sign. She's enjoying herself! You'll have been careful to pick a secluded, romantic location, so nobody will be around to misinterpret her orgasmic wails as a cry for help. However, if your partner just gives you a wide-eyed stare, perhaps she's waiting for you to do some romantic foreplay.
- Main article: Statutory rape
Because statues rarely struggle or report incidents to the police, they are favored targets of rape. In fact, statutory rape may be the most common kind, and many people don't even feel like it's really even a crime, at least not if it's a really hot statue. But it is a crime that can cause grievous psychological damage against a population of statues that is completely defenseless and in need of our help.
Female/male statutory rape has less harsher punishment than a male/female statutory rape. This is either due to societal prejudice or just that the courts don't like people who drill holes into statues.
- Main article: Clint Eastwood's Mule
While mule rape can technically refer to any mule being raped by any person (or vice versa), the term is most often reserved for the special method of execution-by-sodomy-via-mule-phallus that Clint Eastwood saves for mule-haters. In fact, Mr. Eastwood has his own special name for this type of mule rape: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A typical human's anus and rectum can accommodate nothing larger than a small squash without tearing open and leading to extreme hemorrhaging in the lower intestine, which in turn leads to a slow and agonizing death by blood loss, shock, and/or blood-poisoning. The average mule's phallus is significantly bigger – at least the size of a large man's forearm. When inflicting his unique form of mule rape, Mr. Eastwood ensures that his mule sodomizes the victim until his or her guts are mush and the victim's death is certain. This horrible punishment's namesake comes from the fact that the rape process feels very good for the mule, horribly bad for victim, and is possibly the most ugly scene that bystanders will ever witness.
- Main article: Tentacle rape
Tentacle rape is any rape involving tentacles. These can be tentacles from octopi, squids, or Cthulhu. But more than likely you will be raped by a tentacle rape monster, which MonsterQuest finally proved the existence of in 2009.
If you’re a normal, healthy, rational human being, it would be best to avoid tentacle rape. Why? Well, your body may enjoy it, but you are obligated to at least verbally protest having your insides get rearranged by shuffling tentacles. The best way to avoid it is to not be a Japanese schoolgirl, as studies show that Japanese schoolgirls are disproportionately more likely to be tentacle raped than any other demographic. Tentacle rape is perhaps the safest form of rape as tentacles cannot transmit STIs, although make sure it's an actual squid, or else it might lay eggs inside your womb that will later hatch into a swarm of alien star spawn that eat their way through your remaining meat like a nutritious yoke. The most common long-term side-effect seems to be having your urethra, pubic hair and eyes pointlessly blurred or "covered" with a small censor bar whenever they are exposed.
Gang rape is rape committed simultaneously by multiple parties, formally called Gangnam Style. To disperse gang rape it is recommended that you have a basketball, otherwise you may end up with a cap up your ass. A nationwide PEW research poll revealed that statistically, 9 out of 10 Americans enjoy gang rape.
The most effective way to avoid being raped is to stay away from rapists. But how do you know what a rapist looks like? That's what we're here to show you. Here, hold this mirror. Now gaze deeply into the mirror, and tell me what you see.
You see a rapist. But how do you identify other rapists? It's easy.
- Is he a middle-aged male with a beer belly and the stench of stale Fritos? He's probably a rapist.
- Is he a male with irreversible facial disfigurement? There's a high probability that his free-time hobby is rape.
- Is he a male that slides up next to you at the bar and offers to enhance the flavor of your drink with his own special ingredients? Once again, he's most likely trying to rape you.
- Does he have a penis? If yes, he's a rapist. The penis is the tool of the trade.
- Is he a male that is actively raping you or someone else?
- Does he resemble that guy you saw on America's Most Wanted?
- Is he black?
- Is he unaware of the purpose of masturbation?
- Has he said things like, "BITCH I JUST WANT TO FUCKIN RAPE YOU!" while clubbing you in the face? If so, there is a 50/50 chance that he is a rapist with a 50% chance you are just at home playing online video games.
If you are being raped, the best thing to do is to blow your rape whistle. This will indicate to others that you are being raped. If you don't have a rape whistle, just shout "No! No! No!" until it's over with. The last thing you want to do is struggle and turn a simple rape into a murder.
It is very important that you know what to do immediately after being raped. Failure to properly follow these procedures could result in STD transmission, pregnancy, and clinical depression leading to suicide (which is sometimes fatal). You could even die. But if you follow our advice, the worst that should happen is a few days of mild irritation in the anal region. Before you follow these procedures, you have to be sure that you have, indeed, been raped. Because most rapes end with the supposed victim waking up in a dumpster with no memory of the last few days, it may be hard to tell. You can tell that you have been raped if you are:
- feeling numb and detached, like being in a daze or a dream, or feeling that the world is strange and unreal.
- having difficulty remembering important parts of the alleged assault.
- reliving the assault through repeated thoughts, memories, or nightmares.
- having anxiety or increased arousal around phallic objects (nuclear missiles, bald men, etc.).
- dripping semen from one or multiple orifices.
Just because all of these signs are present does not necessarily mean that you have been raped. All of these symptoms also occur after a night of heavy drinking. Check the dumpster for beer cans, hypodermic needles, or dead kittens. If you find any of these, then most likely you were not raped but instead had the best damn night of your life.
If you did not find any of these things, then you can be pretty sure that you were raped. Check into an emergency room immediately. Do not shower! This could wash away the rapist's cooties and make identifying him impossible. Most importantly, DO NOT inform the police for at least two weeks. Taking a short time to come to terms with your trauma and well-deserved sense of shame will help them to dismiss your case.
If somebody you personally know comes to you and confesses that they were raped or that they have raped someone, let them know that you believe them. Often, people reporting rape to their friends are met with skepticism or outright disbelief. Simply letting them know that you believe them and that you stand behind them is a great help. Don't call them a liar, or tell them that they're "just doing it for attention", even if they are. This will just be hurtful to their feelings, especially if you were the one who raped her.
Allow them to make his or her own decisions. It can be very tempting to "take over" for a while in an attempt to help them deal with the rape. If she doesn't want kisses on her bruises or "get well soon" sex, you should respect their wishes. It is important to remember that because of the rape, the survivor felt a loss of control over their life. Reestablishing that control is very important. I recommend role-reversal. Try letting her hold the whip while you're handcuffed to the bed for once. Try to defer to a survivor's decisions, even if they decide to let you make some decisions. If a survivor wants to talk, try to be an open listener. Telling her to shut up once the game comes on is acceptable, because not listening to your wishes could result in yet more rape. If they prefer not to talk about the assault then all the better for you!