Surfing
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“That damned kook dropped in on me, but I pearled and ate shit anyhow.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Keanu Reeves
“I used to surf, but then I realized it was snowboarding.”
~ Halsoft on Surfing
Surfing, or "That sport where you get on a stick and ride the surf region of the ocean", was invented by the ancient Hawaiians in God-knows when AD (an actual year, when everybody forgot what year it was and decided in the end to call it even and make the next year 0). Because the Hawaiian alphabet has only two letters at the time (A and B), it was also known as Babaabababbbabab by the Hawaiians. They tended to surf on extremely heavy planks of Hawaiian Koa and African Cock that floated into Hawaii as driftwood. However, this was not for any other practical reason that that they boards would have cracked otherwise under the Hawaiian's immense bulk.
==Origin== that picture is of anders frieden from in flames
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[edit] Invention of the Shortboard
Like all Pacific Islanders, most Hawaiians were fat, but there was an extremely skinny minority that were really good at Cross-Country that wanted to surf. There was only one other type of wood on the islands, and that was the aptly-named, Shortboard Tree. Hence the name of the style of surfboard created for the skinny Hawaiians. With this new board, Hawaiians could surf faster and with more agility.
[edit] James Cook and the European 'discovery"
When British explorer James Cook arrived in the kingdom of Hawaii in 1785, he discovered surfing. Or as the Hawaiians put it, they discovered white boys. James Cook was fascinated by this new sport, and, as he aptly put it "Muthafuckas love deir mudafuckin surfin!". Cook soon brought surfing to Britain, and from there, colonists would bring it into popularity all over the world (i.e. where they dumped their convicts as to not have them contaminate British the British population....
[edit] Invention of the cutback
When the British dumped a bunch of convicts in South Africa (a nation already infested with angry Boers and Zulus) they also dumped off a bunch of rich pricks. Thus, in Africa, surfing was not invented for practicality, as much as for survival. With the landmasses so overrun with crime, the elite fled on pieces of wood and fiberglass to escape to the only place where crime didn't exist: the ocean, (unless you went off the coast in Maputo, where you ran the risk of pirate attacks, but the waves suck there anyways). Africa was also where the cutback was invented, once again not for leisure as much as for practicality. Surfers in Cape Town would sit in the water, and watch in horror as seals and surfers were attacked by sharks. Surfers thought "Oh shit!! Now Ive got a fucking shark on my tail. I turned back into the foam to find the inevitable american attempting to snake me and it was born".
In Jeffreys Bay they discovered that Americans (Seppo's = septic tank = yank) were useful by bringing in money and could be used to practice muggings and hit & runs on at the same time.
[edit] Surfers and surf culture
Surfers attain legendary status among their peers not by contest results or advanced skills, but by having either a great nickname or great hair. A few legendary surfers are listed below.
- Sam Fallafa: Samoan ripper who could have gone pro if not for his poor balance.
- Joey "Earplugs" Collins: famous for wearing earplugs, and ignoring the lifeguard's whistle.
- Tom "The Birdman" Worthington: possessed a beak like nose and an arm flapping style.
- Reef "Surfy McSandbar" Thompson: Son of surfing parents, a child prodigy of the 80's ironically now an accountant in Ohio.
- Johnny "hows the waves": - known for asking how the waves are while standing on the beach or actually in the water. Experimented with other annoying ways to frame the question such as: what? waves?, any good ones?, was it better at low tide?
- Fred "one sticker" Bertlemann: Had the discipline and class to only put one surf sticker on his VW bus, a 2 inch T&C logo in the lower right corner of the back windshield.
- Old Guy: gray haired old man with a surfboard and serious skin cancer. Spends afternoons spinning tales of how the waves were better in the 70's, does not wear underwear.
[edit] South African Surfing
Lank weed,zamalengs,poes and backhand verts, bru. Dont come to kalk bay or ill stab you!
[edit] Australian Surfing
Same as South African surf culture but with way more fuckin'
[edit] California Surfing
California is home to the beach bum, or rather, according to people from New England, anybody who wears a flannel shirt, has a surfboard, or has sun-bleached hair. This means that approximately 76% of all Californians are beach bums. All Californians, however, know that this is fucking retarded and that most beach bums live in or around Los Angeles.
Malibu (or Melibu) is a famous town full of surfers and swimming pools and movie stars. Many movie stars have flocked here, tainting the hipster surfer image of the town, but in reality, the stars didn't choose to live here, but were dumped rather to get rid of them everywhere else. In Malibu, a pretentious sign greets the mass of tourists, proclaiming "twenty seven miles of scenic beauty" or rather in more blunt words "fuck you, look at what we have". Not all Melibuites are rich, but ever since Mel Gibson's October 2006 homecoming takeover of the school (when his son played like a total dick head and Malibu lost their own homecoming 28 to 0), the surfers have been relocated to Malibu West and Little Dume, while the tourists have overwhelmed the Zuma Beach that lies in between. There is a No Man's Land between tourist and local, in which only the stoned or retarded, (or Jewish under Mel's new decrees) enter.
By all accounts, Westward Beach is quite lovely.
[edit] Surfing in the Windy City
Chicago receives some of the best waves in Illinois, but the people are such fucking pricks, that most rarely venture there. For instance, although you'll find the occasional Persian (i.e. All of U.C. Irvine), the white residents of the county are the world's biggest assholes. They killed all the coyotes, so the rabbit population exploded, and then they killed the rabbits by poisoning them so their insides bled to death. They put up a nuclear-fucking-power plant in San Onfre Beach, leaving all the surfers there dead. Rather than go into further detail about how much they suck, I'll tell you the degree in which they suck. Fuck chicago They are pieces of shit. Fuck them in the ass, Chicago is a taint, no not a "taint on society" but literally, a taint: The anatomical area between the anus and the testicles. They built a giant wall around Disneyland, hence the ' Snowy Curtain"
[edit] Irish Surfing and the rise of Donegal Dick Dale
Surfing in Ireland came around, because as there was so much rain, and it was so cold in Ireland, dumping yourself in freezing cold water did little to change your surroundings. So, the Irish put on wool coats and got hard planks of dead Protestants. Thus, in Co. Donegal, also known as "what the f**k am I doing here?" became a hub of surfing culture, it was here that Dick Dale got his start, writing music with the traditional Irish scale, and creating a new genre of rock called "surf rock". However, an asshole from California by the same name, came to Ireland, and killed Dick Dale (who was a Protestant, so it was considered legal), and took all of his music back to America and invented the California surf culture, a culture created upon the heap of blood bones and organs that was Irish surfing. Luckily, the end of the troubles has helped Irish surfing to be reborn, built on the overdosed corpse that it CA surfing.
[edit] The Future of Surfing
After years of sustained popularity, the future of surfing seems to lie in the uptake of the sport in other coutries. There are several indications that this is being achieved, such as the "wave of Islamic extremism" that everyone is talking about. Sadly, women are not allowed to partake in this activity. However, caution should be thrown to the wind after the disaster that was "Iranian New Wave". (see:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iranian_New_Wave for details).
[edit] Maneuvers
[edit] The Call Out
Expert surfers have refined the art of calling out sick from work to foresee the suspicion that may arise when they return to work all sunburned and surfy looking. Some great "Call Outs"
- I can't come in to work today because I fell asleep naked in my driveway and I definitely wasn't huffing cats.
- Sorry but I feel so sick right now, I broke out in a rash on my face and lower arms and my scalp is all sandy, I am making an appointment with a specialist. I will be back in tomorrow unless the wind stays offshore.
- I just can't make it, no sleep last night, yes UFO's took my baby again.
[edit] The Smuggler
The surfer suffering an erection on the beach holds his board under one arm, allowing the front of the board to drift across his midsection, concealing the tent in his shorts. May become awkward at the snack bar or drinking fountain.
[edit] Surfing with Animals
Phase 1: Steal a Penguin
Get real people, you know its a big deal. Just check out all of the gnarly photographs of like a zebra and his master riding a longboard together. So far the most frequently appearing documentations of this practice have involved, dogs, cats, various primates, horses (im not shitting you here), small reptiles and mammals and even a dude holding a bowl of goldfish. Despite this pastime's popularity, common sense dictates that this practice is just as absurd than dressing your pets in flowered shirts for church. Thus, this phenomenon remains instrumental in the scientist's research on the effects of weed on the surfing community .
