Surf King Jack Johnson

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Surf King Jack Johnson and his home dogg tom richards, how do we love thee? Let me count the ways:

1. You are a surf king. This means you can say things like, "woah", and "dude" without sounding like a pathetic throwback to the dark and terrible days of the 1990s, when Keanu Reeves was able to play the role of an FBI agent who surfed without anyone laughing (to his face).

2. You play sweeeeeet grooves on the guitar. This is necessary so that after a hard days surfing we may gather around an environmentally friendly fire on the beach and listen to you suck. This is vital in order to commune with BUFUS.

3. You make films. They would be better with the addition of some full frontal male nudity, though. As they are films about surfing it wouldn't be all that much to ask if you included some pictures of naked dudes on the beach, now would it?

4. You come from Hawaii. According to American television, this is a very cool place. And, as television is produced by soulless corporations, they must be right in their definition of cool.

Ok, we love you in four different ways. That is probably enough to get a place on the Uncyclopedia Goddamnit section.

[edit] Brief Pornographic Career

While studying film at UCLA he needed extra money for school because his parents didn't have enough to fully support him through college. In his first year, he met what would become his best friends, amateur photographers, looking for a the latest sensation. He hit it big and became famous when he fucked Simon Cowell in the ass for dissing him on American idol. While fighting Randy (Simon's black costar), he lost his arm to a biting incident and got it replaced with a massive dildo named the exterminator.

It is well known that jack johnson has starred in 4 mainstream pornographic features. Firebush Fairytales, his best known, features redheads from across India, and Pakistan. Dirty turbanfest orgy's are among his specialties. he loves the sweaty Indian train sex often humming his hit songs as he makes his rounds. Curious George and Friends, his second hit release involves the use of a gorilla named Smogmore in the bedroom. The gorilla wields and penetrates with bananas and other fruits, while jack sits on a stool in the middle while playing guitar and taking a shit, humming gentle melodies to himself. He also inserted his head into Gareth Gates anus.

He used the stage name "Wako Jacko my Johnson", and became well known for his signature tagline "you just jacked my Johnson" while blowing his load on the girls face (often into the nose, inducing a hilarious sequence of coughs and nasal infections). Jack Johnson retired from his adult entertainment career when lawsuits and medical bills started coming in from zebras and horses across the country. A quote by Johnson stated "Smogmore, will continue to pursue my old career, while i think I'll move on to stuff like surfing and playing my guitar sans shits". Smogmore can still be seen occasionally going for a jog along next to Johnson.

[edit] Pornography

[edit] VHS/DVD's

• 2001 Bushfire Fairytales (Everloving Records) #34 U.S. #13 Australia, #36 UK (peak April 2006)
• 2003 Come in my face like a sperm Whale! (The Moonshine Conspiracy/Universal) #3 U.S., #30 UK (peak May 2006), #2 Australia
• 2005 Your Penis is in my Dreams (Brushfire/Universal Records) #2 U.S., #3 Canada, #1 UK, #1 Australia, #1 New Zealand
• 2006 Sex with Curious George and friends (Brushfire/Universal Records) #1 U.S., #1 Canada, #15 UK, #1 Australia
• 2008 Sleep With the Spastic

[edit] Soundtracks and EPs

• September Sessions
• Thicker Than Water
• Out Cold
• Sprout
• A Brokedown Melody
• Some Live Songs EP
• Shalow Hal

in actuality, jack johnson is an amazing painter, and has painted thousands of houses in his four years on the HPC, House Painting Circuit. He painted everything from log cabins to the international space station, because that is technically a house, for monkeys.

• the song "Bruce Lee Kicked me in the Scrotum" was written when jack was involved in photography and was photographing bruce lee.
• the original lyrics were slow down bruce you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that. This is because Surf King was attempting to photograph him while firing Bruce out of a cannon, which is how Biggie really died. His influences include Boy George, Elton John, Billy Idol, and Eddie Murphy. Murphy's brief stint as a rock star changed Jack forever.