Supply-side Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Supply-side Jesus makes another sale.

Supply-side Jesus is often confused with Jesus, Cheesus Chrust, and/or Jesus H Christ. Supply-side Jesus was born around 4 BC to a poor family of beggars and hobos. At the young age of 6, he invented the theory of supply-side economics. He opened up his own lemonade stand and became a millionaire by age 7. His theory was that the richer people make him, the more well off everybody else will be. So he went out and preached to the unwashed masses.

Those who follow the teachings of Supply-side Jesus often become immensely rich, because they convince others to give them money so that everyone else will be better off. Often times Suppy-side Jesus is confused with Regular Jesus thusly corrupting thousands of Christians in America (you see that this bullshit economic theory doesn't make sense outside of America).

[edit] Preaching

Supply-Side Jesus' chief service to humanity was that he was rather explicit about some things that had remained somewhat unclear or ambiguous in Regular Jesus' teaching. For example, prior to his crucifixion, Regular Jesus had told people to give money away to the poor. A lot of them were quick to conclude that tax-sponsored Social Security by the Government was a good thing. Supply-Side Jesus explained to these people a very simple thing: the original idea had been for all charity to be voluntary!

He stated: "Yes, you should give money to the poor, but you should always fight to the death to keep your freedom NOT to give any money to the poor! Never, ever let the Government take that freedom away from you! You should always protect your basic human right to be a greedy, niggardly, selfish rich bastard... Just in case, you know. Not that you will ever use that right. Of course not. Not that you actually happen to be a greedy, niggardly, selfish, rich bastard - no way. Nor am I, for that matter. As we all know. I'm not racist, that's a perfectly legitimate word. How dare you impugn my character!"

After some thought he added: "Never forget one thing - Christianity is about free will! That means you should be given the opportunity to choose between good and bad, otherwise you can't show you're really good. Same thing with killing people - Regular Jesus told you not to kill people. But that doesn't mean you should let the Government take away your freedom to kill people if you want to! You know, theoretically. You should have a completely free choice between killing people and not killing people, with no risk of penalties. You aren't good if you're just forced not to kill people. And this, dear friends, is why we need automatic weapons: to test our free will."

"You know what I just thought," he went on, "It would be even better if the Government kindly put a gun in your hand and ordered you to kill people or risk the death penalty. Then you would have the opportunity to show you're ten times as good by not killing anyone. After all, there is nothing special in not killing people if you have no particular reason to kill them! So this is the kind of Government that we should vote for. But I guess this is utopia."

"So never let the Government impose high taxes on you under the pretext of helping the poor! Never feed the bureaucracy!"

At this point, a particularly unwashed piece of unwashed mass asked:

"But Regular Jesus wasn't quite against taxes. He actually told us that we should pay them. You know, Matthew 22:21, "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's" and all that."

Supply-Side Jesus seemed to be glad at the question:

"Sure, Reg wasn't against taxes in principle, but don't forget the historical context! Of course he would have never approved of taxes if he had thought the Roman Government would use them for anything like Social Security! Fortunately, there was no such risk at the time. What his statement really meant at the time was "Give your money to the Roman Empire so the Emperor can live in outrageous luxury while the people starves, and while the rest of the money is spent on expansionist wars and massacring and enslaving foreign nations, including our own!" Now that was OK, of course.

"In fact, I remember once when Tiberius, after building another enormous palace for himself, killing another hundred Roman patricians and raping another one of his sisters, decided to do something else for a change and gave some money to the starving lepers of Jerusalem as charity. OMG, you should have seen how angry Jesus was! He just yelled: How dare you use the hard-working taxpayers' money like this, you dirty Commie!"

"Fortunately," Supply-Side Jesus concluded, "now we can freely elect our own Government and tell it what to do, so it's up to our own choice and free will to forbid bastards like Tiberius to do anything like that again, and by Jesus we will!"

[edit] Famous followers of Supply-side Jesus

A business successfully using the concept of Supply-Side Economics, founded by the Virgin Mary

• Joel Osteen
• Donald Trump
• George W. Bush
• Dick Cheney
• Bob Dole
• Ronald Reagan
• Martha Stewart
• George Washington
• Oprah Winfrey
• John D. Rockefeller
• Benjamin Franklin
• Ted Turner
• Abe Lincoln
• Andrew Jackson
• Harry S. Truman appears on the One Trillion Dollar Bill
• Tommy Hammond
• Benny Hinn
• Don Kirby

[edit] See also

Supply-Side Jesus at a McJesus restaurant with His business partners

• Supply-side economics
• Reaganomics
• Voodoo economics
• Republican Jesus
• Requiem Republicam
• Prosperity Wicca
• The Gospel of Supply-side Jesus