Superman
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| Gender: | Male (We think) |
| Height: | 7'3" |
| Weight: | 335 lbs. (Adamantium skeleton) |
| Eyes: | Lazers |
| Ass: | Stuffed with crack |
| Crotch: | Gay dream |
| Hair: | Magnificently curled and shiny |
| Species: | "Kryptonian," a species of beings that look exactly like humans, can reproduce with them, and even speak their language. (But they're not humans, keep that in mind.) |
| Occupation: | Crimefighter/Kicker of Asses |
| Base of operations: | Metropolis, USA |
| Status: | Single and ready to mingle |
| Date Of Birth | Christmas, 0 A.D. |
| Favorite Food | Pop-tarts |
| Special Ability | Ability to disappear as soon as Batman appears |
“I don't care if he is Superman, I'll fuck him up at Scrabble.”
Superman is a superhero who is apparently an alien despite looking exactly like a human male-type personage. He is famous for blatantly defying the laws of physics, doing good deeds and generally being nice to people.
No one actually respects Superman, but everyone envies his tight buttocks and ability to appear credible in public while wearing his underpants outside his trousers.
Contents |
edit History
edit Origin
Conspiracy theorists claim that Superman was once an Indonesian citizen, but actually he was born on Krypton and sent here by his father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth. All the people on Krypton lived a life similar to humans, except for a everything looking a bit futuristic, with a lot more crystals and post-modernistic structures. But no plants. As such it wasn't long before the population started dying of starvation, drowning, freeze-drying and being struck from above by giant falling crystals.
Kal-El's father, knew it was only a matter of time before the entire planet melted. But like Al Gore, he was ignored. The Kryptonian government disliked spending money on saving the planet, preferring to allocate more funding to hiring Marlon Brando to play Kal-El's father. The planetary government agency responsible for stopping these types of things was left bankrupt due to budget overruns causing the system's sun to explode, killing everyone.
Knowing his entire race was doomed Kal-El's father conceived a brilliant plan that involved launching his infant son to a planet a quad-trillion miles away, praying he didn't land in the ocean that covered 70% of the planet's surface, and then hoping someone managed to find and raise him. To explain everything to Kal-El, his father sent his message in Kryptonese, a language which just happens to sound exactly like English.
edit The Superman's first appearance
Superman made his dramatic appearance saving an out-of control space shuttle and it's crew from certain doom. He was not applauded, however, because: A) He had not perfected his super-hero-suit-making technique, and his said suit actually disintegrated. Thus, people were too busy laughing at his Kryptonian junk to thank him. Also, B) when they found out he had been fully powered, and on Earth during 9/11, Katrina, the Challenger and Columbia crashes, and the Star Wars Prequels, they became enraged that he hadn't revealed himself sooner, and tried to beat him to a pulp.
edit The Movie
Superman soon became one of the most famous and iconic figures of Metropolis, despite his strange habit of getting mistaken for a bird or a plane. It wasn't long before he had a movie deal under his belt, a deal that would lead to the greatest comic-book epic ever made: Person who normally does things better than other people.
They ended up making a movie with the more catch title Superman, and the movie was a huge success, and they made another one that was an even bigger success. Then, they made one which didn't do so well critically, but was still pretty sweet at the box office. And then they made one which just fucked everything up, and caused Superman to vanish for 20 years.
He did return, though. With a title clearly written by Captain Obvious, Superman returned, and nobody gave a flying fuck. Seriously, his epic return went something like this:
Superman fireballs though Earth's atmosphere, crashes into the ocean, and emerges from his shuttle.
SUPERMAN: Hey guys, I'm back!
BATMAN: Nobody cares.
SUPERMAN: What?! How could that be? I'm SUPERMAN, the greatest hero ever to grace the silver screen. As a matter of fact, I'm really the only one, aside from you.
BATMAN: Yeah, about that... Remember that little comic company called Marvel?
SUPERMAN: What, the hacks with the stupid spider-guy? What about them?
BATMAN: Dude, the stupid spider-guy is now the top-grossing comic book character ever.
SUPERMAN: No way! Well... I'm still the most best around here at DC, right?
BATMAN: Well, actually... Geez, now I feel guilty about it.
SUPERMAN: Come on, Batty-Man! Who is it? Wonder Woman? I heard she had some kind of screen deal going on. I know it's not you, cause when I left they were talking about signing on George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger for some really campy movie. What was it, Batman and Blue Jay?
BATMAN: First of all, it's Robin, not Rob Bannn! bitch!.
SUPERMAN: Ah.
BATMAN: And besides, that's in the past... thank God. I had a reboot out in 2005, and everyone loved it. We're doing a sequel, and it's pretty anticipated. We got a deal with Heath Ledger. He said he had a great idea about how to do the Joker. I hate to tell you this, Superman, but... I am the most popular guy at DC.
SUPERMAN: Who's Heath Ledger?
BATMAN: Heath Ledger was a fucking loser who thought he rebooted the Joker, which he didn't because Jack Nicholson's Joker is the bar none!
GREEN LANTERN: Fuck you both! I'm getting a movie now, and I'll rape your asses with my bling!
SUPERMAN: JUST WAIT AND SEE!
BATMAN: We'll rape Marvel, just wait and see!
SPIDERMAN: Hey did Marvel tell you guys we got new Iron Man, X-Men, and Marvel Alliance movies coming out soon... Yeah we're on top now bitch.
edit Special Powers
Superman has, to put it in poetic terms, a whole shitload of powers. (He blames it all on the fact that Earth's sun is a different color than one he's used to.) His generally gigantic quantity of them, and the invulnerability they give him makes him slightly boring among some comic book fans. They don't complain though, lest he knock them out with his laser beams and kill them with his poison gas, all before disintegrating their bodies with his nuclear rays. His powers are the following:
- XXX-Ray Vision: Superman has the ability to see women as they would be completely nude.
- Flying: Yes, he can fly. And before you start talking about "being original" and "being unique," remember: this was original and unique. In the '30s.
- Super Speed: Yeah, super-speed... So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and super speed only. So of course, Superman had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that Superman was superior to him in every way, Flash killed himself, and Superman laughed at his funeral. What a dick.
- Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, Superman appears to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around Kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit Superman, he'd still live. If a meteor hit Superman, he'd still live. But if a piece of green rock touched him, he's fucked.
- Super-Breath: This is actually a real power of Superman. He can blow on things until they freeze. What's that? Well, yeah he does blow, but... Stop laughing, OK? It's not that funny, really.
- BluRay Vision: Superman sees everything in 1080p and hears everything in DTS-HD Master Audio.
- Super Strong: Superman is so strong. He also stole this power from Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel sued him and lost his ass to Superman.
- Super-Prefixing: Superman can put the word Super in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
- Super-bad camouflage: Superman has the ability to disguise himself so badly as a specky geek, by only wearing a suit and some glasses. This disguise is so blatantly obvious, nobody has noticed ever, not even Lois Lane.
- Souper: Superman can drink soup. From a bowl or other similar receptacle.
edit In popular culture
edit See also
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing | |
| People | L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Paris Hilton ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous | |
