Super Smash Bros. Brawl

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Alternate Brawl 1

The official box art, Tinkle ruins everything. Rated T for Tinkle.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl is a relatively decent video game for the Nintendo Wii. It is the successor to the faster-paced, and therefore far superior game, Super Smash Bros. Melee. Well known G, Carl "CJ" Johnson, a professional at Melee was arrested for beating a police officer to death with a pool cue when he became aware of Brawl's slower-paced button control response than Melee.

Nintendo staff

The Nintendo staff celebrate their new found fortune.

Although the public was disappointed in Brawl's exclusion of Dr. Mario(who, sadly took an overdose of his own pills and died shortly before "brawl"'s release), Mewtwo, Pichu, Roy, and Young Link, Nintendo God, Shigeru Miyamoto proceeded with his plans to exclude them. Several statements were released by Miyamoto detailing the reasons these characters did not make an appearance in Brawl, however everybody was too high to pay attention. Miyamoto then spontaneously drove around with several Nintendo employees celebrating for apparently no reason, and several hundred civilians killed themselves due to the extremely long delays in Brawl's release.


Gameplay

The gameplay in Brawl in quite versatile as far as methods of control go. Players will find it possible to plug in the Nintendo Gamecube Controller to play in the same fashion one would play Melee. Other devices are also known to work. Forks, screwdrivers, spoons, metal and glass pipes, male genitalia, Dance Dance Revolution pads, thermostat switches, and the Wii Nun chuck are confirmed methods of playing Brawl.

As of May 12, 2008, scientists have begun to conduct experiments regarding methods of playing Brawl. Oh, those scientists. They're funny.

The gameplay in Brawl has changed slightly from Melee to gameplay that is more suitable to accomodate players that insist on neatly placing the blame of their seemingly endless tide of losses upon their chosen character's inadequacy. Losing a match to a more skilled player, often places the elephant that is known a self-esteem problem onto the losing player. This is more frequent in cases where the losing player dedicates a large portion of their life to the game. The realization that somebody could "pwn" them so often and with such ease, often shocks their entire self-outlook thus causing them to mentally reflect on their inadequacy as a player. In most cases the player cannot handle this and is driven to choose from three courses of action to combat this issue:

Option 1: One can continue to bitch about one's character's unfair inefficiency.

Option 2: One can spend several nights in succession, writing letters of dissatisfation to Nintendo, complaining about how one's losses are so numerous that it is unfair and that it should be changed in the sequel to Brawl.

Option 3 (Most Frequent): One can resort to killing oneself to end the insanity-inducing possibility that they just suck plain donkey ass.

Option 3 was the most frequently chosen course of action, which resulted in a mass decline in the world population. Unfortunately. Nintendo had to prove to the public that it was hearing its consumers' pleas. Although Option 2 was the least frequent of the three, Nintendo chose to take action and address this issue by changing several characters' stats. This resulted in more "Noob-Friendly" gameplay in Brawl than in Melee. Several characters that were portrayed in Melee as strong-willed, combat-enduring adversaries, have since been reduced to snivelling, crack-addicted, homeless people singing for quarters in Los Angeles in Brawl.

Interview With Shigeru Miyamoto

Shigger

Mr. Miyamoto denies the use of drugs.

On April 20, 2007, several months before the much anticipated release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl in Canada on March 9, 2008, the "Big Cheese" of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto, was interviewed by Mike The TV from Reboot. This interview saw a different side of Miyamoto's personality. He seemed to be preoccupied by something else. Cameraman McNorton Avalon stated, "Mr. Miyamoto's eyes appeared to be quite bloodshot. He seemed content, yet agitated, as though he wished he were doing something more fun." This interview answered questions that many of the public sought answers to. The interview led to this statement being said by Mike The TV:

"A friend of mine told me that the trademark green tunic that Link is often seen wearing contains substantial amounts of THC within its green fibers, Also my dick is big."

Miyamoto seemed dazzled by this apparent animated television set that possessed the ability to communicate with human beings. It was reported that he dodged questions directly asked of him by cleverly stating that he doesn't believe in speaking to beings that only reach his knees. Upon hearing of this, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, sitting on his chair in his hut, threw his Coffee Crisp Bar and his pipe in two separate directions.

FBI Investigations

Ten months after the interview, on February 20, 2008, the FBI concluded a series of investigations into the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, following an incident including an elephant and some strange green orbs. These investigations brought to light several important factors in the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl:



  • Princess Zelda was known to be able to cure cancer in Melee, but Nintendo took that ability out in Brawl, stating, "It was relatively expensive."


  • After being unemployed since Kid Icarus for well over 156 years, Nintendo decided to include Pit in Brawl. Known to have started a drug smuggling ring in Angel Land, he has also been charged with numerous accounts of sexual assault against Queen Palutena. It is said that this is due to the large numbers of drugs he used in the Kid Icarus series, known on the street as hammers.


  • By the time Brawl was released Marth had spent 90% of his profits from Melee on women, alcohol and drugs; the rest of the 10% he wasted.


  • When asked if he was comfortable working with the Japanese Roy & Marth on Melee, Ganondorf was heard telling game executives, "I am free of all prejudices. I HATE EVERYBODY EQUALLY!!!"


  • Before production Captain Falcon was sent to rehab to kill his speed addiction, this explains his much more slow paced movement in Brawl.


  • The bent spoon featured in the 1999 Film, The Matrix was originally intended to be used as an item in Brawl. However, producers were unaware that this spoon was not a stainless steel spoon and it succumbed to rust before production of the game began. Miyamoto proposed that they use the rusted spoon nonetheless and this idea was agreed upon by a majority of the Nintendo employees. However, the whereabouts of the rusted bent spoon became unclear following a series of disturbing visits by a strange green man with salad-like fingers to the Nintendo of America Headquarters.
Green Orb

Depicted here is an example of one of the mystic items known as THC Orbs that Link has been known to use.


  • Dr. Mario was recently foiled in an assasination attempt on Mario, which resulted in the death of three civilians. Dr. Mario remains in an undisclosed jail. Recently it was reported that he had been admitting Princess Daisy to his office and was raping her with vibrating pill capsules. He was promptly slapped by Nurse Peach. Later Peach's fingerprints were found in the door where Dr. Mario kept the pill capsules. Several were missing. All Dr. Mario had to say was " Mama Mia! Spaghetti, lasagna, penne alfredo!"


  • Snake's original taunt involved smoking a cigarette, which was fine and all, until Nintendo discovered several stashes of marijuana and trace amounts of the same drug in his cigarettes' and his brownies. Snake was allowed to stay at Nintendo, but is in rehab and recovering.


  • Investigations conducted by the FBI reveal that Super Smash Bros. 1999 Veteran, Link, has been administering a green, orb-like substance before every one of his battles since his first appearance in Melee in 2001. Studies have proven that these orbs contain mass amounts of condensed THC. Link's use of these orbs has continued well into the Brawl-era in 2008 as well. Spectators present at Link's battles have noticed that Link's eyes become a shade of anywhere between pink and red immediately after administering this green substance. It has, however, been proven that while under the influence of this substace, Link duels with much more speed and unpredictablility than he would had he not administered it. Marth is a known user of THC-Orbs as well.


  • A little known fact is that Mr. Game and Watch actually does talk, however all he ever says is swear words. Since Nintendo does have a policy forbidding swearing in their games, they censored every swear word he says with various beeps.
  • After the game, every single character gained more than 50 pounds due to the incredibly high storage of donuts. Mario came in first place in the pound rally, being 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (and since we don't have any more space, let's just say he's got a lot of zeroes) pounds.

Characters

Assist Trophies

Brawl has made an applaudable attempt at popularity by featuring things known as Assist Trophies. These assist trophies are apparently people that fall from the sky (Don't ask me, I didn't make the game) who, when activated by a player, begin to blow clouds of marijuana smoke at that player whilst attacking enemy players in a manner that is easily recognizable by fans of the particular character's series.

Examples of such assist trophies are as follows:

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