Super Smash Bros. Brawl
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Super Smash Bros. Brawl is a relatively decent video game for the Nintendo Wii. It is the successor to the faster-paced, and therefore far superior game, Super Smash Bros. Melee. Well known G, Carl "CJ" Johnson, a professional at Melee was arrested for beating a police officer to death with a pool cue when he became aware of Brawl's slower-paced button control response than Melee.
Although the public was disappointed in Brawl's exclusion of Dr. Mario(who, sadly took an overdose of his own pills and died shortly before "brawl"'s release), Mewtwo, Pichu, Roy, and Young Link, Nintendo God, Shigeru Miyamoto proceeded with his plans to exclude them. Several statements were released by Miyamoto detailing the reasons these characters did not make an appearance in Brawl, however everybody was too high to pay attention. Miyamoto then spontaneously drove around with several Nintendo employees celebrating for apparently no reason, and several hundred civilians killed themselves due to the extremely long delays in Brawl's release.
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[edit] Gameplay
The gameplay in Brawl in quite versatile as far as methods of control go. Players will find it possible to plug in the Nintendo Gamecube Controller to play in the same fashion one would play Melee. Other devices are also known to work. Forks, screwdrivers, spoons, metal and glass pipes, penises, Dance Dance Revolution pads, thermostat switches, and the Wii Nunchuck are confirmed methods of playing Brawl.
As of May 12, 2008, scientists have begun to conduct experiments regarding methods of playing Brawl. Oh, those scientists. They're funny.
(Upon saying this, I've broken the Fourth Wall, in making a non-encyclopedic comment directed at the audience or in this case, the reader).
The gameplay in Brawl has changed slightly from Melee to gameplay that is more suitable to accomodate players that insist on neatly placing the blame of their seemingly endless tide of losses upon their chosen character's inadequacy. Losing a match to a more skilled player, often places the elephant that is known a self-esteem problem onto the losing player. This is more frequent in cases where the losing player dedicates a large portion of their life to the game. The realisation that somebody could "pwn" them so often and with such ease, often shocks their entire self-outlook thus causing them to mentally reflect on their inadequacy as a player. In most cases the player cannot handle this and is driven to choose from three courses of action to combat this issue:
Option 1: One can continue to bitch about one's character's unfair inefficiency.
Option 2: One can spend several nights in succession, writting letters of dissatisfation to Nintendo, complaining about how one's losses are so numerous that it is unfair and that it should be changed in the sequel to Brawl.
Option 3 (Most Frequent): One can resort to killing oneself to end the insanity-inducing possibility that they just suck plain donkey ass.
Option 3 was the most frequently chosen course of action, which resulted in a mass decline in the world population. Unfortunately. Nintendo had to prove to the public that it was hearing its consumers' pleas. Although Option 2 was the least frequent of the three, Nintendo chose to take action and address this issue by changing several characters' stats. This resulted in more "Nooblet-Friendly" gameplay in Brawl than in Melee. Several characters that were portrayed in Melee as strong-willed, combat-enduring adversaries, have since been reduced to snivelling, crack-addicted, homeless people singing for quarters in Los Angeles in Brawl.
[edit] Interview With Shigeru Miyamoto
On April 20, 2007, several months before the much anticipated release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl in Canada on March 9, 2008, the "Big Cheese" of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto, was interviewed by Mike The TV from Reboot. This interview saw a different side of Miyamoto's personality. He seemed to be preoccupied by something else. Cameraman McNorton Avalon stated, "Mr. Miyamoto's eyes appeared to be quite bloodshot. He seemed content, yet agitated, as though he wished he were doing something more fun." This interview answered questions that many of the public saught answers to. The interview led to this statement being said by Mike The TV:
"A friend of mine told me that the trademark green tunic that Link is often seen wearing contains substantial amounts of THC within it's green fibers."
Miyamoto seemed dazzled by this apparent animated television set that posessed the ability to communicate with human beings. It was reported that he dodged questions directly asked of him by cleverly stating that he doesn't believe in speaking to beings that only reach his knees. Upon hearing of this, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, sitting on his chair in his hut, threw his Coffee Crisp Bar and his pipe in two separate directions.
[edit] FBI Investigations
Ten months after the interview, on February 20, 2008, the FBI concluded a series of investigations into the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, following an incident including an elephant and some strange green orbs. These investigations brought to light several important factors in the production of Super Smash Bros. Brawl:
- Chuck Norris was hired to be a character in Brawl, but after being cornobled by Bruce Lee, Nintendo could not risk having to pay for the smelly dead fish.
- Pichu violated the law and evolved into Pikachu after being so happy about being invited to join brawl. and Nintendo coulden't find another since pichu are made so happy they evolve into pikachu at Birth now. so they killed him by turning him into his own electrical energy to make the cool graphics.
- Leeroy Jenkins was to make an appearance from World of Warcraft as an assist trophy in Brawl. However, due to the vast oceans of homosexuality flowing abundantly from anything World of Warcraft-related, Nintendo had second thoughts.
- Mewtwo Refused to be in the game again because it would conflict with his busy schedule of hanging around in cities and using his super sight to perv on sexy girls while on a rooftop. It is rumored the actual reason he hangs around on the rooftops is to blast everyone in sight who has a Pokemon game because he is mad Nintendo didn't feature him in a new one.
- Princess Zelda was known to be able to cure cancer in Melee, but Nintendo took that ability out in Brawl, stating, "It was relatively expensive."
- After being unemployed since Kid Icarus for well over 156 years, Nintendo decided to include Pit in Brawl. Known to have started a drug smuggling ring in Angel Land, he has also been charged with numerous accounts of sexual assault against Queen Palutena. It is said that this is due to the large numbers of drugs he used in the Kid Icarus series, known on the street as hammers.
- By the time Brawl was released Marth had spent 90% of his profits from Melee on women, alcohol and drugs; the rest of the 10% he wasted.
- The "Final Smash Attack" is used once the character consumes copious amounts of Crystal meth, and cocaine, prompting them to perform a move that can only be described as rofl rape.
- When asked if he was comfortable working with the Japanese Roy & Marth on Melee, Ganondorf was heard telling game executives, "I am free of all prejudices. I HATE EVERYBODY EQUALLY!!!"
- Many people were like 'what the fuck?!'whenever they saw Ike's appearance(especially those who didn't hear long ago that there was a such thing as Fire Emblem).They thought that Ike was the new Roy.People,that's what Jesus is here for you,tell him,not the whole entire internet!Ike hadn't read the 1,000,00,403 rules Master hand made all the other smashers read.He broke the 1,000,000th rule:'NO RAPING WHATSOEVER!THIS MEANS YOU,YOU RAPIST!'.He went on like the pimp he is and starting raping all the girls.So,don't ask me "What the fuck happens next?" because this is the FBI's investigations,not a story!That is what DeviantArt and Fanfiction is for and I better shut up now.
- Roy couldn't really make it since he was heard to be bleeding to death by saying pervish things to Marth(don't ask me because I don't even know,ya nosy people!).Oh,as I was saying,investigators said that his balls were cut off.What the hell,stop reading this already!
- Before production Captain Falcon was sent to rehab to kill his speed addiction, this explains his much more slow paced movement in Brawl.
- The bent spoon featured in the 1999 Film, The Matrix was originally intended to be used as an item in Brawl. However, producers were unaware that this spoon was not a stainless steel spoon and it succumbed to rust before production of the game began. Miyamoto proposed that they use the rusted spoon nonetheless and this idea was agreed upon by a majority of the Nintendo employees. However, the whereabouts of the rusted bent spoon became unclear following a series of disturbing visits by a strange green man with salad-like fingers to the Nintendo of America Headquarters.
- Dr. Mario was recently foiled in an assasination attempt on Mario, which resulted in the death of three civilians. Dr. Mario remains in an undisclosed jail.Recently it was reported that he had been admiting Princess Daisy to his office and was raping her with vibrating pill capsules. He was promptly slapped by Nurse Peach. Later Peach's fingerprints were found in the door where Dr. Mario kept the pill capsules. Several were missing. All Dr. Mario had to say was " Mama Mia! Spaghetti, lasagna, penne alfredo!"
- Snake's original taunt involved smoking a cigarette, which was fine and all, until Nintendo discovered several stashes of marijuana and trace amounts of the same drug in his cigarettes' and his brownies. Snake was allowed to stay at Nintendo, but is in rehab and recovering.
- Investigations conducted by the FBI reveal that Super Smash Bros. 1999 Veteran, Link, has been administering a green, orb-like substance before every one of his battles since his first appearance in Melee in 2001. Studies have proven that these orbs contain mass amounts of condensed THC. Link's use of these orbs has continued well into the Brawl-era in 2008 as well. Spectators present at Link's battles have noticed that Link's eyes become a shade of anywhere between pink and red immediately after administering this green substance. It has, however, been proven that while under the influence of this substace, Link duels with much more speed and unpredictablility than he would had he not administered it. Marth is a known user of THC-Orbs as well.
- Originally, Nintendo was going to make Mr. Game and Watch a really crappy character like he was in Melee, but they realized that this would be insulting to all the Niggers that play this game. Thus, they made him the eighth best character in the game.
- A little known fact is that Mr. Game and Watch actually does talk, however all he ever says is swear words. Since Nintendo does have a policy forbidding swearing in their games, they censored every swear word he says with various beeps.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd was meant to be a new challenger, but sadly, due to legal issues of him insulting so many classicly amazing Nintendo games such as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and then having to be in one, had him cut out. He would have had the following special moves.
- FUCK!- Enemy is now fucked.
- ASSSSSS!!- Enemy is now even more fucked.
- Cowafuckingpieceofdogshit- Assaults enemies from the air.
- Final Smash- SuperMegaDeathChrist2000B.C.Version2.0Beta- Enemies ain't got nothing on this.
- Though Sonic the Hedgehog participated in Brawl, FBIs find out that he's too fast for battle and that they see him run around the paltform, insulting other opponents. The FBIs then caught him and puts his legs in shackles, making him less faster than Captain Falcon.
- Olimar, a tiny little character, joined the Brawl, despite having to look like a size of a pea. However, fighter were completely confused and wonders where Olimar and his Pikmin are. FBis were sent out in search for Olimar. What they did'nt know is that they accidentaly stepped on Pikmin and Olimar. They had to postpone the fight.
[edit] ESRB Rating Change
Following the release of Super Smash Bros Brawl in Canada and the United States, Mom's against anything remotely sexually provocative conglomerated around the Nintento headquarters in Alert, Canada to discuss two major issues with the game.
- SSBB was the first game to feature a female character not in a Victorian Style Dress or "Power Suit" and instead in a skimpy spandex outfit where every little kid could get his jollies off to the sexy blond that turned out to be Samus Aran.
- By pausing the game and moving up slowly, kids everywhere started asking their parents why Ganondorf's crotch was so big.
- Playing brawl in a fire not only makes you high but it seems 3 times more badass then normal, so awesome people only attempt this (and retards, puzzle out who's who).
The issues were met with baby Cannons and vomitting upon the Nintendo property. Eventually, due to Janitorial strikes because of mass work suddenly flooding into Nintendo (mostly to clean up baby remains or vomit) Nintendo changed the ESRB rating from Teen to PG-30 in order to meet the demands of the protestors.
[edit] Assist Trophies
Brawl has made an applaudable attempt at popularity by featuring things known as Assist Trophies. These assist trophies are apparently people that fall from the sky (Don't ask me, I didn't make the game) who, when activated by a player, begin to blow clouds of marijuana smoke at that player whilst attacking enemy players in a manner that is easily recognizable by fans of the particular character's series.
Examples of such assist trophies are as follows:
 Dog From Duck Hunt |
 Samurai Goroh |
 Dr. Wright |
 Knuckle Joe |
 Devil |
 Andross |
 Lyn |
 Mr. Resetti |
 Excitebike |
 Little Mac |
 Gray Fox |
 Saki Amamiya |
 Stafy |
 Waluigi |
 Metroid |
 Tingle |
 Kat and Ana |
 Jeff |
 Helirin |
 Jill and Drill Dozer |
 Nintendog |
 Lakitu |
 Hammer Bros. |
 Custom Robo |
 Isaac |
 Infantry and Tanks |
 Barbara |
 Shadow the Hedgehog |
 Barack Obama |
 Mr. Biden |
 Zero Suit Marth |
