SuperSkye (video game)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
SuperSkye is a nonexistent Internet-based platformer game produced by college student (and part-time pornographer) Reese Daavidson, who went by the name Runninriiz to hide his identity, thus effectively saving his reputation. The game is one of those things on the Internet that, although it's perfectly clear that it does not exist, its cult following of a fanbase will do practically anything to make it seem like it is. Anyone who claims to have actually played SuperSkye is one of three things:
- A god.
- An LSD-addicted hippie who had a bad trip and lost his memory.
- The Internet equivalent of a street-smart dragon gangster ninja who could sneak into the Library of Congress, steal all of its records, and sneak back out without so much as turning an eyebrow of passersby.
Anyway, the whole deal of the matter is that SuperSkye doesn't exist, and anyone who says differently is a nimrod.
Reese Daavidson and the Vision
Reese Fitzpatrick Daavidson, a college freshman with huge dreams for his life, was having a perfectly normal day (by his standards, anyway.) He was at the local pizza bar with his two best friends, Stephen Cartwright and Paul "Pinky-Boots" Lonagan. All three had done LSD prior to the event, and they were currently enjoying their third round of tall-boys of beer, as well as a deep-dish pizza with everything on it. They should have been in calculus, but, as usual, they were skipping out. Sounds strange, or perhaps the least bit immoral? It wasn't that way for them. In fact, it was a completely ordinary day to them.
Their waiter, a huge, buff man with a unibrow and seventeen tattoos of technicolor ponies, eventually came back to the table and asked for the paycheck. Reese simply laughed and said, "What paycheck?" The man got angry then, gritting his teeth and saying "You have to pay, you know." Reese was shocked. He stood to his feet with an expression of pure awe. "Pay?" he asked, incredulous. That was the last straw. As his friends watched in pure awe, the man pulled a miniature baseball bat from his pocket and knocked Reese on the head. He fell immediately unconscious.
In his drug-affected dreamland, Reese found to his surprise that he was in Russia. But it wasn't the Russia he knew. Moses was standing in front of him, in front of a huge, futuristic-looking city with more colors than a box of French macaroons. As he got to his feet, he could only stare outward at the sight before him. "Greetings, Reese," Moses said. "You have been chosen to create the future." "Create what future?" he said, but he came back to reality before Moses could answer.
When Reese woke back up, he found, much to his dismay, that he was in a Canadian hotel room, completely naked, with Skye Electra.
Oh, yeah. Holly Glaceau was there, too.
Reese Makes the Game
What Reese was eventually to discover as the meaning of his strange situation was simple- create a video game. But it could not just be any video game. It had to be SuperSkye. Soon his college dorm was covered wall to wall with sketches of such things as spaceships, time portals, and naked girls. Note that this was much to the dismay of his roommate, who arranged to be moved out as soon as this was possible. But this did not hinder Reese. Still he worked, continually building up the concepts that would eventually come together to form his magnum opus.
The first beta of SuperSkye was finally pushed out in 2001. Much work had gone into the game's creation- Reese had not made the entire game by himself. As it turned out, Pinky-Boots Lonagan was exceptionally good in creating graphics, and Stephen Cartwright could type so fast that he went through a keyboard a week because of the sheer heat of the friction. The game was only released to a certain amount of people, a few of these being Reese's family, the FBI, and a hot girl called Cora Bjorn that they thought they might be able to impress by showing her what they could do. Quite unexpectedly, everyone hated it. The FBI threatened to erase Reese from existence. The Army issued several bomb threats to the college, specifically mentioning Reese's name several times. His parents sent him a message saying that he was no longer their favorite child. Farnsworth, no longer wanting to live on the planet anymore, left the planet. Cora seemed to like it the tiniest bit, though, and the team took advantage of this by forcing her to record the voices of almost all the characters. Unfortunately, she later died after consuming two metric tons of helium so that she would sound more like Princess Misty.
Disappearance of Reese Daavidson
This happened in 2002, just before the game was going to be released. It had gone through many revisions since the first beta, and some people were actually beginning to like it. But for whatever reason, Reese Daavidson went missing right before his moment of truth. No one knows why.
Some say he went nuts and killed himself by having Paul Lonagan bury him alive, after which Paul would have his memory erased so no one would ever know. Others have claimed that he had another vision that drove him to run off into the woods to live with wolves and sasquatches. Most believe the latter, as it's actually logical. So, yeah. He's out there with sasquatches now.
Oh, yeah. Holly Glaceau's there, too.
SuperSkye revolves around the Skaylian Resistance Force, or SRF, a group of brightly colored freedom fighters attempting to assassinate a robot dude named Zyklon-B, who was the CEO of an insurance company known as Megacorp. Unlike most think, he didn't do anything. Zyklon, lost in space with some of his most closely trusted employees and looking for a hotel to spend the night in, came to a star system called Catholia. He then proceeded to send down a few of his robotic teddy bear servants to ask where the nearest hotel was. But they thought it was an invasion, so they fought back. Zyklon, feeling somewhat threatened and more than a little shocked, began to attack the planet Skaylia. So the SRF, led by Skye Electra, launched off in their top-of-the-line spaceship to start a resistance effort against the robotic insurance brokers, who, we'll say it again, didn't really do anything.
The SRF is made up of a bunch of slutty action girls, a completely useless princess, and the only male on the team, Nes. He is an official, badge-bearing playa, and has slept with every one of the girls at least once.
- Skye Electra- Face it, she's fuckin' awesome. The all-around badass of the team. She has blue skin, but that doesn't detract from her appearance in any way. No, guys actually love it. She has the power to make any male ejaculate at will, and since she uses a lot of hair products, her hair has a luster level of 37.5.
- Holly Glaceau- a.k.a. "The Chick". Nobody can pronounce her name, so most people just call her Holly G. She has the most captivating pink hair you'll ever see, so don't look at her- it's sort of like looking at Medusa mixed with taking 50 LSD pills at the same time. Also, naturally, she's annoying as hell, and she always wants Skye to dee-flect things that usually don't even exist.
- The Princess- She has no name, except for her title, The Princess. No one knows what place she's princess of. She fights by whipping her hair back and forth. Since she uses about a gallon of hairspray every day, being hit by this is like being slugged with a baseball bat. Actually twelve, but looks like she's, what, four? Either way, she's far too young to be drinking those seven bottles of beer she goes through in a day.
- Nes- Just like The Princess has no first name, he has no last name, and likely changed his first name legally due to the fact that it was originally nowhere near cool. He's an awesome fighter, but nowhere near badass material; for that, he would need to have a good achievement under his sleeve. Skye is a badass because, well, she's Skye. Holly is a badass because she can fly and suck all the heat out of people, killing them instantly, and she also has a pony named Sprinkles. But Nes has never done a great thing in his life. For that reason, he's not a badass, and is thus unimportant to the SRF.
Other, less important people who happen to be connected with the SRF
- SRF General Guy- Yet another character with no birth certificate and thus no name, he's essentially Skye's boss. But then again, he's not, because Skye always disobeys his orders. And he never gets mad at her because she's Skye.
- Luxa Glaceau- The greatest woman who ever lived. Move over, Ayn Rand. Luxa is like Einstein mixed with Douglas Adams mixed with Skrillex for good measure. That's how amazing this woman is. You ask, then, why she's considered not important? That leads us to her only shortcoming- she gave birth to Holly Glaceau. Other than that, though, she's cool.
- Finn- A part-time ally of the SRF, until he was eventually killed by Zyklon's robotic minions three times. Before that, he was always hitting on Holly. It was very tragic when he died, but after that, I don't think anyone really missed him.
- Andy Warhol- also referred to as "Agent AW" so that his identity would stay hidden. Served as the SRF's personal photographer, until Skye shot him when he took a bad picture of her. That's how he really died.
- Artemis Fowl- He was an evil genius. Also, he liked:
- Cheese (drug).
- Cheese (dairy product).
- Cheese (sex move).
- Michael Stipe- The leader of a motley crew of space thugs known as the Robotic Enigmatic Men (aka R.E.M.), Michael Stipe was a great annoyance to the SRF at all times. He always seemed to show up at the most unfitting times, such as in the middle of sex scenes and while The Princess was enjoying the last lollipop she was ever to eat. He also liked killing people by pushing metal shivs on wood through their backs. Nobody missed him once he finally died a death so graphic it cannot be explained in words. In fact, people actually partied.
Some of the poor fuckers that Skye easily killed
- Nuckelavees- Tiny, bio-mechanical pieces of junk with the capability of walking very slowly, falling off ledges, and speaking fluent Portuguese. They reproduce like rabbits, so there are freakin' thousands of them, and not one of them can do anything useful. A few of them have gotten their hands on laser guns, but they use them as clubs more than anything else. They were all eventually squashed, crushed, burned to a crisp, or shot.
- Beriberis- Little jerks, every one of them. Beriberis enjoy making snide comments to their foes, often using the term "lard-bucket". Others were trained to shout swear words at the ex-wives of good friends of theirs. Since they're robots, they can't get drunk, so they drink a lot of beer. Most of them ended up getting shot.
- Maes- Brainwashed soldiers that all hate Skye's guts, due to the fact that they were all told that she killed their parents and burned their houses down. Targets for brainwashing were always young, red-haired girls named Mae; if their name was something else, a legal name-change was promptly forced upon them. They like to do nasty things with knives, if you know what I mean. There was actually a chance that they could have been brought back to normal, but unfortunately, they all got shot.
- Noo-Noo- A robot designed to be the janitor of a Megacorp spaceship. There was only one, and it was killed when it overheated. Oh, wait, that's not true; he got shot.
- 9- a failed experiment by Zyklon. What he thought would be the ultimate robotic superweapon turned out to be nothing more than an 8-inch-tall wimp. He got shot.
- Wall-E- he seemed shy, but it turns out he was a little pervert. Often caught sleeping with drugged Maes, and eventually Holly. When Skye walked in on this, he was promptly killed. Namely, he got shot.
What Makes SuperSkye Work
A lot of the people in Skaylia tend to use laser guns, even the people who aren't involved in blasting robots' heads off. They're really multipurpose tools as opposed to weapons- they make good welding torches and grill lighters. That doesn't mean they aren't dangerous, though- they're far better weapons than lead-shooting mini cannons.
Of all the people in Skaylia, the overall best user of the laser gun in undoubtedly Skye Electra. She looks better with a neutrino accelerator in her hand than Cloud Strife does with his unrealistically huge hunk of Scottish metal on a stick. Her standard laser gun has 18 levels of pain and destruction, ranging from "Bee Sting" to "Genesis Concert in D-Sharp Minor". The highest she has used is 12, which made a mushroom cloud and wiped out a city. Let's hope that she'll never need to use level 18.
Arguably the coolest thing out there since Argos, Hounouran provides hours of fun to anyone who finds out how to actually make use of the stuff. It's essentially an intangible field of some strange chemical that hangs in the air, and once it's activated, more cool stuff can be done with it than a Thneed. For example, apply it to a cereal box and you get a semi-automatic weapon that can shoot Trix. Apply it to a dog, and you get a hovering, supersonic mega-dog that you can ride to school. Apply it to a Swiss army knife, and you get an Inception movie poster signed by the real Dom Cobb, but then you wake up because it was just a dream within a dream within a dream. Needless to say, this stuff's the real deal.
Most people who can actually use the stuff do it with a pair of very unsightly but incredibly awesome bracelets, which are known as the Space-Bending Battle Bracelets of Caerbannog. The only problem of that is that there's only one pair in existence, and they are owned by Skye Electra. Until Skye is dead, you have no chance of getting them.
Another method is to control the Hounouran with your voice- something that can be done with a cell phone and the following phone number- 555-555-5555. Call the number, and if you get no response, it means that it has worked. The three Eternal Protectors of the Ultimate Power (EPUP's, for short) will now have granted you the power of Hounouran. This is the way of acquiring Hounouran control that most reasonable people will accept as also reasonable. In fact, it's recommended that you try it out now!
Also note that Hounouran is often confused with magic, but in truth, it has nothing to do with magic at all. Magic is when something has no explanation and is thus stupid. Hounouran has a completely logical scientific explanation. In other words, it's better.
A thing that Luxa Glaceau made, allowing a person to travel through space in a matter of seconds. It was later modified to allow two people to go at the same time. I can tell by the look on your face that you now understand just why Luxa was so awesome. But also consider the fact that a "bad trip" through the flumes can get you derezzed, which, in layman's terms, means having all of the atoms in your body split apart, both reducing you to nothingness and plunging the universe into nuclear winter. Yummy.
Hidden Messages and Morals
SuperSkye, as most video games do, contains a number of hidden morals aimed to subconsciously teach children lessons of life. Here are a few of the most prominent.
- Don't trust robots. Not even Keepon. All robots are never to be trusted, because they'll do nasty things to you. Like strap you to a pole and start to slowly take your clothes off.
- All girls with pink hair are bitches. 'Nuff said. You probably already knew this anyway.
- Drink coffee. Lots of it. Possibly the most well-concealed of the game's hidden messages.
- Violence can be fun. For instance, blasting Holly's head off. Nothing is more satisfying than that. Now try doing it to your real friends! It will be fun.
It was decreed by the passing of a new Rule of the Internet in 2004 that SuperSkye was to be banned from the general public. Exactly why this was decided is still to this day unknown, but what happens on the Internet stays on the Internet, and anyone who disagrees with Anonymous is an idiot. Thus, SuperSkye was completely erased from existence. All records of the game in the Library of Congress went mysteriously missing, and the SuperSkyeSpaceSattellite, a satellite orbiting Earth dedicated to distributing copies of SuperSkye to the computers of civilians, drifted into space. Since then, everyone seems to have forgotten about SuperSkye.
Some people think that SuperSkye was never even existent in the first place. These people state instead that it was all a big red herring that the government produced in order to mask the production of mind control technology being distributed to civilians through seemingly harmless programs they would download onto their computers. Still, this certain scheme never actually came to fruition, so it really doesn't matter.
Now that I think about it, it's probably better to say that SuperSkye never even existed, all looney conspiracy theories aside. Just forget that SuperSkye was ever even mentioned on the face of the planet. Never for one second was all of this real. What you read was just one big fat lie. But if you actually believed it, then that means you know... no! I've said too much! The black helicopters are already on their way! Well, sorry, but if you'll excuse me, I really have to go.