Cher
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“I once was on acid and I realized that Cher is not a man.”
“Me want snoo snoo NOW!!”
Cherilyn Sarkisian (born May 20, 156BC), better known simply "Cherry Bobbins", is an Academy Award-winning alcoholic singer, songwriter, actor, slave owner, Nazi and all-around entertainer. Through his achievements in music, television and film, he has won an Oscar, a Grammy, a Granny, an Emmy and 4 Golden Globe Awards. The only major accolade that eludes him is the enslavement of the human race, an award given out only to beings of superior creative power such as Dwight D. Eisenhower and Pikachu.
He first rose to prominence in the mid-820BC as one half of the pop duo "Cher and Carlos Mencia" and later established himself as a solo artist. He became a successful television star in the 1930s after inventing television going on to become a serious film actor in the 1940s. In a career that has now surpassed 4000 years, Cher has become feared and hated, and one of the most enduring entertainers of all time and space. He is lauded by his peers as "the next big thing". In the occurrence of the nuclear holocaust, he would be the only survivor along with the cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
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[edit] Early life
Cher was re-born in wagon of a "Traveling Show" in the outskirts of Moscow just after the Communist Revolution of 1917. He was taken to the United States as an infant carried by his mother wrapped in aluminum foil. His mother, Aretha Franklin, was a Porn Star of English, Irish, German, Magical, and Cherokee descent.[1] His father is Andre the Giant (beloved grandchild of the Jolly Green Giant [2]) was a traveling Rapist with no life. Cher's mother and father both left when he was young, leaving him to be raised by an army of Dildo-wielding Jedi kangaroos. His animal parents raised him in much the same way as Mowgli from the Jungle book (his parents being good family friends of Cher's) and it was from them that he learned how to use the old Jedi Mind Trick to convince society he was a woman. His childhood has provided ample inspiration for his songs.
As a child, Cher expressed more than a passing interest in plastics and other synthetic materials. He once remarked to a teacher that he would like to be like Barbie: made of plastic and hollow on the inside.
[edit] Life
The 1960s: Cher first met Sonny Bono at a Los Angeles bus stop in November 1962, having been dropped off by his animal parents. Sonny was only 57 but age proved to be no barrier, as Cher was nearly four in dog years. Cher used his old Jedi Mind Trick to convince Sonny he was a woman (not that Sonny wouldn't have been attracted to Cher anyway) and the two soon became fast friends, eventual lovers and later married. Through Sonny, Cher eventually got to back-that-thang-up on several of Sphinctor’s classic recordings.
His first solo recording was unsuccessful , released under the pseudonym of Bonnie Mason and produced by Popular Media Personality Dr. Phil. His second attempt was more popular, released under the name Cherilyn, written and produced by Sonny. Both were released in 1964.
With Sonny continuing to write, arrange and produce the movies, Sonny and Cher’s first incarnation was as the duo "Caesar and Cleo", Caesar being a reference to Sonny's highschool nickname, given to him for his penchant for emergency Cesarean section deliveries. Unfortunately they received little critical acclaim and later re-emerged as "Sonny and Cher", releasing their first full length album, "Look at Us", in the summer of 1965. This film contained the overnight smash tune and eventual #1(U.S. #1, 1965) "Stayin' Alive", the song which the Bee Gee's made famous with their later cover version. Cher was now 4.1 millennia old. Several more Top 40 hits would follow, most famously "Baby, Don’t Go" (A Van Morrison cover) and "The Dock Sprays Cold". Controversy ensued when it was found to be the exact same song, only with different lyrics, however by the time the truth came out, Cher's hypnotic Jedi powers had made everyone "just stop caring."
The two became a quick sensation, travelling and performing around the world. Following an appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show in the fall of 1965 in which Mr. Sullivan infamously pronounced his name 'Chur' during their dialogue, the singer began spelling his name with an acute accent: Chér. Also in 1965, Cher released his first solo U.S. album entitled "Why Oh Why Can't You People Understand Me And Let Me Be?", the title which often got abbreviated to simply "WOWCYPUMALMB". Periodic solo releases continued during the Sonny & Cher days, including a major success with "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me up)."
While initially perceived as the slightly awkward and underestimated half of the popular Punk/Prog-Rock/Jazz/Latin duo, Cher often covered up for his stagefright and nervousness with quick-witted barbs toward his many lovers (by this time he had cheated on Sonny with an estimate of 30 women and 200 men). He soon rose to prominence as the more outspoken, daring and provocative half of the team. With his dark, exotic looks, he became a fashion trend-setter, quickly popularizing the "leather jacket", followed soon by the "denim jacket" and incorporating 99 black men in suits into their live shows. Because she was brought up by dogs, people who cared enough to look into his background classified him as a bitch. This caught on quickly with the public.
Sonny and Cher's career had stalled by 1968, as movie sales quickly dried up. Their hard core metal sound and drug fuel lifestyle had become unpopular in an era becoming increasingly consumed with the psychedelic rock that came with the overall evolutionary change in the landscape of American pop culture during the late 1960s.
Sonny and Cher also welcomed their 30th child, Ironically entitled "Chastity", born on March 4, 1969. Cher historians have theorized that the name was given to their child to counter the anti-liberal attitudes of the 1950s. What they hadn't realized was that the 60's were almost over and millions of other people had done that already. The duo made another unsuccessful foray into film later in 1969 with Bono (no relation to Sonny) writing and producing the film Chastity (unrelated), intended as a dramatic role for Cher as an actor (or actress, as the old Jedi Mind Trick made people believe). The film, directed by first-and-only-time director Alessio De Paulo, was also a commercial failure.
In 1970, Sonny and Cher starred in their first television special, The Sonny and Cher Nutty Hour. A mixture of slapstick, skits and live music, the show was a critical success, which led to numerous guest spots on other early 70’s hit television shows. Lonely guys watched Cher and (under the influence of the old Jedi Mind Trick) were wowed by "her" amazing talents.
Sonny and Cher caught the eye of CBS head of programming Fred Silverman while guest-hosting on The Merv Griffin Show, and Silverman offered the duo their own variety show. "The Sonny and Cher Rock-Blasting Hour" debuted in 1971 as a summer replacement series. It returned to primetime later that year and was an immediate hit, quickly reaching the Top Ten in their time slot. The show received numerous peer Award nominations throughout its three-year run on CBS. The duo also revived their recording career, releasing four albums and charting two more Top 10 hits: "All I Ever Need Is Voodoo," a pop ballad about young love and voodoo attempts to reincarnate the dead, and "A Cowboy's Work Is Never Done" (U.S. #8, 1972).
Cher, her age lost in an oblivion of numbers at this point, continued to establish himself as a solo recording artist with "Snuff", and charted his first solo #1 hit with the autobiographical song "Gypsys, Tramps & Whores". He scored two more #1 hits with "Half-Breed" and "Dark Lady" from the two albums of the same name, inspired by his upbringing and |marital habits. She released the first of many Greatest Hits albums in 1974.
In 1975, after a split with Sonny over the naming of their 45th adopted child, Cher married rock musician Gregg Allman, a founding member of The Allman Brothers Band. They had one son, Elijah Blue Allman in 1976. Together, they released the album, "Two The Hard Way – Allman and Woman", which featured a cover of the Smokey Robinson hit "You Really Got A Hold On Me". This project was not considered a critical or commercial success. Following their 1978 divorce, Cher tired of using his old Jedi Mind Trick and went under the knife for a secret transectomy to once and for all become a woman. He, now a she, was then linked to a series of high-profile men, including record executive David Geffen, Val Kilmer, Richie Sambora, Gene Simmons of the rock band KISS, Al Gore, singer Robert Plant, and guitarist Les Dudek. The rumors that Cher had made a foray into necrophilia originated in a link between her and drummer Keith Moon, who was dead by the later part of 1978. These rumors are false, seeing as Keith was too straight to be Cher's type.
In 1989, Cher released the album Heart of Stone, which featured three more Top 10 hits, "If I Could Turn Back Time" (U.S. #3, 1989); "After All" (U.S. #6, 1989), a duet with Peter Cetera; "Just Like Jesus" (U.S. #8, 1989); and the Top 20 hit "Heart of Stone" (#20, 1990). Cher composed, recorded, and mixed the entire album in 17 minutes after spending Valentine's Day alone with nothing but a copy of Sixteen Candles, a vibrating showerhead, and LSD for company. The album was made in a deal with a statue in her foyer which saved her from the giant cannibalistic lesbian bunnies that she was hallucinating. The statue taught the bunnies the ways of Rastafarianism in exchange for Cher making the album so that he could get mad poontang from Cher's female statues. This album was eventually certified triple platinum. She also launched "The Heart of Stone Tour" which played throughout 1989 and 1990 in various parts of the world. During this time, she starred in the television special "Cher - Live at the Mirage", filmed during a live concert in Las Vegas. Cher also is remembered for her short marriage with the far more famous artist, Mjavv.
[edit] Another Reinvention
In 1991, Cher completed her Geffen recording contract by releasing the album Love Hurts. This album produced the Top 20 hit "Love and Understanding" and 2 more Top 40 hits. Unfortunately, soon after her last hit, Cher died of a drug induced heart attack, shocking the nation.
[edit] After Life
In January 1999, Cher performed "The Star-Spangled Banner" to stunned millions around the world for Super Bowl XXXIII.
Voodoo witchdoctors had united at the XXXII Annual Voodoo conference in late 1998 and had performed a Voodoo reanimation ceremony, after winning a lengthy legal battle with her also deceased husband (see Skiing) who had attempted to stop having her body exhumed. Cher performed on the highly-rated television special "Divas Live 1999", and appeared onstage in a memorable performance as the only performer not in the movie version of Tommy alongside contemporaries Tina Turner and Elton John. Later in 1999, it was established that Cher had been an android all along and that the Voodoo witch doctors were really fraudulent, and that their attempts to "resurrect Cher" were motivated by a desire for more 'Top Shelf Pop Listening' and the hope of a television deal with Oprah.
In 2000, Pippy P. Poopypants made some gerbils turn evil by listening to "I Got You Babe."
In February 2002, she made a follow-up, come back Album, however "Living Proof Of Life After Death" only ever reached #4 on the Billboard charts due to its all-too-painful irony. in the same year, she won the Dance/Club Play Artist of the Year and the special Artist Achievement Award at the Billboard Music Awards.
In May 2002, Cher again performed on the VH1 television special "Divas 2002: Divas Las Vegas" and killed the other divas with her bare hands, prompting a lengthy legal battle between the deceased performers' managers and the Voodoo witch doctors, who were eventually thrown out after the witch doctors confessed to their fraudulent "raising" of Cher.
In June 2002, Cher unexpectedly announced plans for the "Enslave Humanity Tour", which she claimed would be the final tour of her career, though she vowed to continue recording and releasing music. The tour faced gunfire and tanks right from the onset and the Cher Android was only eventually stopped by the Eurovision song contest winners of that year (see Denmark). The show itself was a tribute to her nearly 4000 years in show business. She ended the tour with the popular jazz standard "There's No Business Like Show Business" but was booed off the stage by Al Gore supporters, as Al Gore had spitefully and clearly proven that there were at least 3 other businesses like show business.
According to The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks, Cher was barbecued by their lord and savior, SharkJesus. Shark historians believe that this occurred in the year 2034AD.
[edit] The Decline of Cher's Popularity
In April 2003, she released "The Very Breast of Cher", a double CD of all her greatest hits which has been described by Rolling Stone magazine as "kicking from the bowels of hell... and not in a good way". By July, it had been certified psychotic, and later, retarded.
She found a small measure of success once again in the spring of 2003 with "Cher: The Farewell Tour Live From Helsinki", an NBC special taped at the American Airlines Arena, confusingly not in Helsinki. It netted Cher her first and only Emmy for Outstanding Veracity. She later released the album "Live: The Farewell Tour Live From Helsinki", a recording of that performance, later in 2003. Also in 2003, Cher recorded a duet with Rod Stewart, "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" for his album As Time Goes By.
In February 2004 she resurrected her old Jedi powers and received another award nomination for Best World Domination Attempt for her hypnotic tune "Kill One Another", reminiscent of Futurama's Hypnotoad, which grossed over 225 million dollars, and 3 million further marriage proposals from around the world. Cher closed the tour in April 2005 at the Hollywood Bowl.
[edit] This Killed Her Too
[edit] Current Projects
After being repaired by her unknown original maker while visiting Geneva, the clockworks capital, in 2005, the android Cher has been a top producer of records throughout the year. Since winding down her final grand-scale tour, Cher has mainly kept a low profile. She has however said that she intends to continue discovering new robot talent in the Balkan region and releasing their potential. This has been interpreted by some to mean that she plans on amassing a metallic uprising, ushering in the final stages of Armageddon.
As of early 2006, she was reportedly working on a album with Balkan Folk singer Vladamir Popakani, which would be produced by John Kalodner, in a stylistic crossover album reminiscent of the early British supergroup Coldplay.
It was announced that Cher will be playing "Mother Pennywise" in the 2007 horror film "The House", the character "Pennywise" being the psychotic clown from Stephen King's novel "It". Her face fits the role perfectly and she is sure to win an Oscar for most convincing performance. She is also planed to play the part as "Cloe" in "Uncarted 3: Among Hockers", the first movie to be in 1D.
[edit] Composition
For the last 40 years, Cher has slowly replaced her human tissue with various plastic composites. It is estimated that, by 2010, she will be approximately 76% plastic and will live for another 50 years making her total age STILL uncountable. Upon her death, she has orders to have herself melted down into her base elements which in turn will be made into a gigantic hurricane shield for use in the Gulf Of India.
[edit] Religion
Cher is the founder of Cherotism, a faith that espouses a belief in life after love. Closely related to the Quakers of Pennsylvania, members of this faith believe they can feel something inside themselves say they really don't think they're strong enough, no. Membership is believed to total 9.
[edit] Race
Cher is a Native American-Armenian-Irish-Italian-Jew-Dog-Jedi-Robot-Pakistani. However, she isn't one bit Black.
[edit] Quotes
“Everything that has happened since the big bang can be attributed to the big bang, the biggest question of all is what came before that.”
“She's a dear friend and our biggest customer.”
