Sunderland AFC
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The Sunderland Association Football Club (SAFC), also known as the North-East Red Stripes, is a sports club based in North-East England (commonly known as Scumderland [pronounced Scum-der-land]), given its name by the infamous Peter Reid, a.k.a. Monkeyface, in April 13th 1906 after the annual riot of Seaburn where 400 Mackem's faced of against 10 Geordies and managed to survive an impressive 3 minutes against the Geordie hoard [beating the previous record of 12 seconds, set in 1830]. The town changed its name from God's Toilet, (named by God, who is based in London) as the name became no longer relevant due to the fact that God (or any other deity for that matter) stopped visiting Sunderland because the plagues that was being carried by that cesspit of a city would have been fatal even to a God. To stop the tide of purity pouring from the great kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, fearing it would improve thier dismal town, the locals erected a 200ft, impregnable and impeneterable wall around the perimeter of the city. Consequently, the Geordies filled it with water... Then knocked it down a week later, because they couldn't go long without needing to laugh at and humiliate the Mackems.
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[edit] History
Sunderland AFC was founded by Walter Wall, a fat, balding man from Washington who won Mr. Fat Bastard 18 years running,as he was the only one that entered the food eating contest, more commonly known as William Hutchings, a severely depressed man with too many toes and many cats. Hutchings is also famous for the takeover and regeneration of the popular bedding brand Slumberland, and is now in charge of a carpet shop in the North East of England, his most successful business venture to date.
[edit] Bob Murray
Robert 'Moses-Mohammed' Murray took over the club in a hostile takeover from local pimp Sir Peter Vardy. According to local press reports, Murray was angered at having bought a Rover 200 from Vardy which later disintergrated on the A19. Once having acquired the club, Murray threw debt at the club like the Russian he was. The club soon rocketed sky high to 7th in the Premiership (which to them was like winning £10 on the lottery) under the guidance of Peter Reid, a monkey that Bob borrowed from the local zoo.
They soon went right back down to the bottom of the pile, which to be fair was still higher than they were in the first place. Bob gained hero status on Tyneside after sabotaging every attempt by the players to stay in the Premiership and frequently got them relegated. Because of his reckless "spending" on players, he could only afford a 49,000 seater stadium on the radioactive banks of the River Weird (which is full of Tesco trollies, radioactive nuclear waste, dead bodies, half eaten mars bars, crisp packets and parasites, more collectively known as the fans). This became known as the Stadium of Shite.
In the 2005-2006 season, Sunderland's record breaking year (their own record as well), something tragic happened. Bob Murray sold up to the Drumaville Consortium, led by Niall Quinn, but not without a good fight. Songs were sung in the Stadium of Shite for his resignation about the great debt of his bountiful wallet, that he thankfully led Sunderland to.
[edit] Roasting Video
In December 2006, SAFC funded a short independent film directed by Danny Boyle in which Sunderland footballers past and present demonstrated the correct way to cook a dog using the spit roasting method. Originally they intended to roast a cow but thought that roasting a dog would garner fans in China. The film starred Liam Lawrence, Ben Alnwick, Martin Woods, Chris Brown and Debbie McGee as their helpful assistant. Boyle attempted a brave mix of genres as he combined Master Chef and Match of the Day style commentary. Scenes included preparation (in which Debbie showed us how to blow on the meat, in order to keep it cool), the roasting scene (accompanied by Brown's commentary) and the final scene in which Debbie swallowed all the meat.
[edit] Gay Pride
Sunderland's less than average team often take place in gay pride parades, as much of the squad are avid bummers. it is believed that it was really Dean Whitehead and Kieron Richardson that partook in the infamous 2 girls and 1 cup video but these rumours are unconfirmed. It is also a known thing in the North East that Niall Quinn was featured in 1 guy 1 cup. Either way it's the only cups that Sunderland will win for a very long time...
[edit] Managers
It is a well known fact that the village of sunderland is a hotbed for inbreeding and this is reflected in their supporters who usually have an uneven number of fingers on each hand (this is assuming they have two hands.)Over the years the managers of sunderland have been a colourful breed with the likes of Peter Reid the over-evolved chimpanzee, Mick (I've got a sundial for a nose) Mcarthey, Roy "ILL SMASH YOURE FUCKING CUNT HEAD IN YOU LITTLE ENGLISH FUCKING PRICK MOTHERFUCKER" Keane. Finally we come to the shock appointment of Steve Bruce who was born in the Newcastle area and was tipped to be their manager until it aarose that in his ancestry his great great grandparents where actually brother and sister (even though this is aparent in his monstrous face that looks like a loaf of bread)meant that he was the prime candidate for Sunderland. The next manager is hotly tipped to be El Hajdi Diouf who has become a cult hero for pulling a knife on Anton Ferdinand in training due to the aparent IQ suitability.
[edit] Support
Sunderland supporters are mostly known over England as monkey shites. When they beat their North East rivals Newcastle at home after 28 years they tried to get out of the Stadium of Shite (also known as monkey cage) but they sadly failed. Rumours are that after another 28 years they will be going for an bigger attempt of getting out of the cage. All 103 Sunderland supporters are high ranking members of thier football firm The Seaburn Casuals And live fiercely by their one and only song, "Along the rubbish tip to Newcastle", where they tell of a prophecy that one day they will be released from their living hell and go to paradise, the city 10 miles from thier awful home; Newcastle Upon Tyne. Religious experts find this unlikely to ever occur, as the sanctuary of Newcastle has a strict: No Human, No Entry policy.
This article is fucking shite.
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