Sunderland AFC
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Scumberland Assosiation football? club, abbreviated to SAFC, is a sports club based in North-East England (commonly known as scumbland [pronounced scum-ber-land], given its name by the infamous Peter Reid, a.k.a. Monkeyface, in April 13th 1906 after the annual riot of Seaburn where 400 Mackem's faced of against 10 Geordies and managed to survive an impressive 3 minutes against the geordie hoard [beating the previous record of 12 seconds, set in 1830]. The town changed its name from God's Toilet, (named by God , who is based in London) as the name became no longer relevant due to the fact that God (or any other deity for that matter) stopped visitng Scumbland because all the Mackamettes gained the life-long goal of becoming pregnant by 11. Too stop the tide of purity pouring from the great kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, fearing it would improve thier dismal town, the locals erected a 200ft, impregnable and impeneterable wall around the perimeter of the city. Consequently, the Geordies filled it with water... Then knocked it down a week later, just for the craic.
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[edit] History
Sunderlund AFC was founded by Walter Wall, a fat, balding man from Washington who won Mr. Sunderland Sex Gods 18 years running, more commonly known as William Hutchings, a severely depressed man with too many toes and many cats. Hutchings is also famous for the takeover and regeneration of the popular bedding brand Slumberland, and is now in charge of a carpet shop in the north east of england.
[edit] Bob Murray
Robert 'Moses-Mohammed' Murray took over the club in a hostile takeover from local pimp Sir Peter Vardy. According to local press reports, Murray was angered at having bought a Rover 200 from Vardy which later disintergrated on the A19. Once having acquired the club, Murray threw debt at the club like the Russian he was. The club soon rocketed sky high to 7th in the Premiership under the guidance of Peter Reid, a monkey that Bob borrowed from the local zoo. They soon went right back down to the bottom of the pile, which to be fair was still higher than they were in the first place. Unfortunately because of his reckless "spending" on players, he could only afford a 49,000 seater on the radioactive banks of the river wear (which is full of tesco trollies, radioactive nuclear waste, dead bodies, half eaten mars bars, crisp packets and parasites). This became known as the Stadium of Shite.
In the 2005-2006 season, Sunderland's record breaking year (their own record as well), fat bastard Murray became a hero of fans. Songs were sung in the Stadium of Shite for his resignition about the greatness debt of his bountiful wallet, that he led sunderland to. One fan even went to the trouble of presenting Murray with a penny coin at a Newcastle restaurant to help raise the funds. Fortunately the fan tripped and lacerated Murray and his wife in the face with the coin
[edit] Roasting Video
In December 2006, SAFC funded a short independent film directed by Danny Boyle in which Sunderland footballers past and present demonstrated the correct way to cook a dog using the spit roasting method. Originally they intended to roast a cow but thought that roasting a dog would garner fans in China. The film starred Liam Lawrence, Ben Alnwick, Martin Woods, Chris Brown and Debbie McGee as their helpful assistant. Boyle attempted a brave mix of genres as he combined Master Chef and Match of the Day style commentary. Scenes included preparation (in which Debbie showed us how to blow on the meat, in order to keep it cool), the roasting scene (accompanied by Brown's commentary) and the final scene in which Debbie swallowed all the meat
[edit] Gay Pride
Sunderlands less than average team often take place in gay pride parades, as much of the squad are avid bummers. it is believed that it was really Dean Whitehead and Kieron Richardson that partook in the infamous 2 girls and 1 cup video but these rumours are unconfirmed. It is also a known thing in the North East that Niall Quinn was featured in 1 guy 1 cup.
[edit] Support
Sunderland supporters are mostly known over England as monkey shites. When they beat their North East rivals Newcastle at home after 28 years they tried to get out of the Stadium of Shite (also known as monkey cage) but they sadly failed. Rumours are that after another 28 years they will be going for an bigger attempt of getting out of the cage. All 103 Scumbland supporters are high ranking memebers of thier football firm The Seaburn Casuals And live fiercly by thier one and only song, "Along the rubbish tip to Newcastle" Where they tell of a prophecy that one day they will be released from thier living hell and go to paradise, the city 10 miles from thier awful home; Newcastle Upon Tyne. Religious experts find this unlikely to ever occur, as the sanctuary of Newcastle has a strict: No Shoes, No Entry policy.
[edit] The Squad
This is a selection of the creatures that like to lose for Sunderland.
- Craig " Waste of money " Gordon
- Kevin shit bag Kyle
- Julio legend Arca
- Liam spiceboy bastard Lawrence
- Niall soiled his disco pants Quinn
- patrick fucking wank mbomba
- Micheal half indian Chopra
- Chris forever on the fucking floor Brown
- Paul ugly ginger knob Mcshane
- Kenwyne cunt Jones
Manager Mickey "Fight Clubhouse" Sabrina
1 GK Craig"Cheap as chips" Gordon
2 DF Phil"hardboy" Bardsley
3 DF George"the cock" McCartney
4 MF Dickson"Joey's Best Mate" Etuhu
5 DF Nyron"knob" Nosworthy
6 DF Paul"Ginger cunt" McShane
7 MF Carlos" Brazilian footwork " Edwards
8 MF Dean Shitehead (captain)
9 FW Anthony"plays for" Stoke
10 MF Kieran"the gimp" Richardson
11 FW Daryl"just wierd" Murphy
12 MF Liam"unknown" Miller
13 GK Darren"Better Than Craig but still crap" Ward
14 DF Danny"the piece of shit" Higginbotham
15 DF Danny"Fenneshne" Collins
16 FW Michael" half indian" Chopra
17 FW Kenwyne" The bean pole legend" Jones
18 MF Grant"pint of" Leadbitter
19 MF Dwight "Jordan's bitch" Yorke
20 MF Andy"fat boy" Reid
21 DF Russell"Wanker" Anderson
A.N.Other-Cunt
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