“Move over you tosser!”
“Why don't you stop and milk it!”
Sunday drivers are a category of people who insist on driving at least 30% slower than the speed limit, almost exclusively on a Sunday. Whilst, counterintuitively, Sunday drivers have been known to drive on a Saturday on occasion, or even for some Godforsaken reason on a weekday, their ventures almost always end in a car crash and sometimes in their demise.
It is important to note that you or I are never Sunday drivers; Sunday drivers are always other people.
Sunday drivers have existed almost as long as the mass-produced automobile itself. However, since cars were so slow back then anyway, it was near impossible to identify the Sunday driver when late and frustrated regular drivers also drove 30% below a proper speed. Some social analysts also argue that the Sunday driver is simply an evolution of the much older Sunday rider, whose tendency to ride a horse on Sundays at little more than a trot's pace, especially on long open roads, infuriated many gallop-loving citizens.
Sunday drivers could be a different species entirely to ourselves. Theorists have suggested that, whilst human-like in appearance, Sunday drivers are extraterrestrial, having set off from their own home planet to settle on Earth some 40,000 years ago from the planet Mars. Their spaceships, whilst capable of truly impressive speeds, were flown so as to trundle along in space at their signature "comfortable" and "relaxing" pace of around 30 miles per hour. Some people even fear that this alien species plans world domination, but that they have figuratively taken "the scenic route" to do so, and should not realistically complete any execution of a plan in the next seven or eight millennia.
Psychological and behavioural traits
The official Manual of Psychiatry does not recognise Sunday drivers as a discrete category of character disorder, but we know that their minds are dark and empty places. The Sunday driver is not necessarily thick, but the dangerous coupling of an unrelinquished passion for scenery, to a complete inability to process said enjoyment in real time, consequently feeds the impression that their brains are, mostly, mush. Sunday drivers might choose Sunday to commit their motorcar-orientated atrocities because it is traditionally seen as a day of rest, and consequently they can get away with snoozing at the wheel. This half-conscious method of driving often causes them to haphazardly drift out into the middle of the road, making it nearly impossible to overtake them.
Sunday drivers are often spotted driving, somewhat aimlessly, around places of natural beauty, such as The Lake District in Great Britain. Whilst they may set off from their homes, often with their excited families, for a day out hiking or sightseeing, they often take so long to reach their destination that, once reached, they simply have to turn around and go back. The Sunday driver then tries to save face by claiming he only intended to go on "a drive out" — that going and then returning without doing anything in-between was always his purpose.
Identifying the Sunday driver
Fortunately for others on the road, the Sunday driver not only drives his automobile based on the speeds that were posted half a century ago, but also follows fashions that were prevalent half a century ago. This usually includes wearing a hat, and the hat is usually a boater.
The Sunday driver also has the hairstyle that was prevalent half a century ago, back when his hair had a color other than white. For this reason, sighting a so-called Q-Tip behind the wheel is a warning that the driver may exhibit the signature traits of a Sunday driver.
- ↑ A separate problem with overtaking a Sunday driver is that it is inevitable that his high beams will blind you for the next couple of minutes, until you pull away from him. This annoyance is often a reminder that it was comparatively safer when you had him in front of you.