Suicide

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<div class="usermessage">''Please take a look at the [[Talk:{{PAGENAME}}|<span style="color:#002bb8;text-decoration;cursor:pointer;">talk page</span>]] of this article for whining and handwringing before you start editing.''</div>
 
{{whoops|escape}}
 
{{whoops|HowTo:Wake up from a bad reality}}
 
{{Happystub}}
 
{{Sad}}
 
 
[[File:Sumicidey.jpg|frame|right|Just do it already.]]
 
[[File:Sumicidey.jpg|frame|right|Just do it already.]]
   
'''Suicide''' (from [[Latin]] ''saosin'' meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called [[Japanese|harakiri]], self-destruction, or [[al-Qaeda|Jihad]]) is [[lie|painless]]. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was disovered by [[Osama Bin Laden]] that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.
+
'''Suicide''' (from [[Latin]] ''saosin'' meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called [[Japanese|harakiri]], self-destruction, or [[Islam|Jihad]]) is [[lie|painless]]. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was discovered by [[Muhammad]] that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.
   
[[Image:Hopscotch.jpg|thumb|Some people have even made a game out of it.]]
 
   
 
==Medical treatments==
 
==Medical treatments==
  +
[[Image:Hopscotch.jpg|thumb|left|Some people have even made a game out of it.]]
   
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat [[funeral|less costly]] than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the [[unemployment]] rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the [[FDA]] as a second-stage treatment for [[cancer]], [[AIDS]], and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for [[blue balls]] and [[smoking]] cessation.
+
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat [[Jew|less costly]] than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the [[unemployment]] rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the [[FDA]] as a second-stage treatment for [[cancer]], [[AIDS]], and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for [[blue balls]] and [[smoking]] cessation.
   
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for [[Soylent Green|nutritional supplements]] and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
+
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for [[Bath Salts|nutritional supplements]] and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
   
 
==Suicide videos==
 
==Suicide videos==
   
Suicide videos are collected regularly on NothingToxic, arguably the favorite website of [[Pedophilia|Pedobears]]. Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to [[YouTube]], but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The [[fucker]]s hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in [[Hebrew]] that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the [[Torah]], just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the [[Oscars]] to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
+
Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to [[YouTube]], but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The [[fucker]]s hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in [[Hebrew]] that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the [[Torah]], just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the [[Oscars]] to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
   
 
==Legal Status==
 
==Legal Status==
   
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In [[Arkansas]], [[Colorado]], [[Northern Virginia]], and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like [[Switzerland]], [[Euthanasia]] and [[Lithuania]]. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.
+
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In [[Arkansas]], [[Colorado]], [[Northern Virginia]], and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50. It is a major industry in countries like [[Switzerland]], [[Euthanasia]] and [[Lithuania]]. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.
   
 
== Dignity ==
 
== Dignity ==
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*Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
 
*Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
 
*Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an [[George Dubya Bush|Idiot]]. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
 
*Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an [[George Dubya Bush|Idiot]]. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
*Raped By A Large Herbivore. You get ass rammed by a ram and everyone laughs at you during, the cops won't help you because you're getting fucked in the ass and they're laughing too hard. Eventually you get crushed to death or drown in the semen, this is also the Gayest way you can die.
 
*Throw yourself off a skyscraper. You just might actually live, but 109% of the time, you end up dead. Besides, you might end up killing someone down there.
 
*Slicing your entire body parts into a blender. WILL IT BLEND?
 
*Jumping to a pit full of spikes and [[zombies]]. Trust me, you'll be losing a few body parts, including your [[nuts]].
 
*Dishonoring Chuck Norris. Again, the most painful way to die, and you will be the most hated person on earth and people will fuck your corpse.
 
*Getting that wimpy Chuck Norris in the groin, like I do every day.
 
   
 
==Neat facts about suicide==
 
==Neat facts about suicide==
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*If you do it right, you'll get a bunch of [[virgins]]!
 
*If you do it right, you'll get a bunch of [[virgins]]!
 
*If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
 
*If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
*Suicide is illegal in three out of twelve universes.
+
*Because suicide can be painless, it brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please.
*Suicide is the leading cause of self-inflicted death in America according to [[Captain Obvious]] and his [[Bitch]] friends.
+
*You MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.
*Three million people an hour commit suicide in America. (Well, wouldn't you?)
 
*Suicide was invented by [[Ziggy Stardust]] in an attempt to exorcise the demon [[David Bowie]] from his body.
 
*You should just kill yourself, [[Lie|it's fun]].
 
*If ''you'' do commit suicide, you'll never get to have sex with a live girl but you will get to fuck some hot demon whores/zombie hookers.
 
*Suicide is apparently [[42|the ultimate solution to life and other problems]].
 
*Attempting suicide can make people worried about you [no really! they actually care!? pysche]
 
*Suicide, it's a suicide (biddy by by) Suicide, it's a suicide! also by [[Captain Obvious]] and his [[Sexy]] [[friends]]
 
*Because suicide can be painless. It brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please. Bitch ass mother fucker!
 
*WARNING! Please note you MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.
 
 
*Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.
 
*Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.
*Suicide may be fatal if correctly attempted
 
 
*Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others
 
*Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others
   
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And while you're there you might as well shoot some random bystanders.
 
And while you're there you might as well shoot some random bystanders.
   
*Method 2 (Chuck Norris)
+
*Method 2 (Windows)
This one is easy but also the most painful.
 
Just say: "The roundhouse kick sucks" and before you know it Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you off the planet and erase you from the universe.
 
 
*Method 3 (Windows)
 
 
You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one.
 
You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one.
 
Buy one if you don't have one.
 
Buy one if you don't have one.
 
Then go to the top of The Empire state building.
 
Then go to the top of The Empire state building.
 
Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.
 
Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.
  +
  +
*Method 3 (Phone)
  +
If you live in the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 or 911 to bring the men in white suits. They will take you to a [[Hospital|happier place]], and give you [[medicine|medications]] to help put you out of your misery. <!-- Serious note: This is the suicide crisis hotline in the U.S. If you need help, please call this or a similar crisis line in your country. Also, the medications won't kill you, they'll just take away the voices in your head that are urging you to do the wrong thing.-->
   
 
==Memorable last words==
 
==Memorable last words==
  +
[[Image:Suicidewrestler.jpg|thumb|If you were looking for this guy, tough.]]
 
{{Q|I HOPE THE JEWS DONT HATE ME FOR THIS|[[Adolf Hitler]]}}
 
{{Q|I HOPE THE JEWS DONT HATE ME FOR THIS|[[Adolf Hitler]]}}
 
{{Q|It's little stuffy in here, I think I'll go outside for some fresh air.|Martin Luther King Jr.}}
 
 
 
{{Q|Is that a gun you're holding, [[Courtney Love|Courtney?]]|Kurt Cobain}}
 
{{Q|Is that a gun you're holding, [[Courtney Love|Courtney?]]|Kurt Cobain}}
 
 
{{Q|The snake is harmless!|[[Cleopatra|Queen Cleopatra]]}}
 
{{Q|The snake is harmless!|[[Cleopatra|Queen Cleopatra]]}}
 
 
{{Q|I drank what?|Socrates}}
 
{{Q|I drank what?|Socrates}}
 
 
{{Q|Stay away, this [[Gun|thing]] will hurt someone.|Budd Dwyer}}
 
{{Q|Stay away, this [[Gun|thing]] will hurt someone.|Budd Dwyer}}
 
 
{{Q|This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.|Saddam Hussein}}
 
{{Q|This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.|Saddam Hussein}}
 
 
{{Q|How does this scarf look?|Isadora Duncan}}
 
{{Q|How does this scarf look?|Isadora Duncan}}
 
 
{{Q|I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!|[[Virginia Woolf]]}}
 
{{Q|I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!|[[Virginia Woolf]]}}
 
 
{{Q|Are you ready for a noose sensation?|Michael Hutchence}}
 
{{Q|Are you ready for a noose sensation?|Michael Hutchence}}
+
{{Q|Nice fishie!|Steve Irwin}}
{{Q|What does this button do?|Who Gives a Damn no.2}}
 
 
{{Q|It's just a sting ray!|Steve Irwin R.I.P.}}
 
 
 
{{Q|Are you sure I will sparkle?|Edward Cullen}}
 
{{Q|Are you sure I will sparkle?|Edward Cullen}}
 
{{Q|Which side does the bullet come out of?|Pvt. Zensles}}
 
 
 
{{Q|ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!!!!!|[[Osama Bin Laden]]}}
 
{{Q|ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!!!!!|[[Osama Bin Laden]]}}
 
[[Image:Suicidewrestler.jpg|thumb|If you were looking for this guy, Tough fucking shit.]]
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
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*[[HowTo:Commit Suicide]]
 
*[[HowTo:Commit Suicide]]
 
*[[HowTo:Turn Your Life Around]]
 
*[[HowTo:Turn Your Life Around]]
*[[Flight]]
 
{{insane}}
 
   
 
[[Category:Jumping]]
 
[[Category:Jumping]]
[[Category:Invisible Things]]
 
 
[[Category:Mental Illness]]
 
[[Category:Mental Illness]]
 
[[Category:Psychology]]
 
[[Category:Psychology]]
[[Category:People Who May Have Murdered JFK]]
 
[[Category:Things that may give you bad grades]]
 
[[Category:I Didn't Know I Had It In Me]]
 
 
[[Category:Stunts]]
 
[[Category:Stunts]]
 
[[Category:Vital articles]]
 
[[Category:Vital articles]]
   
[[Category:Articles Where You'd Fall While Looking for Bands or Musicians]]
 
 
[[cs:Sebevražda]]
 
[[cs:Sebevražda]]
 
[[da:Selvmord]]
 
[[da:Selvmord]]
Line 126: Line 95:
 
[[pt:Suicídio]]
 
[[pt:Suicídio]]
 
[[ru:Самоубийство]]
 
[[ru:Самоубийство]]
  +
[[sk:Samovražda]]
 
[[sv:Självmord]]
 
[[sv:Självmord]]
 
[[zh:自杀]]
 
[[zh:自杀]]

Latest revision as of 21:02, April 10, 2014

Sumicidey
Just do it already.

Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was discovered by Muhammad that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.


edit Medical treatments

Hopscotch
Some people have even made a game out of it.

Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.

Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.

edit Suicide videos

Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Hebrew that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the Torah, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.

edit Legal Status

Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, Northern Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.

edit Dignity

Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...

Donaldduckwithagun
Donald Duck will die with dignity.
  • Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
  • Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
  • Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.

edit Neat facts about suicide

Happy-feet-6
  • If you do it right, you'll get a bunch of virgins!
  • If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
  • Because suicide can be painless, it brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please.
  • You MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.
  • Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.
  • Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others

edit How to commit suicide

  • Method 1 (Road kill)

You'll need a gun and a road. Go to a road Keep standing on the road until a car will hit you. And while you're there you might as well shoot some random bystanders.

  • Method 2 (Windows)

You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one. Buy one if you don't have one. Then go to the top of The Empire state building. Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.

  • Method 3 (Phone)

If you live in the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 or 911 to bring the men in white suits. They will take you to a happier place, and give you medications to help put you out of your misery.

edit Memorable last words

Suicidewrestler
If you were looking for this guy, tough.
“I HOPE THE JEWS DONT HATE ME FOR THIS”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?
“The snake is harmless!”
“I drank what?”
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“How does this scarf look?”
~ Isadora Duncan
“I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!”
“Are you ready for a noose sensation?”
~ Michael Hutchence
“Nice fishie!”
“Are you sure I will sparkle?”
“ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!!!!!”

edit See also

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