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Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was discovered by Muhammad that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. Complete suicide videos are hardly ever posted. Researchers believe this is because Americans are fat and lazy.
The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some crap in Hebrew for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. Again, most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the Torah, just to make a suicide video look good, when there isn't even a prospect of a record contract. So nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video. However, hope springs eternal.
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, for example, suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50.
Suicide is a major industry in countries like Scotland and Euthanasia. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: compassionate depression counseling. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries, though medaling at the Pan-Arabian Games requires that it be done in the middle of a crowded area.
Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
- Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
- Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
- Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
How to commit suicide
Main article: HowTo:Commit Suicide
- Method 1 (Road kill)
You'll need a gun and a road. Go to a road. Keep standing on the road until a car hits you.
- Method 2 (Windows)
You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one. Buy one if you don't have one. Then go to the top of The Empire state building. Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.
Note that once you select one of the above methods, you cannot try the others.
Memorable last words
“I HOPE THE JEWS DONT HATE ME FOR THIS”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?”
“The snake is harmless!”
“I drank what?”
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“How does this scarf look?”
“I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!”
“Well, Waylon, you got yer' wish.”
“Are you ready for a noose sensation?”
“Are you sure I will sparkle?”