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Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was discovered by Muhammad that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.
edit Medical treatments
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
edit Suicide videos
Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Hebrew that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the Torah, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
edit Legal Status
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, Northern Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.
Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
- Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
- Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
- Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
edit Neat facts about suicide
- If you do it right, you'll get a bunch of virgins!
- If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
- Because suicide can be painless, it brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please.
- You MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.
- Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.
- Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others
edit How to commit suicide
- Method 1 (Road kill)
You'll need a gun and a road. Go to a road Keep standing on the road until a car will hit you. And while you're there you might as well shoot some random bystanders.
- Method 2 (Windows)
You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one. Buy one if you don't have one. Then go to the top of The Empire state building. Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.
- Method 3 (Phone)
edit Memorable last words
“I HOPE THE JEWS DONT HATE ME FOR THIS”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?”
“The snake is harmless!”
“I drank what?”
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“How does this scarf look?”
“I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!”
“Are you ready for a noose sensation?”
“Are you sure I will sparkle?”