From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I kind of regret it.”
Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. You can take or leave it if you please. For centuries it was used as the primary means of relieving ghost hauntings, until later scientific advances in exorcism were developed. In popular culture, suicide has proved a lucrative economic strategy for performing artists, as dead artists make more money than the living ones - just ask Jimi Hendrix or Kurt Cobain. Suicide remains a popular topic, but libraries refuse to lend out books about suicide, since no one ever returns them.
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for committing suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, for example, suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50.
Suicide is a major industry in countries like Scotland and Euthanasia. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: compassionate depression counseling. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries, though medaling at the Pan-Arabian Games that it be done in the middle of a crowded area.
Committing suicide is considered cheating according to the rules of America's favorite sport Comparative Suffering as it allows anyone to instantly win the complaining game regardless of how traumatizing their life story story actually is; this is why the elderly hate it when young people die because they no longer get to pull pain rank.
Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper, or any other act of self sacrifice which earns you a posthumous medal from the military that most religious organizations are reluctant to consider suicide in fear of seeming unpatriotic, don't be fooled by the name suicide mission. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
- Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
- Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up? You might shoot someone else thru a wall though in which case they'll steal your spotlight.
- Overdosing. The pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
- Eaten by wild animals. Who needs a physician or technology when you can just cover your self in honey and bacon and go for a walk through the wilderness? Did you know that over four hundred people are eaten naturally by Lions every year?
Many religions, notably including Catholicism, and even some New Agers, believe that suicide is a sin that is unforgivable by the Supreme Deity. When you think about it it makes sense - if forgiveness can only occur while you are living and not while you are dead, if you sin by murdering yourself, there is no time between making yourself dead and BEING dead to ask for forgiveness. Except perhaps if you pick a slow suicide method, such as smoking, overeating, or drinking too much. Even some faster suicide methods, such as falling to one's death or suffocating in a locked garage or freezer, can take 7 to 30 seconds to 10 minutes to work: not much time to say a prayer for forgiveness, but it might still be possible. However, if you believe like New Agers do, that the state of mind you are in at the time of death carries over and is UNCHANGED in the afterlife, that state of mind you were in then surrounds you, is amplified, and becomes itself your hell, so in effect you just created your own Hell. Which basically would make suicide pointless for any depressed person. Intervention by Ouija board for persons deceased by suicide would generally not be a good idea if this is the case, because they are likely to be very angry at themselves and the human world for what they have done to themselves, as it is human nature to blame everyone but oneself. The wiser path is to change oneself and improve oneself rather than creating one's own trap and downfall.
- Pseudocide: Making your loved ones think you killed yourself is just as painful, it requires more effort, but is reversible and lets you crash your own funeral, which will probably be the last place you're invited to.
- Death row: The most effective legal deterrent to suicide.
- The Government Guide to Killing Yourself
- Why?:Give Up
- Why?:You Should Kill Yourself
- HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick
- HowTo:Turn Your Life Around
- Darwin Award
- HowTo:Wake up from a bad reality
- If you have lost your sense of humor, help is just around the corner.