Suicide
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Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes.
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[edit] Medical treatment
Nowadays, suicide is also an important medical treatment for depression. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee and has led to numerous outbursts in the gay community as well.
[edit] Suicide videos
Suicide videos are collected regularly on NothingToxic, arguably the favorite website of Pedobears. Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Arabic that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Arabic, much less memorize stuff out of the Koran, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
[edit] Suicide Videos, examples of
Warning: Rated A for Awesome.
A cool way to commit suicide [2]
Ghost Rider [3]
[edit] Legal Status
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, North Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area.
[edit] Dignity
Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
- Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot (unless you're black) and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
- Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
- Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
- Raped By A Large Herbivore. You get ass rammed by a ram and everyone laughs at you during, the cops won't help you because you're getting fucked in the ass and they're laughing too hard. Eventually you get crushed to death or drown in the semen, this is also the Gayest way you can die.
[edit] Grounds for Suicide
- You suck at life.
- IQ results were negative.
- You have AIDS... and could never stand to wait around for things.
- You got a chain letter on the Internet that says that the sender committed suicide and sent this message to five people... would be bad luck to break the chain!
- You got a message from your girlfriend dumping you, and one from your boss saying you are fired. (Caused by excessive use of LCD)
- Always thought of kickass ways to die.
- Hey! The Israelis lifted the curfew for two hours today!
- You have herpes or herpes II: the return
- You are emo, and it is your sacred duty to commit suicide
- Family needs a space filler for the new garden.
- You couldn't get that woman to have sex with you.
- You did have sex with that woman.
- Some guy in England made a scented candle of the Holy Prophet Mummawoowoo (Whipped Cream Be Upon Him), so somebody has to blow himself up inside the local Arthur Treacher's Fish And Chips in protest. Might as well be you...
- Turns out that girl didn't really like you after all. 'Cause you're gay.
- Turns out you didn't really like that girl after all. 'Cause you're gay.
- You were looking up things on the Internet when you ran across a video on YouTube that said that anyone who watches this video will commit suicide in seven days.
- You're trying to impress Jodie Foster
- Because IB exams are around the corner and the way to true enlightenment is death.
- It's better this way.
- You got conned by the adeptus redshirtii
- You don't like your starting stats and equipment.
- You turned your girlfriend into a lesbian.
- You've read all the Twilight books
- You are bored.
- Uncyclopedia got banned by international law
- You lost the game. DAMMIT!
- You won the game.(Hold on, that doesn't drive you to suicide!) [DAMMIT!]
- You've listened to the whole of Disintegration by The Cure which is a great album!
- You want your 72 virgins.
- You always wanted to know what it would feel like to touch a 20000 volt live wire.
- Having noone reply to your facebook status.
- Just got Rickroll'd for one fucking time too many...
[edit] Suicide Methods
Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny, pink pieces while in a crowded area. However this outlook is an over generalization and not representative of the plethora of methods that are available to the suicide recipient, including:
- Three Words: Napoleon Dynamite Marathon.
- Not Eating ham and cheese sandwiches.
- Swallowing a live cat.
- Jumping off a building.
- Attempt to take rob a military base with a fake gun.
- Try to force yourself through a key hole.
- Have anal sex with a black man.
- Shooting thyself with a gun.
- Pulling the pin of thy Holy Hand Grenade and counting past 3
- Shooting thy bar-B-Q propane tank with a gun.
- Shooting at thy friendly neighborhood police officer with a gun loaded with rock salt.
- Sitting on a powerful drain in the deep end of a pool.
- Slitting one's wrist the RIGHT way. (which involves a cordless electric carving knife and your ex-wife's Thanksgiving dinner party)
- Rollerblading on power lines.
- Watch 12 straight hours of Pride and Prejudice.
- Drinking a bleach/vodka cocktail.
- Play the Andrew W.K. drinking game
- Actually attempting a flying fuck through a rolling donut over the Grand Canyon.
- Hanging self.
- Drowning oneself in a washing machine.
- Flying a hang glider into the oncoming jet engine of an aircraft in final approach, causing thousands of fatalities as it loses control and veers into the line of parked aircraft at the terminal.
- Singing rousing Orangemen hymns in the pub on St. Paddy's Day.
- Swimming in the beautiful blue lagoon at the power plant where they keep the depleted fuel rods.
- Peeing on the third rail for your YouTube Mythbusters knockoff.
- Mixing up the labels on the turpentine and moonshine.
- Excessive head/brick interaction
- Snorting the mysterious white powder you found in a big bag in the janitor's closet that you and your buddies at school think must be drugs.
- Picking up skank hookers on the South Side of Chicago
- Excessive Kitten Huffing.
- Tieing your neck to a tree with a really long rope then getting in your car and just fucking drive.
- Putting two pencils in your nose and smash them on the desk in front of you, like the kid off the Frosties advert.
- Chewing electrical cords.
- Throwing the pin at the enemy...
- Annoying a rattlesnake or cobra.
- Eat yourself.
- Locking yourself in a commercial clothes dryer, the bigger the hotter.
- Fuck all the above and do it the French way. Shoot all your classmates and then yourself.
- The above person who wrote that should commit suicide for saying that. Preferably by shooting himself and then all his classmates.
- Starve yourself in a supermarket
- Find a grue...
- Play Counter Strike
- Buy a Macintosh
- Get an axe and chop on a tree until it about to fall then get under the tree as it falls.
- Watch Barney.
- Calling The Terminator's mum fat
- Going to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edaJP3Lp0Gg
- Trying to win the game. (DAMMIT!!!)
- Wasting your life on unclopedia when every good article you add gets huffed.
- Eating every pill in your medicine cabinet,washing them down with a quart of gin,followed by a nice nap in the bath tub.
- Watch an hour of FOX News, the most untrustable name in news.
- Fucking a cheese grater.
- Marrying a woman who is obsessed with Twilight.
- Self Immolation by entering a Catholic church
- Pulling your own brain out using a safety pin and a paper clip attached to eachother.
- Eating Phosphorus, it got the balrog famos...
- Fight Chuck Norris
- Say that cake (which is a lie) is better then brownies.
[edit] Neat facts about suicide
- If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
- Suicide is illegal in three out of twelve universes.
- Suicide is the leading cause of self-inflicted death in America.
- Three million people an hour commit suicide in America. (Well, wouldn't you?)
- Suicide was invented by Ziggy Stardust in an attempt to exorcise the demon David Bowie from his body.
- You should just kill yourself, it's fun.
- if you commit suicide you will never get to have sex with a live girl but you will have sex with some hot demon whores/zombie hookers
[edit] Memorable last words
“It's little stuffy in here, I think I'll go outside for some fresh air.”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?”
“The snake is harmless!”
“I drank what?”
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“How does this scarf look?”
“The odds of a man like George W. Bush getting elected to the office of President two times in a row is next to impossible. To prove it, I will play Russian Roulette with one bullet in the chamber and put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and survive.”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“I've always wanted to swim in the River Ouse!”
“What does this button do?”
“Hey Bush, it's abit too large for my mouth... you sure itll be okay?”
“Are you sure I will sparkle?”
“Suicide is painless”
[edit] See also
- Pesticide
- Death row
- HowTo:Commit Suicide
- HowTo:Turn Your Life Around
- Flight
- Self-inflicted Zombification
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