Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

The scene seconds before a case of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the mysterious death of a child under the age of one, who are colloquially called "infants". Sudden Infant Death Syndrome can occur at any time, and mostly strikes when one least expects it, such as during stressful times, or after an unusually long bout of crying. This phenomena usually happens to victims who are one to three months, when babies are at there whiniest and annoying. Although months of research and study of SIDS has been performed, the cause of the unusual ailment has yet to be found, and no known cure or preventive measure to stop the syndrome exists.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is one of the greater mysteries of the Infant care field: no one has observed SIDS happening in real time, only the gruesome aftermath. Millions of dollars of government grants have been spent trying find a solution for this unnerving problem, but so far, most tests have been inconclusive, with many of the test subjects unable to die mysteriously on cue.

edit Signs and Symptoms


"Oh dear! My darling young child...dead! What could have caused such a vile, awful thing! I feel like fainting!" - Common reaction to SIDS.

Obviously, the first sign of SIDS is a deceased infant. Sometimes, the dead body has red marks on its neck, strangely resembling sings of strangulation. Other bodies have strange purplish blots on the skin, which mysteriously look like bruise marks, and sometimes, the body mysteriously appears in an oven, or in a bathtub. Strangest of all, a few of the bodies have cracked ribs and/or broken spines, signifying brute force or intentional dropping, even though the bodies are almost always found peacefully "sleeping" on a crib, as though placed their by a loving caregiver. Infantologists have been baffled by this mysterious syndrome, as no disease or natural correlates to the symptoms of the unnatural deaths. Most of the time, the only signs of SIDS is the dramatic cries of their mournful mothers, screaming into the air and gracefully flailing their arms around in an almost seemingly rehearsed move.

edit Problems

Unfortunately, the syndrome happens too quickly for paramedics or doctors to treat effectively, and the very few times an infant is found still clinging on to life, such as a horrifying case in which an infant was found with 23 stab-like marks on its stomach, the effects of SIDS have progressed enough that saving the baby's life would be considered impossible or inconvenient. In many cases, the body is found in areas where paramedics or authorities would find it difficult to navigate or locate the body. Many times, SIDS victims are found in a dumpster, at the bottom of a large body of water, in a ditch by the side of an oft-forgotten road, or underneath the floorboards of an abandoned summer home.

edit Causes

Many pediatricians have speculated about the causes of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and the possibility of a cure for SIDS. Because of the lack of data, scientists have to use the art of deduction to think up of causes. For example, because of the large amount of mother's exclaiming "He was like that when I got here!", many scientists concur that a silent, unnoticeable agent may be a plausible cause of SIDS. Some cases of SIDS involve infants dying of gas which resembles symptoms of over exposure to Carbon Monoxide, often called the "secret killer", though one wonders how a large amount of deadly gas could have appeared without human intervention. Scientists have created a variety of other hypotheses on the causes of SIDS, some of them reasonable, and a few of them quite unusual.

edit Guesses

One theory involves mold spores infecting an infant's lungs, suffocating the baby from within. Another theory states that the infants were merely suicidal, though this theory isn't as accepted as others, as it completely discards decades of years of research on infant psychology. Supporters of the "Infant Self-Immolation" are critical of their critics, stating that relying on silly things like "research" is a detriment to society. Some doctors believe that excessive whining may have led to significantly increased blood pressure, which may have caused a collapse of the aorta; this hypothesis is supported by quite a few parents.

Personal tools