Subway

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Eatflesh
If you were searching for the restaurant, may you try some decent food to clog your heart?


“After we see the subway people, I'll take you to see the cat people!”
~ Brunhilda "Hildy" Esterhazy, On The Town on Subways
“I hate Subways.”
~ L4D Francis on Subways
“ Ill give you my foot long.”
~ Steven Beard
“Eat Shit!”
~ Subway
“Blimpie destroys Subway. DESTROYS IT!!!”
~ Jim Norton on Subway

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A subway is a means of public transportation and thematic fast food dining. It is composed of a narrow, twisty passage which leads past a counter to a cash register with soda, chips and fresh cookies. Large-capacity wheeled sandwiches, powered by the third and only rail, make their way through, carrying the passengers that can afford to avoid being mauled by subway moose. The areas are inhabited by artists, which play violins for spare change or tend to the wheeled sandwiches. It is said the restaurant started with food that was found on the subway's train tracks in New York.

According to recent questionnaires, which were probably faked, most passengers say that the only reason they travel on the subway is because of their motto/tagline/thingymajig "Subway, Eat Flesh". The tactic used to get passenger's interest's is usually confusion, though they have been known to bribe. These mischievous attempts at being a monopoly often results in SEHS.

The Subway franchise was also made into an obscure video game,(see List of the crappiest video games ever ) which has become a collector's item. It's current value on eBay is $-10, meaning that if you want to sell it to someone, you must not only give them the game, but also ten dollars.

Evolution of the Subway

Subway subway

A Subway-sponsored subway. Note how they were smart enough to put a poster in front of the driver.

In 1859, the godless hard-core evolutionist Charles Darwin, hungry for a six-inch turkey melt on wheat, borrowed Orson Welles's time machine to travel to London's remote future: 1860. Darwin was shocked to discover that all London was lain in ruins; underground was a vast network of tunnels where hideous light-shunning creatures preyed upon the sheep-like remnants of humanity and not only forced them to pay exorbitant prices for parking in their underground garages and traveling from point A to point B in slimy self-propelled aluminum tubes, but forced them to eat tasteless stew with no chips or soft drinks. When Darwin returned to his own time, he immediately tore up his unsubmitted manuscript of From Goo to You By Way of the Loo and dedicated his life to Jebus.

Meanwhile, Alexander Hamilton invented the subway by trying to run a railroad underground. The trouble was that railroads ran on steam, which required burning something to make, which produced smoke, which made people upchuck and die. Since there were zombies resulting from this, Hamilton headed off to the beach to build a Beach Subway, which used a vacuum cleaner to suck trains from point A to point B. Because he couldn't find a big enough vacuum cleaner (and because some idiot whose name was actually Beach sued him for patent infringement), Hamilton headed back to London and ran steam in the tunnels anyway, putting holes all over the place so people could actually breathe. New York saw the problem with this (people kept falling into the holes), so it put a railroad on stilts (which people promptly started bumping into). Someone found a way to use electricity to propel trains (although the discoverer's initial idea involved punishing someone for pulling someone else's hair, not moving trains). This meant no more smoke, so no problem with running hallways all over the underground realms and running trains through the hallways. New York promptly started an Underground Conversion Project, the point of which was to replace a perfectly sound overhead railroad system with a perfectly expensive underground railroad system. London, meanwhile, dug numerous little "Tubes", Paris countered with several green walled vaults, and soon European cities were building subways. Moscow decided it was time to move the Tsar's palace underground, but, having abolished the Tsar, they figured that the people would find better use of it, and so it became a subway. And then there was Tokyo, who thought building something where nobody can find their way anywhere would effectively bring people to town.

And so on and so forth. Mexico City now has a subway powered by bean farts, Rome has one powered by the ghost of Julius Caesar, New York has one catered to by bums, and a lot of cities in the middle of nowhere apparently want one, too.

Common diseases associated with Subway

The most prevalent of subway related illnesses is Subway Shock. Subway shock is a chronic illness that is directly caused by the inexperienced sandwich bar customer being bombarded with large numbers of questions regarding the types of bread, salads, manufactured meats, cheeses and bodily fluids they wish to have with their order, when they were merely hoping to have a braindead consumer experience where they are told exactly what they want, and only need to decide how much. In extreme cases, this leads to heart failure, which is in no way related to he healthy processed foods and postmix soft drinks that are sold at these venues.

Users of the Subway

The original target market for this underground railroad was one composed entirely of runaway slaves, the theory being that they would flock to this new form of transport if the only alternative were to continue living a life of savage beatings and torture on southern cotton plantations.

Unfortunately, not even runaway slaves are desperate enough to make a trip like this more than once, so marketing efforts were targeted at a new and growing demographic: wage slaves from the rat race. As subway entrepreneur Jared S. Fogle wrote to shareholders, "Tell them that they'll catch more rats if they ride this train and they'll be queued up from the turnstiles right out the door."

Species Native to the Subway

The subways of many major metropolitan hellholes boast an extraordinarily rich assortment of positively weird lifeforms which are seen in no other natural habitat in this galaxy:
Jared

The Jared Fogle: BEWARE.

  • The Jared Fogle (BEWARE)
  • The Oyster card (for London)
  • The Octopus card (for Hong Kong)
  • That one guy who smells really bad but doesn't seem to notice
  • The subway rat
  • The subway mouse
  • The infamous gang of Subway Pelicans ("They have ruined my life!"-Oscar Wilde)
  • The subway moose
  • The subway electric sewer pigeon
  • The hideous token-selling troll
  • The even more hideous token-eating troll
  • The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaauuurrrggggghhhhhhh
  • The subway musician with an Uzbekistani banjo and a very large coin-sorting hat
  • The grue
  • The exceedingly overweight struggling not to order 5 different styles of meat, extra cheese, hold the bread, and instead select a footlong with ever salad item so by the time you get to the head of the line you are being offered some sort of wrap, with no cheese.
  • The strangely-dressed human who carries on an extremely loud argument with himself
  • The undead zombie who doesn't have enough change for the exit toll and is thus condemned to riding the subway cars for all eternity
  • The most monstrous creature of all: Barrack Obama

The New York City Subway

The New York City Subway has existed for many centuries as an alternative to above-ground New York life. Underground, there exists a series of elaborate and intricately interwoven tunnels which were dug by the Kindly Mole People of Atlantis in eternal thanks for New York's many contributions to their enlightened civilization. The tunnels were originally employed as a dumping ground for the rising criminal population of the constantly growing city. But, as is often the case with places used for this purpose (Australia a case in point), the above-ground New Yorkers saw the attractiveness of such a place within easy reach of their existing city and it was quickly colonized with criminal and non-criminal alike. The prison service saw no reason to find an alternative home for the many criminals already in the Subway since, now that there was a constant supply of law-abiding citizens, they showed no inclination to leave. New Yorkers choosing to visit or live in the Subway accepted the risks and all was happy and joyous. This is also a good place for gangstas to jump people, pull them into dark corners, and take their money. I mean......nicely ask for spare change.

Pelicans on Strike '05

Sometime in December of 2005, the Transport Workers Union called a strike, bringing the subway to a halt, along with about 982.7777777424% of all the city's bus routes. The aftermath was devastating as thousands perished and hundreds more injured. TWU leader Roger Toussaint after the incident became number one on both Steve Ballmer's and George Bush's hitlist. Toussaint was sentenced in April 2005 to 10 days in a jail, which was more like a budget version of the Waldorf-Astoria somewhere in Lower Manhattan near Foley Square. Released after spending three days in jail on good behavior. At his press conference, he revealed that the prison served shrimp cocktail, and those "little weenies on a stick".

Miami Subway Gunman Incident

In mid July of 2008 a man that was dressed pathetically as a knight entered a Miami Subway. What Employees witnessed next was an AK-47 being puled out with shots blazing through the air. The Employees ducked behind the counter as the deranged man screamed out, "FOR THE KIIIIIING!!!, while shooting at a cardboard cut out of Jared Fogle. As the Employees continued being scared shitless an off duty police officer,while enjoying his five dollar footlong, took instant action by taking out the gunman with three shots. Reason of what sparked the gunman's actions was that the gunman ate at Burger King almost everyday. The high amounts of iron in the chicken tenders consumed caused a rare case of brain trauma due to the man's employment as a metal worker. This also combined with his dislike of Subway as well with Subway being Burger King's rival. Burger King was greatful for having devoted yet insane clients, but claims no responsability in the gunman's actions. One employee claimed he was shot, but lied just to be on television in the hopes of getting back together with his ex girlfriend.

A 'Streamlined' Edition Of 2006 New York City Subway Fiasco Awards

NEW YORK CITY presented its honorary “Fiasco” awards on Monday, February 3, 2006 a trimmed-down version of the unusual affair. The evening's traditional dawdling about the homeless was kept to a minimum, as were jokes, idle remarks and lengthy promises. The awards were presented by a revolving group of trained subway rats, who were efficiently recycled so that each could reappear a couple of times. Even the baby elephant, on hand to show off the costume design for A Passage to New Jersey, managed to step lively. And it all went to show that people - talkative, time-wasting, inefficient people - were never the Fiasco show's problem in the first place. If anything, they gave it the personality that this year's program lacked. The 2006 Subway Fiascos - introduced as both the 52th and 23th Fiasco awards ceremony (it was the 99th) by a confused Roger Toussaint at the beginning of the show - were more than half an hour shorter than last year's counterpart, but the new version did not seem appreciably speedier. If anything, it seemed humorless and congested, with a first hour that was as tedious as watching the rats racing on the tracks. Mayor Blumberg made a graceful debut as Fiasco host, dispensing with the opening comic monologue to introduce such former mayors of the city as Giuliani, Dinkins, and Koch . This group, about four in all, began by appearing on stage to take a bow, thus eliminating the usual suspense over what might appear next, and in what outfit. Another of the show's drama-diminishing touches was to substitute Powerpoint performance presentations from some of the worst subway lines, instead of the lengthier, sustained scenes of people in despair and anguish while waiting on the platforms for a train, that are bound to be more engrossing. However, for reasons only the program's producers) might understand, sustained scenes from the worst service advisories were shown. They were shown without subtitles. It sometimes seemed that the mayors were intent on sabotaging the show's natural advantages. This year, for instance, the New York City Metropolitan Transportation Authority found itself in the unique position of having five first-rate service jingles nominated, as opposed to the usual grinding nomination for the jingle for “If You See Something, Sing Something.” It was apparently thought necessary to compensate for this by making the Transit-Workers Cabaret production numbers as wrong-headed as possible. So Ray Parker Jr. sang FareBusters surrounded by Rats-style dancers and by special effects that made the movie's green ghosts look like corporate bankers and attorneys. And Making All Stops was given a tone-deaf, lip-synched rendition by Barbara Streisand (who did a much better job of dancing to the song) while the writer and far better original singer, Phil Collins, sat dead in the audience. Mr. Collins, who at least got a summons, qualified as one of the evening's surprise train ride contest winners, despite his demise, along with Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, both of whom presented awards with rats surrounding them at the podium. As for the show's most effusive speaker, that was Sally Field, exuberantly telling the crowd You must like the subway. Miss Fields was also one of the most visually emotional testifiers, foretelling her recent commute into Manhattan for groceries, along with Prince, who won Best Original subway station complaint and seemed genuinely surprised by his own misfortune. Appearing in a purple, hooded mini- skirt, Prince edged out Faye Dunaway (clinging to a subway car strap), Candice Bergen (futuristic goddess) and Amy Irving (buffoon goddess) for the evening's most subway traffic-stopping outfit. Hollywood's old subway car award, as represented by President George W. Bush, stood out this year in particularly strong contrast to the new. A selection of chimps showcasing Mr. Bush’s long and varied career was easily the high point of the evening.


Other famous subways

XmasCamden

Camden, New Jersey's subway on Christmas Eve

  • BART (San Andreas Fault Bay Area Rapid Transit)
  • MTA (Metropolitan Transit Authority)
  • Tokyo train (sarin obnoxious clouds)
  • SEPTA (Southeast Pennsylvania Transit Authority)
  • DART (Phallus-Wart Dearth metroplex)
  • MARTA (Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority)
  • CARTMAN (South Park, Colorado)
  • FART (Mexico City, Mexico) (also Findlay, Ohio)
  • LRT (Manila, Philippines)
  • FARGOW (Fargo Area Rapid Gnomes On Wheels)
  • MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority)
  • TTC (Toronto Transit Commission)
  • Central (the only station of the New Aelfwood Underground Network)
  • GSSPM (Gigantic Subway System of Planet Mars)
  • Moskau Metro-ho-ho-ho-ho-HEY!
  • LACMTA (Featured in Speed)
  • DPP-ED (Disgusting Pissers of Prague - Embraced by Drugs), also known as Metro (Militant Embraced Tripped Robbers Organisation)
  • DUH-S (Delaware University Hospital Subway)
  • SMRT (I am so smart! S-M-R-T!) Singapore
  • MTR (Hong Kong)
  • SLUT (South Lake Union Trolley) - Also known as South Lake Union Streetcar (SLUS).
  • PATH (Port Authority Transit Hub)
  • Skytrain (Only one not in capslox. Possibly because it's in Vancouver and is therefor doomede fore alle eternitey)
  • PKMN the only subway in the Pokemon world.

See Also

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