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Stupid cats, Felinus Lentementus, (not to be confused with other animals that are also stupid) are cats that are different from normal cats because they have a strong disliking of free market economics. They also distinguish themselves from other cats by their sheer monumental stupidity.
Stupid Cat metaphysics
Stupid kittens are almost always still-born. Those who can stand up and flee from broom wielding humans may live a few more months. The lucky ones die before puberty. Those who make it to high school begin learn about the evil private market and the beautiful state controlled market. It seems impossible that stupid cats can understand the complexities of both theories as they are incredibly stupid. Some theorise that their communist sympathies is encoded in their DNA. However no one has ever discovered any DNA in their bodies. Stupid cats all qualify for government subsidies for the disabled, mentally disabled and are frequently sponsored by the make a wish foundation.
The preferred afterlife for a stupid cat would be a mixture of day dreams situated in North Korea and running and chasing after Trotsky all around the world. Stupid cats unfortunately never get to realise this prefered afterlife. Stupid cats do not go do heaven when they die. All stupid cats once dead, are immediately reincarnated as another stupid cat. Most stupid cat souls spend the majority of its existence in the wombs of mother cats and usually live for a minute or two once born and are then reincarnated instantly as a new stupid cat in a new mothers womb. In a scary sense, this means that stupid cats usually spend most of their time in a warm, loving and caring uteris before its quick, painful and terminal birth process. This might lend some understanding as to why stupid cats prefer controlled phenomena over the luck of the market. Stupid cats simply never seem to have any luck at all.
The hard facts
If you can say only one thing about stupid cats, its that getting worse on a daily basis is their only aspiration. Their second aspiration is to serve in the politburo of any current democratic peoples republic and own a dacha or a bullet proof train. Stupid cats do not have claws and often stick dandelions between their toes to emulate them. The dandelion usually wilts and then infects their paws. Stupid cats who are dictators don't search out their own dandelions but have them inserted by the people of the republic.
Stupid cats in tandem
While stupid cats are rather stupid, as a collective they are quite very much stupid, though deep inside that mass stupidity lies a sort of mass cleverness. When stupid cats mingle (which should be stopped at all costs) they naturally collectivise themselves. Theirs is a well planned out stupid cat society with fixed factory quotas and minimal labour including job security and a public health system and benefits for life. Their creed is "the less competition, the more stuff there is" or some uninteligible variation of that. It's all very curious and slightly funny but most of all confusing for anyone who tries to follow it all. Don't forget, after all, they are really really really stupid.
How can someone not realise they have a stupid cat?
If you live your life on welfare cheques or money from your rich parents, you are 12 times more likely to own a stupid cat. If you are a quadriplegic who lives off of government subsidies and benefits, it is guaranteed you have a stupid cat, giving us two reasons to feel sorry for you. If you are a self made man who ploughed himself from rags to riches and now entertain friends and girls on Mediterranean yachts, you won't find a stupid cat anywhere near you, though there could always be some non-stupid cats in the vicinity. George Soros was famous for owning hundreds of cats. None of them were stupid. Fidel Castro is famous for having owned several kittens. They were all severely stupid and lived an average of twenty seconds each.
The stupid cat brain is made of millions and billions of neurons and synapses. Not a single neuron is connected to another and no synapses are connected to any neurons. These cats have no brain activity as we know it. How is it that stupid cats can perform any body function is a question no one bothers to answer. Yet somehow, they seem animated, do things that seem like complex processes such as flexing muscles to move their legs or breathe in oxygen to keep living for one more minute or plan ways to denounce their teachers and parents to the state for a quick chance to climb the party ladder.
Comparison to inanimate life
Stupid cats aren't the most stupid creatures in the world. Stupid cats are not quite as stupid as house plants or starfish. Stupid cats love star fish and usually think that they are their brothers or sisters. Stupid cats often drown themselves while trying to reunite with their long lost family (of star fish).
In Vietnam there is a famous saying "The more dumb is you cat the better it taste". Stupid cats are a divine delicacy coveted by Asians. Even autistic cats don't taste quite as good as stupid cats. Its no coincidence that the majority of stupid cats live in North Korea. How could they resist living in the head quarters of post-communist communism. North Korea is like stupid cat heaven on Earth. North Korea is where stupid cats can live out their socialist dreams and avoid all forms of capital and liquidity.
The clash of civilizations
Western cooks who prepare stupid cat (mainly in French bistrots and Italian tratorias) are shocked to discover how Koreans consume stupid cats. Koreans in popular restaurants are presented with a stupid cat tied down onto a chopping board and is the chopped in half by the waiter using a butcher knife. The clients then grab as many parts as they can before the cats heart stops beating, and consume it while its still warm and hopefully animate.
Some western cooks have been so disgusted by the Asian manner of consumption that they have sworn off all Asian food. "Stupid cats are still creatures with some sense of feeling or at least pain receptors, at least we assume so...I don't know. In any case...the humane way (and most delicious way) is to throw the cat into a boiling pot of water.
Stupid cat or stupid owner?
"Hey Carl, look at that cat, its so helpless and alone, and blind and hey, is it meowing...or possibly chewing on empty space? The moral of this sentence: Stupid cats live with stupid people. Oh Carl, lets bring it home!"
Stupid cats hang out with stupid people though not always. That cat in your mentally retarded brother's Back Street Boys back pack might be a stupid cat but then it might just be intelligent and very unlucky.
Stupid cats often seek out hippie-like people or bohemians who are most likely to avoid capitalistic society or open markets. Even in Hong Kong, the most open economy of the world, is not free of drum circles and vegan lunches. Take a look at any picture of their protests or demonstrations and you'll find a stupid cat in the background.
Confusion with abused cats
Stupid cats may be confused with cats who have been bashed over the head by drunken owners. These mentally destroyed cats spend the rest of their lives trying to cope with a damaged brain. Stupid cats on the other hand act through sheer randomness and self-destruction.
The stupid cat originates from the womb of its mother who is never a stupid cat herself. The stupid kitten is immediately abandoned (if not having been eaten by its mother for its delicious and tender meat). Simply lifting their twisted and deformed body up on its near broken legs takes a few days. How a stupid kitten can grow into a cat without help from anyone is one of the worlds mysterious seven mystical mysteries.
Simple technique to test your cat
To begin: Unravel a ball of yarn in front of your cat.
If the cat plays with the yarn but then tires quickly of the banality of string and then logs onto the internet and begins to diversify your day trading portfolio spreading your risk leverage, then you have a cat that is simply a cat.
But if the cat stares at the wall, fails to sense any change in time and space and then falls down collapsing into a puddle of its own urine while reciting party dogma, then you have a cat which is a stupid cat.
Every time a stupid cat defecates it believes it has given birth to a kitten, and will usually nurture the excrement. Its also a great way to find out if you have a stupid cat, though not a very pleasant one. Once it is discovered that you have a stupid cat you should asphyxiate it and cook it or sell it on the Chicago commodities market to maximise your gains.
Sharpen your knives and pick some spices from your garden. Also buy some lemons as its best to marinade them in an acid solution for a week or so. Make sure it is a stupid cat. If it is a stupid cat and prepared well, it tastes like chicken and gives you good regularity for a few days. If the cat you cooked screamed throughout the preparation in blazing terror, tasted like goat, and made you violently ill, the cat was not stupid and you cruelly tortured your pet. You won't sleep for a few days.
Ultimately eating stupid cats is the best plan of action if you come across a stupid cat or realise you own one. In the end you will be doing the stupid cat a favour as their lives serve only one purpose, which is to sabotage everything until it sabotages itself. It also tastes really good along with a strong sherry and melba toast.
The future of Stupid Cats
Stupid cats will continue to seek out totalitarian communities and wasteful countries to satisfy their need for government control and weekly food rationing. Sending three atom-bombs to North Korea, Cuba and Burma would result in the near total extinction of stupid cats (and perhaps a modest collateral damage of one hundred million people). Not doing so will lead to the deaths of far more people as stupid cats will some how make that happen, without even trying, as stupid cats are too stupid to ever do anything on purpose.
- ↑ The terror of bad stupid cat stew cannot be under-exaggerated. Past tragedies include people vomiting uncontrollably, losing the ability to walk, and urinating painful discharges for the remainder of ones life. As there is a very small but potential deadly danger if things go wrong, it is recommended one doesn't eat anything for 24-hours before eating a stupid cat.