Stuff Magazine

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Stuff Magazine is an English language magazine published monthly in the USA and distributed worldwide. It describes itself as 'The Magazine for Lovers of Sundries', and features articles devoted to things, stuff and what have you.

The magazine was founded in 2006 as a reaction against the increasing overspecialisation of popular magazines. Stuff magazine prides itself on the fact that its articles cover virtually anything. For example, the very first issue contained articles on wheelchairs, bookmarks through the ages, how an understanding of whales and dolphins can improve your dating style, care and maintaince of a 1962 Pontiac Tempest, buying a crib based on your baby's star sign, and an in depth comparison of the top 563 brands of grout.

As yet, the magazine is selling well bellow projections. Market analysts say this is because the magazine has yet to find its market, but editor Ficus Whittleby disputes this, claiming that since the proposed market is "everybody" this cannot be true. Whittleby has confirmed that the theme of the March 2007 issue will be "500 Reasons you tools aren't buying this magazine".

In the interest of expanding its sales base, Stuff Magazine has released several of its articles into the public domain as part of a viral marketing strategy[1]. Since we at Uncyclopedia have never shied away from publishing free filler helping those in need, we reprint these articles here.

edit What Brick are You?

1. When you go to the movies, what sort of film do you prefer?

A. A comedy - I like a laugh!
B. A romantic comedy - I like a laugh, and I am a woman, or gay.
C. A stoner comedy - Dave's not here, man, lol!
D. A porno - I have difficulty achieving sexual arousal.

2. What type of car do you drive?

A. A blue 1986 Lada Samara - Soviet engineering at its peak!
B. An orange 1971 Holden Kingswood HQ - Leave your money on the fridge!
C. A battered Peugeot 403 convertable - I am Lt. Columbo.
D. A bright red Porsche 959 - I have difficulty achieving sexual arousal.

3. You awaken in an alleyway, covered in blood. You think:

A. My Master will be pleased - I am involved in ritual Satanic killings.
B. The Red Cross will be pleased - I am a freelance agent of the blood bank.
C. It's all right, Ma - I am Bob Dylan.
D. That's one less filthy whore in this world! - I have difficulty achieving sexual arousal.

4. Where would you like to go for a summer vacation?

A. Shropshire - I like a little fun!
B. Dusseldorf - I like to kick back and take it easy.
C. Arkansas - What's a summer vacation without a summer romance?
D. The red light districts of Bangkok or Manila - I have difficulty achieving sexual arousal.
Stuff1If you answered mostly 'A's - You are a mudbrick! Your friends might consider you a little eccentric, or "out there", or a "damn useless hippie", or something even worse! But you just keep doing your thang, Mudbrick! The other option is getting a job, and we all know that ain't gonna happen!
Stuff2If you answered mostly 'B's - You are a paving brick! Some days, it seems like the whole world just walks over you, but you can take it. For now, at least. One day, you're going to crack, and on that day, you're going to show them all! Then they'll be sorry! They'll all be very, very sorry!
Stuff3If you answered mostly 'C's - You are a cinderblock! You are tough, and can take anything the world throw at you. Except raisins; you are deathly allergic to raisins, and may well die if you eat any or even look at them for too long.
Stuff4If you answered mostly 'D's - You are a lego brick! Like many Danish products, you are not welcome throughout much of the Middle East. You are fun, colourful, and are responsible for many deaths by choking.

If you did not answer one letter more often than any of the others then fuck you! I mean seriously, fuck you!

edit Your Nasal Septum and You!

In these days, we are seeing more and more people taking keener and keener interest in their and there health. We are eating better, exercising more and shooting up less. And yet what about the septum? Medical "experts" all agree that upwards of 0.0003% or life threatening illnesses begin with that little wall of cartlidge, skin and snot that we call the nasal septum, and yet it is the one part of the body that we do not concern ourselves with during our daily rituals for warding off death.

So, what to do? The American Association for Nasal Health[2] recommends the following daily septum care regimen. It is simple and "inexpensive", and takes up no more than forty minutes of your busy day.

  • 1. Vigourously clean your septum - 9 out of 10 "qualified" doctors recommend daily clensing of the septum with a mixture of salt ash, turpentine and beeswax, applied with a pipecleaner in a "zigzag" motion. If blood begins issuing from the nose, that is just an indication what you should be scrubbing harder!
  • 2. Exercise. While the septum itself contains no muscles, vigourously flaring and unflaring your nostrils for thirty minutes or so "should" have the effect of improving cartlidge tone within the septum, and generally improve nasal health.
  • 3. Eat a diet rich in septum friendly foods - suitible foodstuffs include poi, braised carp, carob, salted licquorice and creamed corn.

Remember - take care of your septum, and it will take care of you![3]

edit Magazines

Interested in magazines, but don't know where to start? Why not start here! The object you are holding in your flabby, sweaty hands is a magazine! Wow, huh? A magazine is a collection of pages, held together by some sort of binding (typically staples), all held between paper "covers". The pages contain articles, just like the one you're reading now! Well, not "just" like it, I guess, but similar in many respects.

There are many different sorts of magazine, from pornographic magazines (which contain pictres of young women in various states of undress) to women's magazines (which contain pictres of young women in various states of undress). There are also science magazines (which make my head hurt) and rolled up magazines brandished by my wife (which also make my head hurt). On second thought, there are not all that many different kinds of magazines.

I hope this article has helped you on the path to being a magazine collector, like myself. I do not like to brag, but I personally own over four magazines, and if all goes well, I will soon own over five. Happy magazining!

edit Hot Summer Fashions for Plumbers

I think it was Warren Shakespeare who once said "Hot time, summer in the city and the time is right for dancing in the streets with sweet little sixteen candle on now's the time, the time is right."[4] Certainly, things haven't changed much since Shakespeare's day[5], because we still all need our summer fashions - especially plumbers!

Stuff6The Cleavegiser

With its muted earth tones and elegant lines, this intriguing little ensemble emphasises the lines of the buttocks, one line in particular.

Stuff7The Bo Peep

The nifty colour scheme really brings out the pink of the ass, while the existence of a belt just screams "there is no reason why my pants should be slipping down".

Stuff8The Wideline

This "cheeky" little number seems to say "I have a posterior consisting of two cheeks and a crack". The white singlet has "summer" written all over it, while the pants say "kmart".

Stuff9The Classic

With it's elegent Grecian lines and satiny marble finish, the classic has class written all over it - and that's class with a capital ASS. At an estimated black market cost of five hundred million dollars, it falls neatly within the price range of most plumbers.

^ For more information on viral marketing, check out "Viral Marketing vs. Bakelite - the Debate Continues" in Stuff Magazine #3, July 2006.

^  Disclaimer - Organisation may not exist.

^ It's best not to try to imagine in what way a septum can take care of you.

^  Richard III, Act V, Scene iii

^  Except for the invention of the sandwich press.

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