Stuart Scott

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“A cracker dressed up like a Negro? That's whack!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stuart Scott

“What the hell is up with that eye? What is this, PhotoShop 5.0? Where's my damned healing brush!? Can a brotha get an upgrade?”
~ God on making mistakes
Stuart Scott

Hater in the house!

Stuart Scott is a white counter-culture comedian most known for masquerading about as an African-American sports news anchor on the popular television network, ESPN. Despite his white Anglo-Saxon Protestant upbringing, he has won numerous awards for his ability to completely immerse himself in black culture and perpetuate all of its most adorable stereotypes with a witty edginess that the streetfolk have grown to love.

Born Stuart Melvin Scott to a Massachusetts computer salesman and a Tennessee schoolteacher, Scott found his comedic roots while observing the day-to-day interactions between his father and the rugged street toughs that periodically pilfered his computer retail shop. It was here that he learned such Afro-American vernacular as, "Holla atcha boy when you see him in tha street!" and, "Hay-ta in tha house!" A few trips to Tanfastic and one hair transplant later, Scott managed to alienate himself from BOTH ethnicities.

He was allegedly born already five years-old.

Early Work

Scott tried, as all in his profession typically do, to get his big break on Showtime at the Apollo. After several attempts, he finally got his opportunity as the third act following a juggling midget and a tottering homeless man who specialized in flatulence and jokes about flatulence. However, much to his dismay, Scott's unique brand of off-the-cuff impersonations and physical comedy wasn't well-received by the black-majority audience. Said Scott, "They booed me. They shouted Negro words I hadn't even learned yet--I mean, what is a chicken-head, ya know?? They swept me off the stage. I wanted to give up, but yo, homey don't play that. Fortunately, there was some old money white dude in the audience that knew a guy who knew a guy and bla-dow! I ended up on ESPN."

Trying to fill the shoes of such sports analysis greats as Keith Olbermann and Kenny Mayne wasn't easy. But, with a new suit and a working knowledge of all the most accurate known stereotypes of the Afro-American community, Scott quickly began reaching out to his faux-Negro heritage and strengthening ESPN's presence in the Oreo cookie (black on the outside, white on the inside) demographic previously dominated by Fox Sports.

Boo Ya to the Top

Scott's special brand of Nigga-Please-esque colloquialisms and hip-hop slang warmed the hearts of the most stonehearted segregationists that Bristol, CT had to offer. Millions around the globe promptly followed and began to idolize Scott for his ability to capture the abrasive, rugged nature of inner-city street life and water it down to make it palatable for white middle-class sports enthusiasts. To them, his delivery served as a bridge between the n'er-do-well gangsta lifestyle of the typical professional athlete and the relaxed, naive way in which civilized people conduct themselves.

Scott has received numerous Calcutta Customer Service Name Pronunciation awards for his creative pronunciation of white NHL hockey player surnames, notable ones being Rick Tocchet(correctly pronounced TOCK-it)pronounced as tock-SHAY and Al Iafrate(correctly pronounced EYE-a-fray-tee)pronounced as EE-a-fray-tee.

"Without the oratory genius of Stuart Scott, I would never be able to holla at my boys Ray Lewis and Ron Artest. Golly, they would probably kill me if I tried something like that directly!" --Sen. Ted Stevens

"Until that light-skinned Negro fellow came along, I had no idea what Boo-Yah meant. Now, I can say with full confidence that it obviously means that a touchdown has just occurred. Or a slam dunk. Or a home run. Bah, I can't keep them straight; he just says it SO FREAKING MUCH!" --Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The Eye

On November 16th, 2002, Stuart Scott paid a visit to his homies on the Indianapolis Colts to cover their improvements under white southern baptist quarterback, Peyton Manning. The morning began as any other, with Scott bipping and bopping with the team Negroes and their routine pre-practice warmup CD compilation that included hits from the Black-eyed Peas, Nappy Roots and the occasional Avril Lavigne. Scott would holla at a boy. Said boy would holla back. When asked, "Who's ready to get real ill, dawg?" by Scott, tight-end and resident fat ass Marcus Pollard responded, "Actually, Marvin Harrison is out 1-2 weeks with a bout of appendicitis. So I guess he's pretty ill." The two had a good laugh and scrambled onto the practice field for receiver drills.

That's when things took a grave turn for the worse.

While ESPN was taping a lead-in to Chris Mortensen's obligatory story on Terrell Owens, Peyton Manning launched a deep out toward Scott, who Manning later described as, "acting so black, I thought he was Reggie Wayne." Manning would later add, "I guess I should have known better by the way he was talking. I mean, not even Trick Daddy uses THAT much slang." Sadly, the result was inevitable. The ball spiralled majestically toward Scott, who had not yet studied the popular Afro-American stereotype that everyone of that ethnicity was athletic and/or could catch. The projectile buried itself squarely into Scott's eye socket, causing the eye to sink three inches into his cheek, taking the eyebrow and forehead with it. The incident left Scott hideously deformed and now forces him to wear Salvatore Ferragamo frames with featherweight lenses, thus baring his true ruling class soul for all to see.

Current Work

Stuart Scott is now indistinguishable from Scott Van Pelt (of University of Maryland fame) on the ESPN network. He does however revisit his time as a quirky African American comedian by making guest appearances on hip-hop albums by Fabolous, Nelly and Ludicris, because due to a clause in their contracts, hip-hop stars can no longer release a hit single without it "featuring" someone else.

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