String Theory
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[edit] String theory
String theory is the theory of the chaos of strings. It states that whenever you put a set of perfectly arranged strings in any container, they will come out completely tangled, no matter what the arragement or the container. This relates to everything, excluding yarn, such as: iPod headphones, Christmas Tree Lights, garden hoses, electric cords, string panties, the area behind your computer desk, and your Blu-Ray player.
[edit] Rope Science
String theory is also related to rope science that covers the practice of tying exceedingly complicated knots in them for research purposes.
The most complicated knots have been tied by such notables as Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve. These knots have been known to appear in different places at the same time (sometimes breaking the laws of physics and appearing at the same place and time), which only serves to complicate the knots further. Their efficacy in either covering or revealing posterior particles is the subject of incredibly close study in university laboratories.
[edit] Famous Knots
The most complicated knot that has been tied to date is the famous 'Tibetan master' knot, which is tied in the hair of a monk living off yeti flesh in the Great Mountains of Durka-durka-stan.
Another famous knot is the Gordian knot, which was misspelled by a clerk with a bad kidney in the 1400's and was joyously renamed the Accordion knot by President Maelin Seed's daughter, supermodel Appel Microsoft Seed. A specific theory about this knot was developed by Alexander the Great, a famous Shaolin monk who reached the Tao and therefore gained supernatural powers that allowed him to control a vast empire, but he did not build enough coliseums and theatres. Mao Tse Tung built the William Shakespeare's Theatre wonder before him, and therefore his empire suffered many rebellions.
[edit] Proof
After initation of the Large Hadron Collider, a bizzare item instantaneously appeared and disappeared. This whilst baffling and a contradiction to standard physics, A Swedish Physicist defined this anomalous form of matter as "Dark Panties" or the "Anti Panty", which coincidentally is the nickname of a Norweigian Pimp who lives in South Africa.
[edit] Initiation
String Theory is a very, very vast and complex subject, and only monks who spend their whole life on it can reach the mysteries of knots, which lies beyond the Tao, or that guy's apartment building, whichever one you're willing to find first.
There are seven initiation steps :
- The Shoelace Knot step, being the first one, is the easiest, but yet requires amazing concentration, and monks have to spend years studying the Force to properly master the stunning Bunny-ears maneuver. Masters of the Shoelace Knot are believed to be the most dangerous men in the world.
- The second step, the boating knots step, is far more difficult than the first one, and young apprentices (known as padawans) have to spend several years sailing until they can walk on water, to master this complex and subtle subject.
- The third step lies in the deep, black and silent pools of the cavernous Quantum Physics : monks have to spend up to three years in a special room, called the University, to reach a level of interior peace high enough to perceive the mysteries of the Tao. Most are driven completely insane, and attend college parties and drink endless amounts of beer for the rest of their lives.
- The other steps are mind elevation steps through the contemplation of the Tao and mastering of the Force.
One these steps finished, the Knots Masters can master their body and their mind, and gain supernatural powers, like ubiquity, through a space-time continuum rupture or levitation through a shifting of their Karma in the 27th dimension and a displacement of their Ka in the 13th along the lines of force of the Spiritual Whole God, or cast powerful spells, like Cowation, or even reach the Nirvana and bring back powerful artifacts, like a Blade +3 of Roses, or even a monk-only Carshemir + 5 which can invoke magical Guinea Pigs.
In fact, the ultimate goal of the String Theory is to deviate photons using the dimensions 4 to 37.17 (the space-time having a fractal shape, this is not a problem). Once this trouser deviation is perfected, one of the monks studying the field hopes to unknot a pantie or two.
Masterful use of string theory can lead to the mastery of all variety of master uses!
[edit] A Quick Cheeseology
Created by bored physicists at some university somewhere, String Theory sought to resolve some of the unresolvable issues of Einsteinian Physics in accordance to Quantum Physics. The theory postulates that the sum of all matter in the universe is made up of really, really, really, really small Cheese Strings and governed by the laws of Quantum cheddardynamics. These Cheese Strings were created in an extremely large explosion called the String Cheese Incident. String Theory is not, I repeat: String Theory is not to be confused with String theory, the other, other white meat.
Current data show signs that the type of matter particles that the Cheese Strings create are dependent on their type of cheese. For example, Bosons are made of Soft cheeses, whereas fermions consist of more solid cheeses such as parmesan. Up quarks are Cheddar, down quarks are wensleydale, Muons are made of Swiss, Bozos are made of Le Roule, Gravitons, which may or may not exist, are tiny vibrating loops of ricotta, Gluons are made of mascarpone, which is why they are sticky, Electrons are made of stilton, Photons are made of Cream cheese, Morons are made of Dubliner, Neutrinos are made of Chunky Cheese, and Taus are made of Darth Feta. These Cheese Strings are collectively known as the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, however not all have been observed in a scientific fashion (ie, whilst drinking port).
The unaccounted for dark matter of the universe consists of anticheese. For every fundemental cheese there is an anticheese equivalent. Usually, it is a processed form of cheese. For example, the anti-bosons are made of Kraft Slices. When anti-cheese comes into contact with cheese a large quantity of Wind energy is released, hence the name "letting wind". It is thought that our universe was created from a Big Bang caused by the collision of astronomical quantities of Cheddar and Philadelphia.
[edit] How long is a piece of string?
The greatest theory of all, often quoted by idiots who have no idea about what they're doing or what they are about to do and in extreme cases, what they have done. A piece of string is 18.29 metres long (or wide, depending on how you look at it (or deep, depending on how you look at it)), but only when you concentrate really hard when measuring it; lack of concentration can make the "length" appear to be 18.2899999 metres This has only ever happened once hence why people are always asking the great question.
Perhaps the most striking point about the above theory is that the string always appears to be 18.29 metres long, even if you are also 18.29 metres long, and moving at the exact same velocity as the string. This perplexing fact drove many scientists quite mad, including Barbra Streisand, Ellen Degenerate, and Fred Flintstone.
A string is always(almost) twice as long as a half piece of string. Except if the string is made of cheese, then results may differ.
[edit] Other String Theories
Many other theories involving strings have been archived in the Anals of Space-time, not to be confused with the Small Intestines of Space-time.
In 108 A.D., the King Kong administration became intensely interested in the development of mind control devices in an attempt to unseat the Barbi party from creating a block in the Senate. It was believed that, if super intelligent strings could be processed in a cost efficient way, a Big Purple Cylinder could be used to broadcast messages to the strings after being inserted into the ear by a podiatrist or the Mafia. Unfortunately, the Big Purple Cylinder drank the nations entire supply of Jagermeister, collected by telepathy, and choked on its own vomit. With the project rendered officially hopeless, the rest of the budget was spent on beer and hookers
Another String Theory postulates on the existence of quantum singularities in the human body. Hypothesis revolve around morbidly obese women who can't locate the cord to absorbent plugs inserted into the female body cavity. Scientists point to a possible loss of the cord via singularities, whose lot in life is to make shit disappear for the rest of eternity. The emergence of these singularities is usually accompanied by the sound of whining as heard from a privy, frustrated grunts and the repeated mumbling of the mantra, "Damn it! I know it's in here somewhere. I don't remember taking it out." This is thought to be the effect of being a fat fuck and having the space-time continuum hate you for creating too much gravity
[edit] What it's used for
- Hanging
- Fascinating cats (see also:kitten huffing)
- Tying Shoelaces (or even larger more complex knots like Stephen Hawking does)
- Time Travel
- Very long and expensive books
- Confusing the blood of the innocent
- Something Something... pope
- Yaught Crisenings
- Eating
- By European nudists who defeated Kublai Kahn at the great siege of the forest moon of Endor.
- Killing someone
- Some stores accept pieces of string as payment
- Defeating vast empires
- Mastering The Force
- Cutting things in half, such as cheese and potatoes.
- Homemade Grenade Launcher
[edit] Not to be Confused With
- Silly String Theory, a special form of string theory (much like special relativity)
- Quantum Murphydynamics, a competing (and far superior) theory that unites quantum mechanics and general relativity in an elegant explanatory framework without being completely ridiculous
- Puppet String Theory, the theory that there is someone with a hand up your ass.
- Ring Theory, the theory purported by popular scientist Elrond Hubbard.
- Bling Theory, first hypothesised by Mr T and Snoop Dogg as an excuse for their Gold fetish.
[edit] Origins of string theory
String theory was created by scientists looking for additional funding after budget cuts by Congress.One scientist proposed that they make a completely true theory that could be made into documentaries that would involve a bunch of psychadellic effects and factoids from quantum physics that have been taken out of context. They theorized that they could make billions off of stoners who wanted to get their mind blown. They named it string theory after the oscillations of guitar strings when a stoner plays, which said stoner thinks is awesome but anyone else who isn't high knows it sucks balls.
[edit] See also
- Elementary particle
- Theory
- Sting Theory
- Calabi-yau space
- G-String Theory
- L-space
- Quantum Murphydynamics
 | The 12 Fundamental Cheeses | ||||
| Holy*
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| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | |||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | |||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | |||||
