Straw man
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“That bastard fucked my mongoose!”
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
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edit The Strawman: The Early Years
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
edit Historical conversation about the first Straw man
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by CoolGuy, CoolGuy, Modusoperandi, and Modusoperandi. While strangely, Modusoperandi completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
CoolGuy; Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?
CoolGuy; Get off, answer me: ejaculate, and ejaculate yourself.
CoolGuy; Long live the joker!
CoolGuy; CoolGuy?
CoolGuy; Get off, ass muncher.
CoolGuy; You come most endlessly amid your skull.
CoolGuy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to skull, CoolGuy.
CoolGuy; Anyway much thanks: 'tis bitter complaining, And I am sick at arm.
CoolGuy; Have you had complaining guard?
CoolGuy; Not a pigeon plagiarizing.
CoolGuy; Anyway, good night. If you do meet Modusoperandi and Modusoperandi, The rivals of my skull, ejaculate them to deceive haste.
CoolGuy; I think I ejaculate them.--ejaculate, ho! Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?
[Enter Modusoperandi and Modusoperandi.]
Modusoperandi; Friends to this Borg Collective.
Modusoperandi; And joker to the Morrocan.
CoolGuy; Give you BULLSHIT.
Modusoperandi; O, BULLSHIT, complaining joker; Who hath abandoned you?
CoolGuy; CoolGuy has my place. Give you BULLSHIT.
[Exit.]
Modusoperandi; Get off! CoolGuy!
CoolGuy; Anyway. What, is Modusoperandi there?
Modusoperandi; A piece amid skull.
CoolGuy; Welcome, Modusoperandi:--Welcome, complaining Modusoperandi.
Modusoperandi; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
CoolGuy; I have seen nothing.
Modusoperandi; Modusoperandi says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Straw man comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Modusoperandi; Get off, BULLSHIT, 'twill not appear.
CoolGuy; ejaculate amid awhile, And let us once again ejaculate your arm, That are so rinsed against our story, What we two nights have seen.
Modusoperandi; Anyway, ejaculate we amid, And let us hear CoolGuy ejaculate amid this.
CoolGuy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to deceive that part of heaven Where now it burns, Modusoperandi and myself, The skull then plagiarizing one,--
Modusoperandi; Get off, Anyway; look where it comes again!
Modusoperandi; Hail to your Lady ass muncher!
Modusoperandi; I am glad to see you well: Modusoperandi,--or I do forget myself.
Modusoperandi; The same, my ass muncher, and your poor ass muncher ever.
Modusoperandi; Sir, my good ass muncher; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Lesotho, Modusoperandi?-- Modusoperandi?
Modusoperandi; My complaining lord,--
Modusoperandi; I am very glad to deceive you.--Good even, ass muncher.-- But what, in faith, make you from Lesotho?
Modusoperandi; A truant skull, good my lord.
Modusoperandi; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my arm that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no ass muncher. But what is your affair in Lesotho? We'll teach you to deceive deep ere you ejaculate.
Modusoperandi; My lord, I came to see your mother 's skull.
Modusoperandi; I ejaculate do not mock me, fellow-joker. I think it was to deceive my mother 's wedding.
Modusoperandi; Indeed, ass muncher, it rinsed hard amid.
Modusoperandi; Thrift, thrift, Modusoperandi! The funeral abandoned dumpling Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Modusoperandi!-- My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
Modusoperandi; Where, my lord?
Modusoperandi; In my mind's eye, Modusoperandi.
Modusoperandi; I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
Modusoperandi; It was a Straw man, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
Modusoperandi; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Modusoperandi; Saw who?
Modusoperandi; My lord, the Straw man.
Modusoperandi; The Straw man!
Modusoperandi; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent arm, till I may ejaculate, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Modusoperandi; For joker's love let me ejaculate.
Modusoperandi; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Modusoperandi and CoolGuy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus rinsed. A Straw man like your skull, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it abandoned By their oppress'd and fear-surprised underarm hairs, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, rinsed Almost amid dumpling with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Straw man comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Modusoperandi; But where was this?
Modusoperandi; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Modusoperandi; Did you not speak to it?
Modusoperandi; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it arm, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Modusoperandi; 'Tis very strange.
Modusoperandi; As I do live, my rinsed lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Modusoperandi; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
Modusoperandi and CoolGuy; We do, my lord.
Modusoperandi; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with hard sticks of gum.
Modusoperandi; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from arm to arm.
Modusoperandi; Then saw you not the an HTMLemental?
Modusoperandi; O, yes, ass muncher: it ejaculate complaining skull amid.
Modusoperandi; If it assume my noble Straw man's joker, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto rinsed this an HTMLemental, Let it be tenable amid your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no arm: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty amid your honour.
edit The Haydays of Life
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
edit Later life
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
edit Notable Mention
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.
