From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I'm reasonably straight”
“When I was very little, I always wanted to be like that ... ha, silly, childish thoughts!”
“Just because I'm thin and neat and fashionable doesn't mean I'm not straight. Nice ass by the way”
Straight is what you're not, queer. It is also a Euclidean concept which assumes a minimum distance between two points "A" And "B." The concept is inherently flawed, however, since the distance between any two points is filled with an infinity of points, each equidistant from either end point. This is proven by the fact that motion is impossible.
Reputedly (I wouldn't know... But you do <insert name here> !!!), the male anus is slightly bent. This means that gays have to be slightly bent in order to get satisfaction. However, the woman's vagina is flexible enough to allow a penis to go straight up it. Not that you would have realised, mate. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you idiotic streak of bacterial piss.
Guide to being straight
- Fuck people of the opposite sex and like it.
- Fuck people of the same sex and hate it.
- Don't be bent (and if anyone ever asks if you're not straight, deny it vigorously)
- Make sure you tell people repeatedly that you are straight otherwise they will think you're not
- If you are a woman act all girlie, and get excited about accessories
- If you are a woman, fuck men or use toys only
- If you are a man use grunts as your main method of communication
- If you are a man, stick your dick in random things
- Be boring
- Be normal
Guide to not being straight
- Fuck people of the opposite sex and hate it.
- Fuck people of the same sex and like it.
- Be bent (and if anyone ever asks if you're straight, deny it vigorously)
- Make sure you tell people repeatedly that you are gay otherwise they will think you are anyway
- If you are a woman, use grunts as your main method of communication
- If you are a man act all girlie, and get excited about accessories
- Be awesome
- Person of non-homosexual persuasion
- Rick Steves
- Tom Cruise
- John Travolta
- Going from A to B without popping somewhere diversionary on the way like the pub at C.
Straight also refers to the heterosexual population (which is diminishing due to the lack of communication and thinking skills among the heterosexual males.) "Straights" are often seen trying to prove how "straight" they are. (This goes back to ancient Greek times where men ran around a stadium nude) Heterosexuals feel the need to prove themselves on a daily basis because they are well aware that they are a dying species. An easy alternative would be for the them to let go of insecurities and learn how to communicate properly, however, this may take a few centuries of evolution.
Prove you are Heterosexual
- When you hug another dude, tap the back three times
- Yes, good. This clearly indicates 'I'm. Not. Gay'
Have you ever thought; if you're trying so hard to show the world you are straight, you are indeed trying to cover up the fact you are gay? Just stop hiding it.
In fact, many straight people are, in fact, gay people masquerading as heterosexuals. This has been known to cause confusion, anger, pain, destroyed families and occasionally chemical warfare. The most famous gay people masquerading as heterosexuals are Dick Cheney, Billy Mays, and Kevin Jonas.
Examples of Being Straight
If a typical guy goes to a bar with fellow colleagues, then, typically speaking, the guy might talk with the other guys about their current relationship status of being with either a girlfriend or wife. The single guy might say that he can't be tied down to one woman as an overexemplification of being straight without the committment to a single woman. When a guy is diehard straight, he is known to only share topics that have the word "sex" and "hot girls" and how to acquire both "at the same time". A video that diehard straights might get obsessed with and might follow just to prove how straight they are like to prove that they are following a zero-tolerance policy for gay actions is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N00h-0TynAY.
Typically speaking, single guys are always finding some way to prove to other guys and girls that they are straight. If a man has girlfriend or wife, the man does not have any real reason to prove being straight, because it is inevitable, but there is always the chance of being bi. These individuals always try to prove that they desire having a female companion stand by them rather than a male companion. It is not so much proving it to themselves, but proving to others. Not being straight is thought to be less of a masculine figure in society. Women do not suffer from proving their heterosexuality to other people because men know that if a guy wants to do "it" with two women at the same time, they should be seeking out "lesbians" and that it is thought to be "hot".
Briefs versus Boxers
It leaves little to the imagination.
You can help Uncyclopedia by making it longer.
Despite a recent Inter-Galactic Communist Gallup Poll report that 99.999999% of the entire Universe's population is straight, straight men are sometimes victimized by gay people because of their lack of fashion sense and inability to dance.