Strabane

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Strabane
Strabane copy
Abercorn Square
GEOGRAPHY
county Tyrone
country Norn Iron
“Never again!, ”
~ Ross Kemp on Strabane gangland
“I'm a Belfastard GET ME OUTTA HERE! ”
~ Some Belfastard on Strabane's club scene

Strabane is a medium sized town in Country Tyrone, Northern Ireland. The town is renowned the world over for its tap water and it's textile industry during the Great Blight Famine, a dark time when potato crops were unaffected by blight. The former hamlet is also famous for producing such influential people like John Dunlap, famous for printing the US Declaration of Independence on some spare wallpaper he found in his attic. Strabane is also the ancestral home of Woodrow Wilson, who enjoyed shooting the local Catholics until sectarianism just didn't satisfy him anymore. He moved to America to pursue his love of racism. In a recent town census it was revealed that 78.3% of Strabane were gay.

edit Foundation

Strabane was founded in fifty-threeve BC by the then still alive Rufus Shinra, before Diamond WEAPON oblivionised him in a low-budget cutscene. It is believed by some that this version of history is inaccurate; these 'alternative thinkers' are sent for 're-education' at the popular Auschwitz facility in North Eastern East Germany. They like it so much they always decide to stay. Forever. The exact reasons for the town's foundation are a mystery.

Rufus's's time was not an easy one however, having to contend with Artemis Fowl and the LEP. Artemis accused Rufus of 'hittin' on his mothafuckin' biatch' at a Dublin art gallery, fairies got involved at the request of Eoin Colfer so he could keep his job and write a book about it; he wrote five chapters before he realised he had wasted his life. A lengthy battle ensued with an estimated bazillion casulties, Rufus gained 3000EXP and 150AP from the bout; he was pleased.

A long-standing rivalry with Sinn Fein leader Finn McCool turned into a full-scale war when Shinra employee Reno called Finn and his Fenians a 'bunch of faggots', it is commonly held that Reno was inebriated on mako at the time. With support from the Turks (Shinra's secret service, reasons for their unit's name cannot be explained in modern English) and an immensely huge cannon the war was over before 9PM, so they went to KFC. Later, Tsengs' head went septic due to an undercooked Boneless Box.

The town was originally going to be called 'Shinravania' or 'Rufusville', but both names offended the local black community, which at the time consisted of Barret Wallace a.k.a Mr. T a.k.a Stereotypical Black Guy. In an interview with ITV he said that he 'pities da fool'. District Council member Cid Highwind made a famous speech at the town centre blasting Mr. Shrinra and his '^%&*!$%@' town name. Said speech is believed to be directly responsible for the fall of communism in Russia.

edit Real IRA Mako Bombing

On August 15th, 1998, the local police service were given an anonymous tip-off about Real IRA involvement in the destruction of a Mako Reactor in Omagh. The tipster informed the police that a splinter group of the IRA opposed to the Not-So-Good Friday Agreement stationed in Strabane were responsible for the deaths of 29 bystanders and a moogle.

An investigation took place, several key figures in the RIRA such as Liam Campbell, Seamus Daly, Colm Murphy, Graham Norton, that guy from Kharma 45 and Barret Wallace were taken into custody. Graham Norton and that guy from Kharma 45 were aquited on the grounds that weren't actually in the country at the time. Barret Wallace was also aquited when he touched the hearts of the jury by saying that he pitied them, also it's not very wise to mess with a man with a machine gun for an arm. The other, actual members of the Real IRA were arrested and forced to pickup the soap each morning in prison.

Relatives of the victims pursued legal action for compensation, the campaign was led by Mog the Moogle, whose brother was killed in the explosion. The relatives had little success as town founder and chairman Rufus Shinra was busy being oblivionised by Diamond WEAPON at the time, thus unable to approve their appeal.

Strabane prefer to keep the whole incident secret, they do this by distracting the towns people with free newspapers, shame no one can read in the town.

edit The Great Worm Cometh

Around the time of the local Fair Day Festival (locally known as the 'Huur Show') a creature known by the name of The Great Worm came to Strabane, looking for some 'craic', as he put it. Things were going well until some foolish Jaffa kree'd his pint over The Great Worm's fabulous new scarf and they had to go outside for a good old-fashioned giant worm god versus genetically-altered-human-with-an-icky-snake-thing-in-his-stomach fistfight. No matter how many times the Jaffa, called Simon, fired his zat'n'kitel-smikatel-dikatel, The Great Worm just laughed and made 'you-god-so-false' jokes.

After several pointless hours of chess they both took a nap (or in Simon's case, some kel-no-reem) as they thought they were playing Monopoly. Later things were kree'd left and right as the Great Worm kree'd his massive kree about, kreeing everyone and severely kreeing an antique carriage clock. Kree. Things were brought to end when Steven Spielberg activated the Ark of the Covenant, killing everyone and destroying Strabane in a blaze of Nazis and melted jelly.

At 11:48PM I remembered none of this actually happened.

edit The Time That Thing Happened

Once upon a time this thing happened, commonly known as 'The Time That Thing Happened'. Everyone remembers that thing happening, they even made a film starring Liam Neeson and Willim DeFoe out of it. It was titled 'The Time That Thing Happened' and had a soundtrack composed entirely by Rush featuring Will Ferrell (spawned a hit-single, 'The Time That Thing Happened'). Critics and Islamic Extremists alike have described it as 'A glorious shining beacon of excellence. Simply fabulous' and 'A testimony to the greatness of Allah'.

The events of the time that thing happened are exactly as follows: that thing happened at the time that it happened to happen. An amazing thing that thing was too, it was a very entertaining happening to happen and happened quite well. There was some debate about exactly what happened in the time that that thing happened, specifically about exactly what kind of thing that that thing was and the time the thing that happened actually happened. Such speculation has led experts on things that happened in the time that thing happened to believe that that thing that happened happened the time it happened to happen, and that's that.

edit Local 'Culture'

Every year the people of Strabane hold a 'Hiring Fair.' At this 'Hiring Fair' the people of Strabane sell their children to farmers, priests and kiddie fiddlers and the good people of the Nik Nak testing facility. With their profits the adults would typically spend their money on spray paint to try scare Romanus into going back home whilst he is out fishing.


Parade
One of the floats from this years Hiring Fair

This year, the Hiring Fair was adopted into a Gay Pride parade. The parade was well accepted as the whole town is now either gay, lesbian or transgendered. Last month, the town council discussed plans for a parade for the heterosexual minority of Strabane but this has received a lot of criticism from the townspeople.

Strabane has been known for it's strangely confrontational occupants, make eye contact at your own peril, fuck some of them mightn't even need that much provocation! What should also be noted is that there are no houses in Strabane, only flats, the people in Strabane are so low-rent they can't even muster up the money for a bottle of water nevermind building a house. One of the most persistent traits of Strabane is the Head of the town, if you wish to leave Strabane with your knees intact, you will stay from that area. What is a town without a drunk who begs you for cash and assures you that it's not for booze? Well Strabane doesn't have one drunk, it has more than enough for you to shake a shotgun at! When visting Norn Iron, it is recommended you stay well away from Strabane, the rest of the country will laugh at you. Strabane is predominantly Catholic, which would explain why the majority of the town are kiddie fiddlers.

edit Uncle Hugo

Everybody's favourite DJ, Hugo Duncan is Strabane's most famous uncle (also known as 'The wee Man from Strabane') . Ripping everything from The Birdie Song to Wet Wet Wet (but only on dry days) Uncle Hugo really knows how to get the party started on the ever popular teenage radio station Radio Ulster which can be heard blasting out the beats everywhere you go in Strabane, but only between 1.30pm-3pm, monday-friday when it's Uncle Hugo's turn to spin them decks.

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