Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device is the backup never-ending source of energy that powers the Uncyclopedia when the Cat-Toast Device is not working. This rarely happens, however; the only reason why the energy-giving cat apparatus shuts down is when someone does not realize the importance of this cat, and huffs it in need of a fix. Scientists are constantly striving to figure out how to prevent this, but in the mean time, the Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts device serves as back-up.
The device is also used when Uncyclopedia comes under attack from the undescribable demons of the internet. This add power to the site's numerous flamers, Anti-T.R.O.L.L guns, and the Lolocaust Cannon. The contents may be released in an emergency, but herding them back in is too fucking hard.
edit How it Works
The device is composed of 3 basic components and some other stuff:
- Stormtroopers - Those white-armored guys in Star Wars who cannot aim.
- Red Shirts - Those red-shirted guys in Star Trek who have no name and always die, especially when away on missions.
- A really big Cage - This serves to hold the captives and thus reduces chances of them not fighting each other/escaping/escaping.
All you have to do is put the Stormtroopers and Red Shirts in the cage. They soon begin to fight at point-blank range, and on the basis that neither army without a meaningful input by an external force can win over the other, the fighting continues to this day. One Red Shirt, Lieutenant Leslie, claims to have been wounded, although some scientists dispute the validity of this claim.
The loop works as this:
- The Storm Troopers see the red shirts and fire, but due to their inherent sight disorder, they can't hit the far side of a barn.
- The Red Shirts, upon being fired, immediately soak up the hot plasma death and thus die.
- Because the Stormtroopers are unable to actually kill something, this creates a form of paranormal quantum loop, in which the red shirts must, yet can't. Ohh, the paradox.
- This creates energy which is harnessed by the site. Anything that isn't useful is stolen by a crack team of Germans who, through an unseen process, use it to power Mechahitler, preparing the Iron Fuhrer for his next reign.
- A secondary source of energy is derived from absorbing the power of the blasts that hit the cage. However, some argue that this is turn means that the Stormtroopers should miss the cage as well. As a secondary, secondary source of energy, if the cage is in fact a box then it is impossible for the Stormtroopers to miss, yet they must. This creates a further paradox, which Oscar Wilde naturally harnessed.
Some Scientists have insisted that this device is not possible: Stormtroopers can hit their target if the plot requires it (see Return of the Jedi), and the plot of every Star Trek episode requires Red Shirts to die. Therefore, the machine would stop working in mere seconds. However, this has not stopped any progress, so nobody cares, and there isn't a plot in real life, so the Stormtroopers continue with their paradox producing task.
Several Scientifical "men" have attempted to disprove the Stormtrooper Vs. Red Shirt theory. While it is entirely unpossible to disprove, as it does indeed power the Unincyclopedia grid in the case of the main power failing.
One theory is that Stormtroopers can hit their targets when the plot requires such. The issue with this is in its real life application there is no plot. Some other scientists decided this was paradoxical, as a plot can be described as a plan, and the plan is indeed to derive power. This was once again disproved, as the plot (actually being the plan of harnessing the conflict's energy) was not for the stormtroopers to hit anything, restoring everything we think we know (but don't know if we really know what we think we know after thinking what we thought we knew was incorrect).
Another theory is that, with the cage becoming a box, the box (cage) cannot be missed. But the stormtroopers (being unable to hit anything), must miss it, and therefore another paradox occurs allowing additional energy. The attempt to disprove this had to do with the fact that, because the box does not need to be hit (unlike the Red Shirts, which simply MUST be hit) and is not what the stormtroopers are (attempting to be) aiming at, the box can be hit with the stray shots that do not (though should) hit the Red Shirts (As a paradox from which energy is harnessed is created in the fact that targets that must be hit are not being hit, physics still applys as it were with the blaster bolt continuing on).
Another theory is that the box does not need to be hit, and though they are firing at it, the stormtroopers do not need to hit the wall of the box (which is supposed to be a cage). The simple theory was that the box does not need to be hit, and the stormtroopers cannot hit it. No paradox is created, with physics and the time-space continuum jointly operating to simply deflect the bolt simply before hitting the box itself (though this theory allowed for more bolts to jump around the room wildly, which should hit the red shirts but, being fired by the stormtroopers, is unable to, causes a stronger paradox from which more energy is drawn).
The final theory was simply that there was no reason for the stormtroopers to fire at the redshirts, equivalent to the engine failing to start. One thought of remedy was that the engines would be very expensive, requiring a full theme overhaul, fooling the Stormtroopers into thinking the red shirts were intruders. This was debunked when the engine worked without the expensive decor. The final remedy was, between poorly designed and manufactured helmet visors and the stormtrooper's horrible vision (creating the paradox in conjunction with horrible from-the-hip firing techniques) the red shirts made the doomed souls wearing them look a lot like "rebel scum", particularly rebel pilots.
There has been much argument over whether or not the shirt or doomed soul wearing the shirt fuels the paradox. If indeed it is the person, not the shirt, then the last theory would be true. If it was the shirt and not the person, then the theory would be false and therefore operate as it is. This is untestable, as the shirt simply (for unknown reasons) cannot be removed from the person wearing it. This suggests a paradox, in which the shirt causes, through some means of attraction, the soul to be doomed, but wearing the shirt itself dooms one to wearing the shirt, therefore the shirt cannot be removed and the person wearing the shirt causes themselves to be doomed, but only because of the shirt, disproving the previously mentioned theory.
Eventually we stopped trying to disprove the paradox, because to do so would immediately cause our perpetual motion device to vanish in a puff of logic.
Also, someone thought that the redshirts might run out, but after staring into the cage for an hour he realized they were unlimited and went home. Also, stormtroopers never have to reload and neither side has to eat, sleep, etc. so this can go on forever.
edit Historical Instances
In 1945, a Japanese scientist, called Einstein, figured out the method for creating a super-duper-fandabidozi Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device. He used the equation E=MC2 to figure it out. In this equation;
- E=deus ex machina
- M=massive audience
- C=length of time left of crossover film/Christmas special/cash in
Thus, it is more likely for the Stormtroopers to actually get their rare hit if the show people are watching is popular (so no-one is allowed near a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device for very long) and if the film producers really couldn't be arsed. Then, one day, Einstein wanted something to help him boil his kettle. So, he persuaded the most famous directors of his time, Orson Wells, Walt Disney and Leni Riefenstahl to add Godzilla into the mix. This made the Stormtroopers more accurate than he expected, as Godzilla is HUGE, so it caused a bit of an accident.
In 1961 A.D.(After Daleks), Oscar Wilde, in trying to invent sensible jeans that don't go out of style, accidentally beamed an army of Red Shirts into a steel cage with an army of Stormtroopers. "My Bad," he said, but then realised the potential of the device after the resultant energies reduced his lab to atoms.
edit Other Power Sources for Uncyclopedia
All rumors about the Uncyclopedia being powered by a Cat-Toast Device or a Wind farm are totally baseless. This, of course, makes them absolutely true. There are new theories emerging which claim that Uncyclopedia might be powered by Whale Blowhole Power Plants, although the chances of this are low, seeing as whales need water, and water costs money, which Uncyclopedia drinks and uses for teeth brushing, and whales only have teeth on the upper jaw, or lower jaw, we can't decide which. While it is true that most people use water for their drinking and teeth brushing, scientists doubt the people of Uncyclopedia are "normal", and therefore probably reserve the right not to accept the existence of this so called, "water".
Some pages are known to be powered by nonsensium. Fortuitously, they tend to get deleted, because the presence of refined nonsensium causes any humorous material on the page in question to mutate into simple random insanity, usually including at least three references to Chuck Norris kicking something.
There is a small rumor about another power source to run Uncyclopedia. A large Black hole that presides somewhere on the not very bright, but not completely dark side of the thing that some people call the Moon. But of course this completely silly, because everyone knows that it is run by hamsters.
edit External Links
A tribute to Oscar Wilde's genius can be found on the gamespy grudge here: http://tinyurl.com/yvle5c